Education, Wisdom, and Profound Sadness

David Foster WallaceDavid Foster Wallace is the kind of person I wanted to be when I was younger. He was not only a great writer and thinker, but he was also good at the kind of things that I’m good at — namely math. But now, I’m just very happy to have lived in a universe where David Foster Wallace wrote novels and essays. I’m a better person because of it. Had Wallace been happy, that would be one thing. But he suffered from great depression throughout much of his life and he eventually took his own life.

But a couple of years before that, he gave a commencement address Kenyon College. The resulting speech was an essay, “This Is Water.” The title refers to a common observation that fish don’t “see” water. The thing that they are literally swimming in is invisible to them. Similarly, humans existed for tens of thousands of years without ever recognizing that the sky had a color: blue. It is this fact that had long mistakenly been used to claim that Homer must have been blind because of his odd color descriptions.

The argument that Wallace is making is that we need to try to see the water. We don’t want to go through life effectively dead. And we mostly do. So much of life is habit. We operate on autopilot. And it is really for the best for us to question a lot of our easy assumptions. He goes into some depth, but not about politics or philosophy. Rather, he suggests moving past our self-centered world and trying to see things from other people’s perspectives. As an example, he describes being stuck in traffic and rather than cursing the people in front of him, imagining that in front of him is a father rushing his sick daughter to the hospital. It probably isn’t what is actually happening, but it does get us out of our default perspective that all that really matters is ourselves.

Where I think Wallace gets into troubling territory is when he suggests that a liberal arts education might be good for doing this kind of thing. I understand: he was talking to graduating college students. And things might be different at Kenyon College. I do think that a liberal arts education ought to be good for this. But the way higher education is now managed, it isn’t much more than a product. A liberal arts degree means that the student has taken an undergraduate writing class and an upper division literature class. She’s taken one or two history classes. Generally, she’s taken a little of this and a little of that and there is very little that brings it all together.

Even more than this, I fear that college is mostly just another system of control. More than anything, a college degree says, “This student is unlikely to upset the corporate order.” Indeed, that’s largely what we see among the upper-middle class liberal writers: people who know just how much they can push against the existing power structure. And their college educations are largely the reason that it doesn’t occur to them that pushing harder might be a good thing.

I do think that a broad and varied liberal education is really helpful in seeing what is meaningful in life. But it isn’t essential. And there are many for whom such an education means nothing other than maybe a better job. But if it does expand your perspective, I’m not sure that’s so great. I feel that I’m fairly good at seeing things from different perspectives and giving people lots of benefits from the constant doubts. And I certainly feel I’m a better person now than I was before. But I’m not happier as a result. In fact, the more I feel that I see society clearly, the more I am a prisoner of a profound sadness.

Virginia Woolf

Virginia WoolfOn this day in 1882, the great writer Virginia Woolf was born. Last year, I read her most famous novel, To the Lighthouse. I wrote at the time, “The language is quite beautiful — much of it as exact as poetry.” That’s about the highest praise that I can give to a writer. Of course, I also wrote, “It’s like beneath the words, Woolf is whispering to the reader, ‘Soon you will die and all you will have to show for it is the fun you had along the way. And you aren’t having much fun, are you?'”

It’s surprising that Woolf isn’t more of an icon of literature. There seem to have only been three writers of the 20th century who were especially brilliant when it came to the raw technique of writing: Woolf, Stein, and Joyce. I know a lot of people love Woolf and Stein, but it is only Joyce who is truly a star. The contrast of Woolf and Stein is a good one. They are so different, their marginalization cannot be a coincidence. It’s sexism.

Woolf, of course, struggled with depression her whole life. And her eventual suicide would be romantic if it weren’t so tragic, and if I didn’t have a pretty good idea of just how violent it probably eventually was. As Stevie Smith noted, having suicide as an option is a great blessing because we know that we can end whatever pain we are in. So it isn’t surprising that some people choose the option, and I am not going to second guess them. But it is always sad.

Happy birthday Virginia Woolf!

