A Somewhat Less Menacing Mark Zuckerberg

Posted on 20 Jul 2016 by Frank Moraes

This movie [Batman vs Superman] is not good, but I liked it more than I expected. Wonder Woman is in the film for some reason, and Jesse Eisenberg decides to play Lex Luthor as a somewhat less menacing, less dangerous version of Mark Zuckerberg.

I’m going to credit that last as an actual decision and not an accident, and it’s… interesting. Maybe the point is that Luthor has never conceived of a scheme to dominate the lives of everyday people so grandiose, and so completely successful, as Facebook? Would Batman or Superman have destroyed the algorithm on Zuckerberg’s dorm room window?

—Robert Farley
Movies on a Plane

Image cropped from Mark Zuckerberg Facebook SXSWi 2008 Keynote by Jason McELweenie, licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Everything about Debra Jackson and Dollar Palace

Posted on 17 Jul 2016 by Frank Moraes

I got the image above from an email list I’m on that occasionally sends out funny stuff. And it is amusing: the idea that Walmart is a place that one would need to dress up for. Here is the text for those who can’t see the image:

Debra Jackson says she likes shopping at the Dollar Palace because it is convenient and casual.

“I don’t have to get all dressed up like I’m going to Wal-Mart or something,” she said…

This image is very similar to the College of Planning sign image. It’s been around for years, and every few months a new group of people find it and it goes viral. Again.

As far as I can tell, it dates back to an article from 2005 in The Daily Town Talk. It is now called, The Town Talk. It was founded in 1883 and covers central Louisiana.

Dollar Palace Was a Real Place

The article appears to be about Dollar Palace, which had opened in November 2004. (It appears to be out of business now — but it was in business as late as 2007.) These kinds of articles are standard for local papers. There’s a new business in town so a reporter goes out, talks to the owner and the customers, and files a story.

Is Debra Jackson for Real?

Over at the Snopes forum, Ovalescent noted something very interesting:

I’m guessing it’s just from a quasi-rural area where Wal-Mart is the main grocery/department store. If you’re way more likely to run into family or co-workers, it’s a dressier affair. I personally don’t doll myself up, but I always make sure I’m at least brushed out and cleaned up before I go there lest I inevitably run into someone I know.

That makes a lot of sense. When Walmart moves into a rural area, it becomes something of an attraction. Debra Jackson isn’t some idiot redneck who thinks Walmart is such a great thing. But she is recognizing that it is the economic center of her area.

Is It a Hoax?

A lot of people have just assumed that it is a hoax. But there are a number of things that push against that. The first is that it is an image. One would have had to have gone to a lot of trouble to create the base image. Then, there’s the highlighting and pen outline. That’s a lot of work to go to just to make fun of yokels in a pretty gentle way.

Even if it weren’t an image, most hoaxes of these kinds have no details. At the time, various people were talking about it coming from an established paper. (I’ve found a couple of links to the original article, but it is down and nothing on that site is saved on Archive.org.) It wasn’t the standard, “A large newspaper in the northwest reported about a woman…” There are specifics that can be checked. It passes the smell test.

On the other hand, it would be different if Debra Jackson had said, “I love Dollar Palace! It’s the only store where they keep the darkies in line.” (Dollar Palace was owned by Kenneth Williams, an African American.) In that case, I would start looking for signs of Photoshop in the image above. But as it stands, it seems very likely that it is the real deal, and that Debra Jackson had a good reason for saying what sounds like something very silly.

Image of newspaper column seems to have first been published on JoyReactor back 2005. Text apparently from The Town Talk. Licensed under Fair Use.

God the Deal Maker

Posted on 06 Jul 2016 by Frank Moraes

Corey Robin The Talmud tells a story: the reason God covenanted with the Jews was that they were the only ones who were willing to take the deal.

According to a commentary on Deuteronomy, “When God revealed Himself to give the Torah to Israel, He revealed Himself not only to Israel but to all the nations.” First God goes to the children of Esau, asking them if they will accept the Torah. They ask him what it contains, God says, “Though shalt not murder,” they say, no thanks.

