Conservatives throughout the country are converging on Shawnee, Oklahoma to see what many are calling final proof of the divinity of Ronald Reagan: his likeness appearing on a piece of toast. Joe le Plumberre, the second cousin by marriage of Senator Jim Inhofe, found the image on his toast on 27 March 2014. “I was about to butter it when I met a beneficent toasty gaze that I instantly recognized,” the retired Secret Service janitorial supervisor said. “At first I thought it was Jesus, but then I realized I had used white bread and not rye.”
Pastor Rick Unwarranted spent hours analyzing and discussing the miraculous toast with other conservative clerics. He said they were forced to confront some uncomfortable questions. “Is it possible,” the pastor asked, “That Jesus has come back and He was Ronald Reagan?” When confronted about the the issue, the clerics released a statement, “Toast does not lie.”
Many of the visitors of the Wonder Bread™ see it as a life changing event. Amy Simmer of the group Tea Party Excess says this is great moment. “We have long recognized the divinity of Ronald Reagan,” she noted. “How else do you explain his inspired term as president where he balanced the budget while never selling guns to terrorists? This toast is proof that cannot be refudiated. Now no one can misunderestimate Reagan’s legacy!”
But not all people are so convinced. Dr Buzz Kilgoy dismisses all the claims of supernatural forces. An expert culinary pyrographer, Dr Kilgoy once used a brulee torch to recreated the Last Supper on a baguette. “But I’m not saying it’s a fake,” he said. “It’s just a random toasting event.” He added that images of political leaders date back to at least Alexander the Great and the Wonder Pita™.
Currently, Mr le Plumberre is planning to sell the toast on E-Bay. “Jesus’ image on food products are a dime a dozen,” he said. “But this is actually cool.” The opening bid is set at $50,000 and it includes the double slice toaster (hopefully signed by Bill O’Reilly) and the companion piece of toast, which interestingly contains an image of Jane Wyman.
There was initial speculation that the Reagan toast might inspire a religious movement that worships the 40th president. But research indicates that the Republican Party already exists.