A Vague Sentence in Unhitched

Unhitched - Richard SeymourEarlier this month, I published a brief excerpt from Richard Seymour’s Unhitched. It was about how one of Christopher Hitchens’ primary complaints against religion was how it was used to oppress women. But Hitchens himself was a complete sexist who wasn’t keen on women’s rights. It didn’t seem controversial. Hitchens’ sexism and anti-choice beliefs were very well know. As usual, Hitchens was never shy about sharing his views on such objective topics as the lack of funny women. But a couple of days ago, I got an email from someone asking if I had a reference to what Seymour had referenced. And then soon after, I got the another email (emphasis in original):

I found it in a 1989 issue of The Nation and the argument is 100% the opposite of what Mr. Seymour asserts. Perhaps more research should be done before excerpting the works of someone who either has not read the originals, or has and has decided to fabricate an argument out of misused quotes.

Before getting to the meat of the issue here, this is clearly an extremely silly (yet angry) person. Assuming that an error was found, that hardly counters the point at hand. Basically, all Seymour is saying is that Hitchens was a sexist with anti-choice views. This is true. What’s the big deal here? So I dived into the quote and realized that the problem must stem from the following sentence:

He also had a record of opposing certain reproductive rights for women, suggesting that society should “claim a right and an interest” in the fate of the unborn child and therefore might limit abortion access to any woman who “is the victim of rape or incest, or if her mental or physical health is threatened” as part of a “historic compromise” offering in return a health service with free contraception and an adoption service.

My email person clearly misunderstood this sentence. It is an entirely reasonable mistake. I have found Seymour to be a rather unclear writer at times. So I pointed out that the problem was Seymour’s use of the word “any” when he should have used “only.” With “any,” it is possible to read the sentence as meaning that Hitchens was against a rape/life-of-the-mother exception (which is untrue) or that those were the only exceptions that he was in favor of (which is true). With “only,” the sentence is clear and correct.

I pointed this out to my email person, who responded, “Garbage.” I wasn’t expecting anything better. Hitchens, more than anyone in the New Atheist movement other than maybe Sam Harris, has extremely protective fans. It’s actually funny. One sees the same thing with Ayn Rand fans. So these people who don’t believe in God tend to deify these secular heroes. Hitchens can’t be a deeply flawed but brilliant writer. He has to be perfect and thus people like Richard Seymour must be destroyed — regardless of what assumptions they must make about an awkward sentence.

Still, the point of this article is to highlight the interesting ambiguity of the sentence, not the silliness of a true believing subgenius. And I do think it is fascinating that a single synonym change can make all the difference in the world in the meaning of a sentence. It is also terrifying. What it means is that we could all use a great editor. And as in the case with my email person, understanding is largely dependent upon the goodwill of the reader.

Walter Raleigh

Walter RaleighOn this day in 1552 (or 1554), Walter Raleigh was born. You will note that I added no superlative as I usually do. Nor did I say why he is notable. This is because I don’t really know. I assume that he was a very charming guy. He was of reasonably high birth and he got in good with Queen Elizabeth. That’s really pretty much all there is. But the queen was difficult and locked him in the Tower of London for the “crime” of not getting permission to marry one of her ladies-in-waiting who he had knocked up. But after a couple of months, the queen calmed down and all was forgiven. But after Elizabeth died, he was not in favor with King James. He soon ended up in the Tower of London again — this time for over a decade. Then he went off on another expedition to America where he got into a little trouble by attacking a Spanish outpost there. As a result, Spain requested and got Raleigh put to death. “Off with his head!”

It is probably best to think of Raleigh as an explorer, but I think of him mostly as a poet. He did write quite a lot (not at all limited to poetry) — especially during that decade when he was stuck in the Tower of London. But I’m most interested in one poem. Before getting to it, however, we have to discuss a poem by Christopher Marlowe, “The Passionate Shepherd to His Love.” This poem wasn’t published until 1599, but it couldn’t have been written any later than 1593, when Marlowe died. Given that Marlowe produced pretty much all of his work from 1590 to 1593, we can assume it is from this period. It is a beautiful poem that shows Marlowe’s amazing technical strength as a poet, as well as a softer side than we see in his plays:

Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That hills and valleys, dale and field,
And all the craggy mountains yield.

There will we sit upon the rocks,
And see the shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow rivers to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.