God goes to the Ammonites and Moabites. Same response, only for them the prohibition against adultery is the deal-breaker. He goes to the Ishmaelites, to all the peoples of the earth. Each time, they turn him down. They can’t accept some portion of the Torah’s instructions and injunctions.

Then God comes to the Jews. They don’t ask questions. They simply “accepted the Torah, with all of its explanations and details.” So God “surrendered them [the Torah and all of its details] to Israel.”

You almost get a sense, reading the midrash, of God’s weariness. The Jews aren’t his first choice, but they’ll take the deal. God’s exhausted, history is made.

—Corey Robin
From the Talmud to Judith Butler

I’m not quite sure where I got this image of Corey Robin. I do know it comes from a much larger image. I’m licensing it under Fair Use.

Clara Shortridge Foltz’s Smack Down

Posted on 03 Jul 2016 by Frank Moraes

Clara Shortridge Foltz Counsel tells you that I am a woman. I wonder that the planets did not stand still in their course and rivers cease to run to the sea at the announcement of this startling discovery. I am amazed that His Honor did not faint upon the bench and that you gentlemen of the jury have survived this awful shock to your nervous systems.

Let me kindly admonish the learned counsel that in a matter of great pith and moment like this he should break the news gently and not plunge such an original thought upon an unprepared jury. A few more such thoughtless revelations and your nervous forces will be destroyed and your reason dethroned. Counsel should beware how he heedlessly enlightens an unprepared jury on such a vital topic.

Again he tells you that I am a woman. By a natural antithesis I presume he would have you infer that he is not. I suppose he wants me to tell you that he is a man and he takes this hurried opportunity and adroit method of testifying to the fact. Though nobody has yet denied it, he seems to be in a fever of anxiety to emphasize that he is a man. I don’t know why he should make such unseemly haste in announcing it…

I am that formidable and terrifying object known as a woman — while he is only a poor, helpless, defenseless man, and he wants you to take pity on him and give him a verdict in this case. I sympathize with counsel in his unhappy condition. True, the world is open to him. He is the peer of all men — he can aspire to the highest offices, he can carry a torch over our streets during a political campaign and sell his vote for a dollar and half on election day, and yet he isn’t satisfied. Like Alexander, who wanted more worlds to conquer, he wants verdicts, and in order to awaken your sympathy for him, he tells you that I am a woman and he is only a man.

—Clara Shortridge Foltz, 1890
(Quote is in response to attorney Thetas Stonehill noting that she was a woman.)
On The Art of The Smack-Down

Image of Clara Shortridge Foltz is in the public domain.

Fun at Phoenix Comic Con 2016

Posted on 04 Jun 2016 by Elizabeth

I am at the Phoenix Comic Con this weekend and thought I would share some of the interesting things that occur at one of these events. The first official one started in 1964 although you could say that since they were based on the old science fiction conventions of the 1930s, it was in the 30s. However nowadays they are comprised of everything to do with what is considered genre fiction, comics, sci-fi, fantasy, animated movies, TV shows, or cartoons. Basically: geekdom. We use the term “comic con” as a simple way of describing it.

The big one is, of course, San Diego’s Comic Con that has 130,000 people crammed into San Diego’s convention center. Even though there is over six hundred thousand square feet, it is an immensely packed convention. Phoenix Comic Con is much the same way because it has been growing by leaps and bounds — going from 432 attendees to almost 80,000 in 14 years. Luckily Phoenix knows how to do AC so even though we have so many people attending during a heat wave, it isn’t that hot. I have been to conventions that don’t know what they are doing with AC and it is really important since a lot of people dress up in costumes that have got to be suffocating in the heat.

Typically the conventions happen this way: a section for gaming, a section for panels, a section for famous people. And, of course, everywhere is for cosplay:

Gaming

Gaming is both electronic and table top. Back in the day, there was Dungeons & Dragons (and the myriad similar games), the standard Monopoly, The Game of Life, and a few others. But now you have an almost infinite array of different games to pick from. I have about a dozen and they are all fun but very time consuming. At Phoenix Comic Con they have one floor of the Hyatt hotel turned completely over to table top gaming so people can learn about new games, play with friends, and just relax.

