With every professional sporting event becoming a tribute to the heroes that keep the American Empire running, the Minnesota Twins have announced that they will be hosting “Salute Our Additional Heroes Nights” this season.
Twins GM Terry Ryan said, “We want to acknowledge how keeping America safe from constant threat to corporate profits isn’t merely the work of men and women and men in uniform. It’s time for millions of unrecognized heroes to get their due.”
Accordingly, the promotional theme will involve tributes to several different aspects of protecting Our Homeland.
As a shout-out our men and women and men in intelligence agencies, the “Kiss Cam” will eschew live video for recorded intel of couples copulating when they thought the camera eye on phone, tablet, or laptop was turned off. As General Keith Alexander described the hilarious concept, “Your devices are never really turned off, and your love for a great partner can always be turned on!” When questioned about the legality of the practice, he responded, “Freedom!”
A special feature will be “Building, Then Destroying, Then Building, Then Destroying Tomorrow.” It will involve Twins players wearing uniforms fitted with military-contractor logos. Lockheed-Martin, Raytheon, Boeing, and six other prominent patriotic corporations will each have one Twin guiding a remote-controlled drone aircraft hovering around fans in the stands to contribute whatever they can afford. The contributions and mini-drones will converge on the pitcher’s mound, be doused with lighter fluid, and burned, during a rousing sing-along to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless The USA.”
Finally, there will be a tribute to popular military-themed video games, where enthusiastic gamers can roam Target Field’s outfield wearing virtual-reality headsets and experience, for the first time, the thrill of being shot in the face by actual guns. Twins president Dave St Peter would not confirm or deny a rumor that a dozen members of Gamergate will attend via video to cheer on the spectacle, safe from any women who might hurt their feelings.
Fans who paid money to watch skilled entertainers perform feats of incredible precision are predicted to sit through this promotion and mutter, “That’s just how we are now.”
The Twins plan to “Salute Our Additional Heroes” on every day not already allotted to customary military tributes such as Memorial Day, 4th Of July, Veterans Day, April Fools, Labor Day, Arbor Day, National Dentists-Want-You-To-Floss Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and days of the week ending in the letter “y.”
Answering criticisms about how professional sports teams were inadequately celebrating America and Goodness and Stuff, Ryan said “We’re working on it. We can always do more to honor those who protect us from dirty, filthy, inhuman… you know who I mean.”