Zombie Reagan 2016

Zombie ReaganConservatives have been cheered by sightings of Ronald Reagan at small events in Iowa. The reanimated corpse of the 40th president has set up an exploratory committee to look into another presidential run. The reanimated corpses of Lee Atwater and William Casey have already signed onto the campaign in exchange for an undisclosed amount of living flesh. “Just like in the 1980 campaign,” Atwater said in an email.

The recent spate of reanimations was accomplished by Voodoo priest François Dutliquer in collaboration with his second cousin Pat Robertson. “I am not a terribly political person,” Dutliquer said. “But I do what I can to make cousin Pat happy these past 70 years — you know, since the brain injury.”

Critics question whether Reagan can run for president given that he has already served two terms. The reanimated corpse of Edwin Meese[1] explained that there are many ways around around this injunction. “For one thing,” the former Attorney General and flesh eating zombie said, “His dementia was so advanced in his second term that you can’t really say that he was president.” If all else fails, the festering meat sack and bright light of Republican judicial thought said, “Do you really think the Supreme Court wouldn’t just appoint him?”

There continue to be concerns that the zombie formerly known as Ronald Reagan will not be conservative enough for the modern Republican Party. “That could be a problem,” Atwater claimed. “But we feel that eating Rick Perry alive in a televised debate should quell any concerns.”

Zombie Reagan will be the featured speaker at the upcoming Story County GOP Pancake Breakfast.

See Also

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[1] Contrary to popular belief, Meese died back in 1987. His corpse was quickly reanimated because no other attorney of Meese’s villainy could be found.

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