Electronic gaming is set up where you can do mass playing, contests, and other things that gamers do with those things. Generally it is not as big a deal at Phoenix Comic Con. But that’s not to say they don’t take it seriously. Very seriously:

Panels

This is where people get to discuss the things they enjoy. This is where Frank would shine since he could do a panel on Don Quixote and spend an hour telling everyone in extreme detail about the themes as the apply to some random sci-fi movie. [R2-D2 as Don Quixote and C-3PO as Sancho? Yeah, I could do that. -FM] Or talk about sixties sci-fi movies he may have seen since he doesn’t watch anything after 1980. [With good reason! -FM]

But mostly you have panels on everything from a mock trial of the Winter Soldier to music of Lord of the Rings to premiers of new shows and movies.

Cosplay

The big thing that comic cons are known for is the cosplay. People like to dress up as fictional characters and while everyone is familiar with the storm troopers, as you see above, there is a lot more variety these days.

From Bob of Bob’s Burgers to a bulky Transformer to a Viet Cong swamp zombie, there’s something for everyone:

There are a lot more, of course, but you get the idea. But if you really want insanity, you’ll have to go to a gun show.

Pheonix Comic Con logo licensed under Fair use, via Wikipedia. Other photos by Elizabeth Rogers, licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Anniversary Post: Daffy Duck Is Born!

Posted on 17 Apr 2016 by Frank Moraes

I’ve gotten rather tired of doing anniversary posts. So tomorrow, I’m going to start doing at least some fake anniversary posts: things that didn’t happen, so far as I know. That doesn’t mean I’m going to do them every day. But it will make it easier when I get a bad day. Not that tomorrow is a bad day! I haven’t looked. Anyway, I’m rerunning last year’s anniversary post, because it deals with a really important event. At least to me. Daffy Duck!

On this day in 1937, the first appearance of Daffy Duck was made in the Looney Tunes short, “Porky’s Duck Hunt.” In those early shorts, Daffy is a much more likable character. He’s kind of like Bugs Bunny, but absolutely insane. He’s also a lot more like a real duck. I find him quite charming. And this sets up a long collaboration with Porky Pig. Although in subsequent shorts they are more friends or, as was more true later on, Daffy was often trying to con the trusting Porky. My favorite is “Fool Coverage” where Daffy sells Porky accident insurance that will pay a million dollars, “Provided the accident occurs as the result of a stampede of wild elephants in your own living room, on the Fourth of July — of any year — between the hours of 3:55 and 4:00 pm, during a hailstorm.” Which of course is exactly what happens.

Daffy Duck V 1.0

Anyway, here is the short that started it all:

Daffy Duck V 2.0

There is a middle period where Daffy is still kind of duck like, and still mostly insane. “Yankee Doodle Daffy” is a good example of it:

Daffy Duck V 3.0

Later, the portrayal of Daffy Duck turned very meta — with Daffy constantly jealous of Bugs Bunny. These are still quite good, but I don’t really like the two characters being pitted against each other. It doesn’t show either of them in the best light. My favorite later Daffy Duck cartoon is “Duck Amuck” where he is all alone. Or is he?

Happy birthday Daffy Duck!

New Patriotic Sports Salute To “All Our Heroes”

Posted on 01 Apr 2016 by James Fillmore

Target Field Salutes Other Heroes With every professional sporting event becoming a tribute to the heroes that keep the American Empire running, the Minnesota Twins have announced that they will be hosting “Salute Our Additional Heroes Nights” this season.

Previously, the team and many others in American sports have honored military veterans with in-game ceremonies, camo-themed caps, and napalm sticks for the kids.

Twins GM Terry Ryan said, “We want to acknowledge how keeping America safe from constant threat to corporate profits isn’t merely the work of men and women and men in uniform. It’s time for millions of unrecognized heroes to get their due.”

Accordingly, the promotional theme will involve tributes to several different aspects of protecting Our Homeland.

