Vaginas in the News

Olivia WildeFrom Kardashian breeding and birthing to live colonoscopies on the news, our narcissistic society has become a too crass. TMI has become WTMI[1]. I have been told intimate stories that will be in my mind forever. I’ll be senile, lying in my hospital bed thinking, not of my children whose names I may not remember — oh no. Instead I will be tormented by the vivid description of a friend’s sexcapade that involved plastic sheeting on the floor and lots of baby oil. I did not ask for that burden — it was thrust upon me like a hillbilly onto a reality show.

Why do I mention this? Because I clicked this link: Olivia Wilde on that time when her vagina died. I had hoped that maybe it would be, at the very least, an interesting story about a scientific breakthrough in vagina transplants. But no.

Olivia Wilde is supremely happy with her boyfriend Jason Sudeikis – so much so, she’s sharing the good news at speaking engagements.

…As Sudeikis and other attendees listened in, Wilde discussed the dissolution of her first marriage: “I felt like my vagina died,” she said.

What kind of a man is able to efemmulate[2] a woman like that?

The good news is that Olivia and her soon to be ex-boyfriend are having “sex like Kenyan marathon runners.” Such a vivid, yet confusing metaphor. Sex while running? Taking notes while watching Kenyan marathon runners have sex? It doesn’t matter. It is her apparent need to say these things to anyone but her best friend that truly baffles me.

More of a very brief glimpse into the life of a woman without a social filter:

And so, Wilde advises, if you want to know you’re with the right person, you need to start thinking with your vagina.

“Men are not allowed to be the only ones thinking with their genitals,” she told Vulture.

I had no idea that men using their protrusions like some kind of witching wand was a behavior that required anyone’s permission, much less something they could be prevented from doing. If women can “shut all that down” to avoid a rape pregnancy, men should have a penile power switch. If they do it must be on their backs where they can’t reach it and women don’t know where exactly it’s located.

I must disagree with Olivia’s lust-besotted advice. While a woman’s uterus is a proven and effective search and locate device, it isn’t wise to listen to one’s vagina. She isn’t looking for a long-term commitment that would very likely end in body-abusing pregnancies and inevitable boredom, she just wants to get laid.


[1] WAY Too Much Information

[2] “Effemulate” is an orignal word of my creation. Should you want to use it, please contact me regarding usage fees.

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About Frank Moraes

Frank Moraes is a freelance writer and editor online and in print. He is educated as a scientist with a PhD in Atmospheric Physics. He has worked in climate science, remote sensing, throughout the computer industry, and as a college physics instructor. Find out more at About Frank Moraes.

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