Vaginas in the News

Olivia WildeFrom Kardashian breeding and birthing to live colonoscopies on the news, our narcissistic society has become a too crass. TMI has become WTMI[1]. I have been told intimate stories that will be in my mind forever. I’ll be senile, lying in my hospital bed thinking, not of my children whose names I may not remember — oh no. Instead I will be tormented by the vivid description of a friend’s sexcapade that involved plastic sheeting on the floor and lots of baby oil. I did not ask for that burden — it was thrust upon me like a hillbilly onto a reality show.

Why do I mention this? Because I clicked this link: Olivia Wilde on that time when her vagina died. I had hoped that maybe it would be, at the very least, an interesting story about a scientific breakthrough in vagina transplants. But no.

Olivia Wilde is supremely happy with her boyfriend Jason Sudeikis – so much so, she’s sharing the good news at speaking engagements.

…As Sudeikis and other attendees listened in, Wilde discussed the dissolution of her first marriage: “I felt like my vagina died,” she said.

What kind of a man is able to efemmulate[2] a woman like that?

The good news is that Olivia and her soon to be ex-boyfriend are having “sex like Kenyan marathon runners.” Such a vivid, yet confusing metaphor. Sex while running? Taking notes while watching Kenyan marathon runners have sex? It doesn’t matter. It is her apparent need to say these things to anyone but her best friend that truly baffles me.

More of a very brief glimpse into the life of a woman without a social filter:

And so, Wilde advises, if you want to know you’re with the right person, you need to start thinking with your vagina.

“Men are not allowed to be the only ones thinking with their genitals,” she told Vulture.

I had no idea that men using their protrusions like some kind of witching wand was a behavior that required anyone’s permission, much less something they could be prevented from doing. If women can “shut all that down” to avoid a rape pregnancy, men should have a penile power switch. If they do it must be on their backs where they can’t reach it and women don’t know where exactly it’s located.

I must disagree with Olivia’s lust-besotted advice. While a woman’s uterus is a proven and effective search and locate device, it isn’t wise to listen to one’s vagina. She isn’t looking for a long-term commitment that would very likely end in body-abusing pregnancies and inevitable boredom, she just wants to get laid.


[1] WAY Too Much Information

[2] “Effemulate” is an orignal word of my creation. Should you want to use it, please contact me regarding usage fees.

I Should Have Chosen to Be a Unicorn

UnicornIt always surprises me – although I don’t know why – whenever I read another example of how judgmental, ignorant, intolerant, hypocritical, and self-righteous some people are. I am aware of those same character flaws in myself but I’m not nearly as horrible as those people. As a person of reasonable tolerance and some intelligence, I don’t spend my time speculating about other people’s sexual orientation or possible sexual preferences. Gay or straight, I do not want to know what goes on in anybody’s bedroom. As a matter of fact, I prefer to look at everyone as asexual because it’s just less gross. Anyone who spends any time wondering what other people do to pleasure themselves or another is a person I would avoid. That person is a pervert.

Aside from pedophiles, rapists, sadistic murderers, animal abusers, and Ann Coulter, I think people should just be left alone to live their sad, innocuous lives. Don’t hurt me or anyone I care about and I will not intentionally hurt you. Words to live by.

I understand that some unfortunates are born with the capacity for murder and mayhem, while some learn to be cruel through experience and suffering. No one chooses to be a psychotic killer. No one chooses to be a pedophile. No one chooses to be gay. WAIT! Do not think that I am in any way implying that homosexuality is bad or evil. I’m merely saying that we are who we are – good or bad and “good” or “bad” are subjective terms. I think pedophilia is horrifying; it doesn’t necessarily follow that a pedo is a bad person. Does that make sense? He (or she) has a terrible predilection, but it may be something that can be controlled; castration pops to mind, but therapy and medication might work too.

Regardless, we have very little control over who we are. We don’t choose to love our children. We (most of us) do choose not to drown them and just suffer through the pain of raising them. None of us have any control over who we are attracted to. Everyone has known someone who is with a total wanker. That’s why the truism “there’s no accounting for taste” exists. I was born with a natural aversion to root beer. I didn’t choose to find root beer one of the most disgusting flavors ever created by man. If I had indeed had a choice I would have chosen to enjoy root beer so I wouldn’t have to listen to the never-ending astonishment, “You don’t like root beer?!” No. Call me a freak, but I like beer without the root.

What started all this rambling about choice is LZ Granderson’s article, Oops, I left my sexual orientation at home. I think it’s worth reading.

Here’s an excerpt:

I decided to go with the French Roast over the Morning Blend. When I got in my Jeep, I decided to listen to Eric Church as opposed to Zac Brown Band or Craig Morgan. I opted not to run that red light. I chose to park on the street as opposed to the nearby lot.

And just before I got out of the car, I chose to be gay.

(I’ll bet he wishes he went with deaf instead.)

It’s been more than 20 years since the World Health Assembly removed homosexuality from its list of mental disorders. Which is why the news out of California this week should not be that Gov. Jerry Brown signed legislation that prohibits minors from being subjected to treatment from state-licensed therapists designed to change their sexual orientation.

The story is that this practice is still going on in 2012.

“This bill bans non-scientific ‘therapies’ that have driven young people to depression and suicide,” Brown said in a statement. “These practices have no basis in science or medicine and they will now be relegated to the dustbin of quackery.”

My only pedantic little point of contention is the phrase “non-scientific”; are there scientific methods out there?

I am just glad that I chose to be a straight, blue-eyed white female. (Good call!) I’m also glad that I chose to be born in California instead of bumblefuck Kentucky. And what’s with all those stupid bastards who chose to be born Asian and gay in South “Kill Me Now” Dakota?

Debates Not Important

Joe BidenJonathan Chait has written a scattered article that has one interesting thing to say: the differences in polling between the swing states and the nation as a whole are not mysterious. Chait claims that this is just because in the swing states, voters couldn’t get away from the campaign. As a result, they didn’t learn anything in the debates. I have a slightly different take.

Obama did not lose any support because of the debate. Instead, Romney solidified support he already had. There was a group of 3-4% who supported Romney but weren’t willing to go public with it. They liked what they saw at the debate so they joined the Romney bandwagon. The endless campaigning in the swing states already pushed such people into the Romney camp.

The good news about this is that there are similar Obama supporters. At this point, they will still claim to be undecided. And now they are just waiting for Obama to give a decent enough debate performance to allow them to go public: “Yeah. I guess I’m an Obama supporter.” Of course, the down side of this is that Obama could continue to suck and so they won’t even vote. But expectations of Obama are so low, I don’t see this happening.

This is why I’m not that excited about the VP debate tonight. If Biden does very well, it will help a little. But people will still be waiting for a good Obama performance. On the other hand, if Biden does poorly, it could really hurt.

Update (11 October 2012 3:44 pm)

I will be doing a sort of live blogging thing over at The Reaction tonight. In the meantime, Nate Cohn over at The New Republican has a thought provoking article on the current presidential polls. He suggests that part of Obama’s decline is not real. Instead, it indicates that Obama voters are so depressed that they are less likely to participate in poll surveys. He provides a very compelling argument. Only time will tell. Regardless, it gets back to what I was talking about above: it may take an Obama debate victory for the polls to turn around.