A special feature will be “Building, Then Destroying, Then Building, Then Destroying Tomorrow.” It will involve Twins players wearing uniforms fitted with military-contractor logos.

As a shout-out our men and women and men in intelligence agencies, the “Kiss Cam” will eschew live video for recorded intel of couples copulating when they thought the camera eye on phone, tablet, or laptop was turned off. As General Keith Alexander described the hilarious concept, “Your devices are never really turned off, and your love for a great partner can always be turned on!” When questioned about the legality of the practice, he responded, “Freedom!”

A special feature will be “Building, Then Destroying, Then Building, Then Destroying Tomorrow.” It will involve Twins players wearing uniforms fitted with military-contractor logos. Lockheed-Martin, Raytheon, Boeing, and six other prominent patriotic corporations will each have one Twin guiding a remote-controlled drone aircraft hovering around fans in the stands to contribute whatever they can afford. The contributions and mini-drones will converge on the pitcher’s mound, be doused with lighter fluid, and burned, during a rousing sing-along to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless The USA.”

Finally, there will be a tribute to popular military-themed video games, where enthusiastic gamers can roam Target Field’s outfield wearing virtual-reality headsets and experience, for the first time, the thrill of being shot in the face by actual guns. Twins president Dave St Peter would not confirm or deny a rumor that a dozen members of Gamergate will attend via video to cheer on the spectacle, safe from any women who might hurt their feelings.

Fans who paid money to watch skilled entertainers perform feats of incredible precision are predicted to sit through this promotion and mutter, “That’s just how we are now.”

The Twins plan to “Salute Our Additional Heroes” on every day not already allotted to customary military tributes such as Memorial Day, 4th Of July, Veterans Day, April Fools, Labor Day, Arbor Day, National Dentists-Want-You-To-Floss Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and days of the week ending in the letter “y.”

Answering criticisms about how professional sports teams were inadequately celebrating America and Goodness and Stuff, Ryan said “We’re working on it. We can always do more to honor those who protect us from dirty, filthy, inhuman… you know who I mean.”

A Primer on Free Trade In Ten Rhyming Verses

Posted on 10 Mar 2016 by Frank Moraes

Fairy Tale Castle: the Free Trade Dream The economists came saying,
“Free trade it is good!”
The world will be rich
If only we would.
And oh did we would
And again and again
‘Til just as they said
We had caught a tailwind.

The economy grew
Look at GDP!
It was right in the numbers
For all seekers to see.
But for all of the gain —
The impressive growth rate,
The people just saw
Their wages stagnate.

The people were angry
They thought they’d be rich
The economist’s notions
Must have had a glitch
But it didn’t seem likely
That this could quite be
Do tent cities trump
Higher GDP?!

The problem was where
Economists live
A fairy tale place
Where no one gets the shiv.
So there was more money
In theory at least
Offsetting mass famine
Were much bigger feasts.

It seems when the money
Began rolling in
The rich didn’t share
Greed was not a sin.
In fact it was only
How we could be free
And if you don’t buy it
Look at GDP!

But when some poor souls
Looked at all the growth
It didn’t live up to
Economists’ boasts.
They stepped back and thought,
At the numbers they stared:
The growth it is higher
When wealth’s better shared!

Workers making coats
Competed worldwide
But doctors and lawyers
They got a free ride.
So as worker wages
Sat stuck in the dirt
The cost of a check-up
Continued to spurt.

Who makes the trade deals
Is it workers like you?
Or lawyers and bankers
And all that rich crew?
It’s free trade for you
But never for them
They may all be evil
But aren’t quite that dim.

Still maybe they aren’t
Quite as smart as they think
They’d likely be richer
If their moral’s didn’t stink
But they wouldn’t be richer
In a relative way
They wouldn’t be able
To point and to bray.

So think of this next time
Economists say,
“We’ll all become rich
One bright shining day!”
It might be in theory
But never for real
The rich spend their time
Finding new things to steal.

Update

I wrote this before I read Krugman’s post, A Protectionist Moment? It’s actually the strongest he’s ever come out against TPP. He actually says that free trade is now mostly a scam. Sadly, the single worst thing I can say about Hillary Clinton is that I feel certain that she will reverse herself on the TPP and decide that acceptable changes have been made and that she can support it. I hope not. But her careful statements about it don’t inspire confidence.

