Fake Anniversary: Invention of the Clarinet

ClarinetOn this day in 1623, the Comité pour l’Invention de la Clarinette was formed. There was widespread dissatisfaction with the flute. For example, the fingerings of the notes in different octaves were pretty much the same. This made learning the flute fairly easy. It was, in the words of one Comité member, “Too logical!” And so: the clarinet.

The problem was physics. The flute has holes on both ends and thus, it is based on the octave. But by closing one of the ends, it was possible to make the clarinet based on a 12th — an octave and a 5th. In this way, the upper registers were fingered in totally different ways. It was, in the words of one Comité member, “A perfect mess!”

But the Comité was not finished. They added various keys at random, just making the whole instrument a nightmare of complexity. But still, their work was not finished. They found that by placing buttons very close to each other — buttons that did very different things — they could normally get a 12 year old clarinet student to cry in under three minutes.

In the clarinet community, it is often joked that the instrument was invented by eight people who never met each other. But that’s not actually true. The Comité pour l’Invention de la Clarinette worked very hard to make the clarinet the bane of woodwind players everywhere. But it has been great for the clarinet instructors who have avoided suicide.

Anniversary Post: Kennedy Assassination

John F KennedyOn this day in 1963, President John F Kennedy was assassinated. This was followed exactly five years later by the release of The Beatles’ White Album. Coincidence? Hardly. Especially when you consider that Kennedy regularly used Paul McCartney as his double. Am I suggesting that it was really McCartney who was murdered in Dallas? No, I’m saying it was Lee Harvey Oswald who was murdered in Dallas. McCartney was murdered two days later. Need proof? The Abbey Road cover: McCartney is bare foot. Do I need to draw diagrams for you people?!

Kennedy’s secretary was named Johnson. McCartney’s secretary’s mother’s maiden name was Johnston. Her father was born on a farm just outside the Leeds suburb of Johnson. Johnson was the birthplace of Christopher Marlowe. As we know from history, Marlowe faked his own death and went on to write the plays normally attributed to Shakespeare. Not as well know, Marlowe was the father of Isaac.

Paul McCartneyThis may seem complicated, but follow along. Isaac the father of Jacob, Jacob the father of Judah and his brothers, Judah the father of Perez and Zerah, whose mother was Tamar, Perez the father of Hezron, blah blah blah his brothers at the time of the exile to Babylon. After the exile to Babylon: Jeconiah was the father of Shealtiel, Shealtiel the father of Zerubbabel, Zerubbabel the father of Abihud, Abihud the father of Eliakim, Eliakim the father of Azor, Azor the father of Zadok, Zadok the father of Akim, Akim the father of Elihud, Elihud the father of Eleazar, Eleazar the father of Matthan, Matthan the father of Jacob, and Jacob the father of Joseph, the husband of Mary, and Mary was the mother of Paul McCartney.

Are you starting to see it now?

Lee Harvey OswaldIn 1959, when Paul McCartney was working with The Beatles, it was really Kennedy. McCartney was in the Soviet Union, following Lee Harvey Oswald. When Oswald returned to the United States, McCartney took over for Kennedy as bass player for The Beatles so that Kennedy could run for president. But once Oliver Stone started making films in high school, the Secret Service decided that it would be safest to swap McCartney for Kennedy. Interestingly, this also resulted in the most productive period for the Lennon-McCartney (Lennon-Kennedy) collaboration. But this is where it gets confusing.

The Secret Service was blackmailed by the Five Families. So to protect Kennedy, who was writing “Love Me Do,” the Secret Service swapped Kennedy (McCartney) for Lee Harvey Oswald. Thus is was Kennedy (McCartney (Oswald))) who killed Oswald (McCartney) on that awful day in 1963. Thus, McCartney (Kennedy) did survive until he was killed by Jack Ruby, who was, of course, George Harrison. But that is a story for another day.

I hope this has cleared up the Kennedy (McCartney (Oswald)) assassination.