New Patriotic Sports Salute To “All Our Heroes”

Target Field Salutes Other HeroesWith every professional sporting event becoming a tribute to the heroes that keep the American Empire running, the Minnesota Twins have announced that they will be hosting “Salute Our Additional Heroes Nights” this season.

Previously, the team and many others in American sports have honored military veterans with in-game ceremonies, camo-themed caps, and napalm sticks for the kids.

Twins GM Terry Ryan said, “We want to acknowledge how keeping America safe from constant threat to corporate profits isn’t merely the work of men and women and men in uniform. It’s time for millions of unrecognized heroes to get their due.”

Accordingly, the promotional theme will involve tributes to several different aspects of protecting Our Homeland.

A special feature will be “Building, Then Destroying, Then Building, Then Destroying Tomorrow.” It will involve Twins players wearing uniforms fitted with military-contractor logos.

As a shout-out our men and women and men in intelligence agencies, the “Kiss Cam” will eschew live video for recorded intel of couples copulating when they thought the camera eye on phone, tablet, or laptop was turned off. As General Keith Alexander described the hilarious concept, “Your devices are never really turned off, and your love for a great partner can always be turned on!” When questioned about the legality of the practice, he responded, “Freedom!”

A special feature will be “Building, Then Destroying, Then Building, Then Destroying Tomorrow.” It will involve Twins players wearing uniforms fitted with military-contractor logos. Lockheed-Martin, Raytheon, Boeing, and six other prominent patriotic corporations will each have one Twin guiding a remote-controlled drone aircraft hovering around fans in the stands to contribute whatever they can afford. The contributions and mini-drones will converge on the pitcher’s mound, be doused with lighter fluid, and burned, during a rousing sing-along to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless The USA.”

Finally, there will be a tribute to popular military-themed video games, where enthusiastic gamers can roam Target Field’s outfield wearing virtual-reality headsets and experience, for the first time, the thrill of being shot in the face by actual guns. Twins president Dave St Peter would not confirm or deny a rumor that a dozen members of Gamergate will attend via video to cheer on the spectacle, safe from any women who might hurt their feelings.

Fans who paid money to watch skilled entertainers perform feats of incredible precision are predicted to sit through this promotion and mutter, “That’s just how we are now.”

The Twins plan to “Salute Our Additional Heroes” on every day not already allotted to customary military tributes such as Memorial Day, 4th Of July, Veterans Day, April Fools, Labor Day, Arbor Day, National Dentists-Want-You-To-Floss Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and days of the week ending in the letter “y.”

Answering criticisms about how professional sports teams were inadequately celebrating America and Goodness and Stuff, Ryan said “We’re working on it. We can always do more to honor those who protect us from dirty, filthy, inhuman… you know who I mean.”

See Also

Ayman al-Zawahiri at TED
Miracle Reagan Toast Discovered
Zombie Reagan 2016

Morning Music: Use Your Voice by Mason Jennings

Use Your Voice - Mason JenningsToday, we reach Mason Jennings’ fourth album, Use Your Voice. It’s a nice album. But I don’t think it is as strong as the earlier albums. Thom Jurek at All Music appears to disagree with me. I haven’t read his review, but I saw he gave the album four and a half stars. If you know All Music at all, you know that four and a half stars is what they give to albums that they think are masterpieces, but which are not universally acknowledged as masterpieces. So The Beatles’ Rubber Soul gets five stars, but American Music Club’s United Kingdom only gets four and half stars. It’s strange, but I’ve noticed it again and again. It isn’t an accident.

Anyway, I can see giving Use Your Voice four and a half stars because it is a very pleasant album. But mostly I just want Mason Jennings to get over that woman who dumped him. There’s just far too much of that. However, one of those songs, “Fourteen Pictures,” is transcendent. These are great lyrics:

Fourteen pictures on the freezer door
Fourteen pictures and there’ll be no more
Little magnets hold up a family…

You don’t need the rest of the song with lyrics that evocative.

There’s also a flat out love song in “Empire Builder” that even makes me think that love may be a real thing. And then he does “Keepin It Real” just to remind me what a fraud love and love songs are, even if I do like the guitar solo.

In a sense, the high point of the album is “Ballad Of Paul And Sheila,” about Paul Wellstone and his wife Sheila’s death in a plane crash. It is a fitting tribute to a great statesman. You should really listen to it.

But the last three songs on the album are different and I wonder if this is the direction that he was headed in. They aren’t especially about anything. Or, most likely, they are so personal that I can’t understand them. But they speak to a man who is searching. And that’s when people create their greatest art. So off of Use Your Voice, I’ve decided to highlight “Drinking as Religion.”

Anniversary Post: Sinking of the RMS Atlantic

RMS Atlantic BurialOn this day in 1873, early in the morning, the RMS Atlantic sank just to the west of Halifax, Nova Scotia. Of the 957 crew and passengers, at least 545 people died — this included all of the women and children. Interestingly, the Atlantic was White Star Line, which also owned the RMS Titanic. But there’s a big difference here. The sinking of the Titanic was due to stupidity and hubris. The sinking of the Atlantic was the result of bad luck and the simple fact that travel by sea has always been a very dangerous business. Or at least that’s the way I see it.

RMS Atlantic was on its way to New York. But they were running low on coal, so the captain diverted the ship to Halifax to refuel. Visibility was poor and in hindsight, the captain should have stayed off the shore. But then, he did not know that the ship was several miles off course. In the end, he was blamed for the tragedy. But to me, his errors are the sorts of things that are to be expected. Everyone wants someone to blame when something like this happens.

I remember many years ago reading The Perfect Storm. I loved the beginning of it because it was filled with these old stories of Gloucester fishermen. These were tough men doing an incredibly hard job. And they died — a lot. And when they didn’t die, they were beaten halfway there. So I don’t like to go around second guessing and criticizing people who make their livings in this way.

When word got to shore about the RMS Atlantic and its troubles, the local people got into their boats and helped in the rescue. It’s very touching, but understandable. People who live that life understand what it is all about, and how we all have to help each other in times of need.