Fairy Tale Castle photo by Dobre Cezar (own work), licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 ro, via Wikipedia.

Trump’s Penis Is Important to His Supporters

Posted on 09 Mar 2016 by Frank Moraes

Not Donald Trump's Penis Will sent me a video, Donald Trump: Show Us Your Penis. People want to know if Trump’s penis is as big as he says it is. The video’s been out for a few days and still has less than a million views. How is that even possible? If a video with that title doesn’t go viral, what has become of the internet? I mean it. Even if the video was terrible, it should have at least ten million views. And the video is not terrible; the video is amazingly good. It gets the tone perfectly right.

Previously, Rubio had made mention of Donald Trump’s hands being small. This supposedly means that he has a small penis. I’d never heard that. I have certainly heard of the foot-penis correlation and assumed that it was an urban legend. And it is. I mean, why would there be a correlation? How about nose or ear size? You might as well be measuring the bumps on a man’s head. But anyway, Rubio made fun of Trump’s hands, because Rubio decided that the way to beat Trump was to sink to his level. And that has worked out as well as you might think, given that Rubio placed third or fourth in every primary yesterday.

Trump Couldn’t Let Go of Trump’s Penis

But Trump couldn’t let the whole thing go. At the last Republican debate, Trump said, “He referred to my hands: if they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you, there’s no problem. I guarantee you.” So: Trump’s penis is amazing, like everything else about him. But the whole thing shows that even when the other Republicans sink to Trump’s level, he can sink lower without it having any effect on his campaign. Trump won Michigan easily last night. And in Mississippi, he came close to getting a straight out majority. That was as close to a head-to-head contest as we’ve seen, and Trump got 47.3% — 11 percentage points more than Ted Cruz.

The brilliance of this video is that it is somber. It treats the size of Trump’s penis very seriously. Rubio introduced it to the race. Trump kept the issue alive and has now made a falsifiable claim. Or to be more accurate: he implied a falsifiable claim. Because apparently, 80% of women have difficulty reaching orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone. So maybe that’s all he means; maybe he gives good “face.” And I’m sure if you asked him, Trump would tell you that he gives great face. No one is better at giving face than he is. You wouldn’t believe it. And if you question him, his tongue just got ten inches longer.

But the people in the video want proof. They want to know how big Trump’s penis is — or at least if “there’s no problem”:

But I find the whole thing disturbing in that I suspect that Trump supporters do care about the size of his penis. Being supporters, they just take it for granted that a man that belligerent, with that much swagger, must have a big penis. It’s all about this idea of physical power. Last week, Bobby Jindal argued that it was Obama’s “cool, weak and endlessly nuanced” nature that brought us Trump. But we know that isn’t the case. The Republican base has been begging for Trump ever since Reagan left office.

The truth is, there isn’t much difference in most people’s minds between a “strong man” and a strongman. And when it comes to Trump supporters, its all the same. It’s the cult of personality just as sure as it was for Mussolini. Or Kim Jong-il. Remember when he played golf and got 5 (later 11) holes in one? I’m sure the true believers in North Korea assumed he had a very big penis too. The biggest. You wouldn’t believe it.

“Donald Trump” by Gage Skidmore. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

Donald Trump on: What Is 2 + 2?

Posted on 06 Mar 2016 by Frank Moraes

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

“I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, ‘What’s 2+2’? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We’ve had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can’t believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It’s terrible. It’s just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I’ll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It’s probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it’s probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I’m being honest, I mean, if I’m being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he’s a zero that I don’t like. Though, I probably shouldn’t say that. He’s a nice guy, but he’s like, ‘10101000101,’ on and on, like that. He’s like a computer! You know what I mean? He’s like a computer. I don’t know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don’t tell you that, and I’ll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn’t believe it. So, we’re gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.”

—George Takei
Quoted in George Takei’s New Post About Donald Trump Is Going Viral

“Donald Trump by Gage Skidmore” by Gage Skidmore. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

The CIA’s Website Has A Kids’ Zone

Posted on 26 Feb 2016 by James Fillmore

CIA Kids Zone I was wondering aloud the other day, “What does the CIA actually do?”

We know what the NSA does. It spies on everybody! If this serves any purpose, well, I can’t even fathom how they could begin to process all the data they collect. They have a ginormous satellite dish in Africa used for catching signals bounced off the moon.

(Does that sound silly? It certainly does. It sounded silly to me when I read about it in James Bamford’s Body of Secrets: Anatomy of the Ultra-Secret National Security Agency, first published in 2002. Would you like a heavily redacted NSA PDF about this satellite dish? You’re welcome.)

So we know what the NSA does. And we know what the FBI does, or used to do. The FBI was, for decades, America’s KGB. The internal security service, protecting us from one Jackie Robinson or Martin Luther King at a time. Thanks, J Edgar!

Now it seems the FBI is basically in charge of sting operations targeting Islamic terrorists. Except, they can’t apparently catch many terrorists. No worries; what you can’t discover, you can always make up. The FBI has a fantastic track record of entrapping poor miserable suckers into terror plots the FBI creates, goads the suckers into joining, then busts them and notches another Crime Solved on its belt. It’s a dirty job, but nobody has to do it.

(You could believe me on this. Or you could believe Arun Kundnani’s fine book, The Muslims Are Coming. Or Human Rights Watch and the Columbia University Law School. It’s up to you.)

What’s the CIA Up to These Days?

The last we heard from the CIA was a long while ago. CIA analysts (so not a Freudian term) were warning the Bush/Cheney administration “do not start the Iraq War; it’ll be a disaster for the human species” and being told in response, “go screw yourself, Frodo.”

It has a logo featuring something like the Soviet spy “Natasha” from Rocky & Bullwinkle. If you click on K-5, you get to meet “Aerial, the ace photography pigeon.” If you click on 6-12, you get this nugget of 100% not creepy-culty wisdom…

Clearly the CIA is still around. Although I’m not exactly sure why we spend money on an intelligence agency whose information we ignore when it’s inconvenient. The US could just give me a few billions dollars. I’m fully capable of saying “War dumb wrong stupid! No do wrong stupid war!” The government already ignores me, so there would be no learning curve. It’d be cheaper, and I’d get to fly around the world in jets. I like jets.

So. What’s the CIA doing these days?

I wondered, and then I realized — well, they probably have a website.

Indeed, they do have a website. Because, why not? Everyone loves websites. They’re so friendly.

It features a top story about the CIA’s diversity training, which makes me think of a Larry Wilmore bit. It has an appropriately evasive FAQ. Want to know how much money the CIA wastes on “go screw yourself, Frodo” every year? Alas, “neither the number of employees nor the size of the Agency’s budget can, at present, be publicly disclosed.” Gosh, that’s a shame. Yet you expected as much.

CIA Kids’ Zone

What you didn’t expect was the CIA Kids’ Zone.

Yes. This is on the CIA’s website. It exists. And it’s awesome.

It has a logo featuring something like the Soviet spy “Natasha” from Rocky & Bullwinkle. If you click on K-5, you get to meet “Aerial, the ace photography pigeon.” If you click on 6-12, you get this nugget of 100% not creepy-culty wisdom: “We figure you probably know a little something about the CIA or you wouldn’t be here. Right away, we like your curiosity and your ability to find information. In fact, our employees know how to access information.”

Do the Brits have a “Kids’ Zone” on their spook agency websites? Hell, no, they don’t! Because America rocks, folks.

One criticism of the CIA’s “Kids’ Zone.” Most of the games you can play are way too hard or way too easy. Cryptography is impossible (although if you think it’s not, feel free to try.) “Aerial Analysis” of drone photos, now that’s just easy. Duh, if there’s a ski lodge in the picture, the local economy is based on tourism. Anybody not planning to institute a neocon utopia by conquering a country they know nothing about could get this immediately.

The game I liked best was the “Photo Analysis Challenge.” Spot the differences between two pictures a guy snapped under his raincoat! Annoyingly, if you don’t get the differences right, you’re just forced to retake the test, and it doesn’t tell you where the ones you missed were. But I got all of them until the last test. That one was super-tricky.

I deeply loathe the American intelligence agencies. I wish they didn’t exist. I think we could spend far less money on them, catch the occasional crook, and avoid wars our experts told us we would be foolish to start.

Isn’t it quintessentially American, though, to have a military agency we spend gazillions on, which has a deep history of horrible actions, whose brightest minds we dismiss when powerful people want to dismiss these things. And it has a Kids’ Zone on their website?!

Sometimes it’s just impossible not to love this country.

The Final Push: Advertising Puns Don’t Please Me

Posted on 05 Jan 2016 by Frank Moraes

I appreciate a good pun. For example, here’s one of my favorites, “Speed kills! Don’t meth around!” Although even there I have to admit that when talking about something like methamphetamine, maybe a clever pun isn’t the most effective approach. But I think that’s especially true when it comes to advertising puns generally. Sometimes it works. FCUK is a pun because it works in that Ann Coulter way — it allows juveniles to titter while claiming that squares are the ones with a dirty mind. This goes along with its relatively hip image and I think it works well.[1]

But mostly when I see an advertising pun, it makes me sad. I have a high opinion of people who work in advertising. They are smart, often funny people. And I think it is beneath them. It reminds me of an episode of This American Life, Tough Room. There was a story about the weekly pitch session at The Onion. The show was in 2008 and a lot of the jokes were thrown out because they were “so 2007.” In other words, the staff at The Onion was always pushing forward. Even if something was clever, it didn’t work if it was stale. (And note: The Onion continues to be as good as it ever was — probably because of this commitment.)

On Sunday, I was walking through the local mall. I had just been at Whole Foods, which I hate to shop at, but I was looking for (and found) one of the few remaining six-packs of Lagunitas Brown Shugga’.[2] As I made my way out, I saw that one oddly placed shop, which has gone through many businesses, was now Motherhood Maternity. I thought it was good because it is a location that people kind of have to search out, and I suspect that pregnant women will do just that. But as I walked past, I saw this:

Really?! The final push? You know, I probably wouldn’t mind so much, but I have a feeling that whomever it was that came up with this was giggling at the time. I get it. It’s silly. It’s even a bit fun. And given that it is an end of the year sale, the sign won’t be up for long. But why is it necessary? Certainly, no reasonable person would think such an ad would be a good idea for a clearance sale for condoms. (Note: “Final Push” is the current banner at their website.)

Maybe it’s just that I’m a guy. I have long said that if men had to give birth, homo sapiens would have gone extinct long ago. And I truly believe that. Despite all the violence and braying of men, it’s women who are built of tougher stuff. But when I see a sign like “The Final Push,” I imagine great pain. If the rotting teeth and destroyed kidneys of meth addiction make puns about it a little questionable, so does the extreme sacrifice that women give to the preservation of our species.

But there is something more. Puns like “The Final Push” just seem lazy. I can think of my own, “You won’t need an epidural when you see our prices!” Or, “Squeeze every penny out of your maternity-wear budget!” Or, “You might have been screwed before, but you won’t be at Motherhood Maternity!” They’re all awful. Maybe advertising companies could take a clue from The Onion: these ads are so some time that isn’t now.

[1] According to the company, the acronym was not meant to be coarse. It was first used in fax transmissions between its UK and Hong Kong operations: FCUK to FCHK. But obviously, someone finally figured out that it might appeal to a certain clothing customer demographic.

[2] Exciting news! Arrogant Bastard is now available in 12-ounce six-packs. It’s expensive though: $17. I would have bought it but soon I won’t be able to get Brown Shugga’, so I passed. But next time. Yes, my lifestyle is getting expensive, but Arrogant Bastard is the best beer I’ve ever tasted. Don’t hate me because I have good taste.

Images of “Motherhood Maternity” and “The Final Push” taken by Frank Moraes and released under CC BY-SA 2.0.

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