There I will make thee beds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies,
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle
Embroider’d all with leaves of myrtle;

A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull;
Fair linèd slippers for the cold,
With buckles of the purest gold;

A belt of straw and ivy buds,
With coral clasps and amber studs;
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me, and be my love.

Thy silver dishes for thy meat
As precious as the gods do eat,
Shall on an ivory table be
Prepared each day for thee and me.

The shepherd swains shall dance and sing
For thy delight each May-morning:
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me and be my love.

The one thing about the poem is that it is the work of a young man. It is naive about the complexities of relationships. Walter Raleigh must have felt this way, because in 1596, he wrote, “The Nymph’s Reply to the Shepherd.” He was in his middle 40s, having already spent a couple of months in the Tower of London as a result of “love.” So the nymph’s reply is a good deal more cynical and honest:

If all the world and love were young,
And truth in every shepherd’s tongue,
These pretty pleasures might me move
To live with thee and be thy love.

Time drives the flocks from field to fold
When rivers rage and rocks grow cold,
And Philomel becometh dumb;
The rest complains of cares to come.

The flowers do fade, and wanton fields
To wayward winter reckoning yields;
A honey tongue, a heart of gall,
Is fancy’s spring, but sorrow’s fall,

Thy gowns, thy shoes, thy beds of roses,
Thy cap, thy kirtle, and thy posies
Soon break, soon wither, soon forgotten—
In folly ripe, in reason rotten.

Thy belt of straw and ivy buds,
Thy coral clasps and amber studs,
All these in me no means can move
To come to thee and be thy love.

But could youth last and love still breed,
Had joys no date nor age no need,
Then these delights my mind may move
To live with thee and be thy love.

Although it shows greater emotional maturity, it is not as good a poem as Marlowe’s. But that is to be expected. Marlowe was doubtless the greatest English language poet of that time. The fact that Raleigh is in the same ballpark speaks rather well of him.

Happy birthday Walter Raleigh!

Edgar Allan Poe

Edgar Allan PoeOn this day in 1809, the great writer Edgar Allan Poe was born. I hate to be repetitious. I featured Poe last year. And I could have written about Paul Cezanne — an artist that I’ve come to admire much more as I’ve gotten older. But… it’s… Poe! Other than John Steinbeck, there really is no other writer who I so admire in his totality. (Maybe also Graham Greene.) I don’t know, maybe it is pathetic. I doubt it. And maybe it is just that Poe was the right man for his time. But he combined brilliance with technical perfection in a way that I don’t see in any other writer.

It’s hard to know what to make of Poe’s life. Artists have a tendency to mythologize themselves. But two things do stand out. One is his marriage to his first cousin — he was 27 and she was 13. It isn’t clear if they ever consummated the marriage, but they lived together as a seemingly devoted couple for 11 years until she died of tuberculosis. And then there is the bizarre question of Poe’s death. There are a zillion theories. I figure it is very simple: he was on a bender, passed out in the street, became very ill and died. His wearing someone else’s clothes doesn’t seem too hard to integrate into that story.

But I think that Ben Livingston and Hannah Shakespeare did the world a great favor by provide Poe the perfect death in their screenplay for The Raven. If you don’t know what I mean, check out my review of the film, The Raven Doesn’t Suck. Anyway, to celebrate Poe’s birthday, let’s do two things. First, let’s watch Vincent Price perform “The Tell-Tale Heart.” It’s a great story and Price does it really well. As I recall, he gets a couple of words wrong, but it is amazingly accurate:

And to decompress from that, let’s listen to Sarah Jarosz’s charming “Annabelle [sic] Lee”:

Happy birthday Edgar Allan Poe!

Origins of Don Quixote

Walter StarkieOut of a spirit of fin de siecle melancholy sprang Don Quixote, the first modern novel in the world created out of a life of disillusion, privation, and poverty by a maimed ex-soldier, survivor of a glorious Spanish victory, whose noble nature and gentle sense of humorous tolerance taught him that life is an unending dialog between a knight of the spirit who is forever striving to soar aloft, and a squire who clings to his master and strives with might and main to keep his feet firmly planted on the ground.

—Walter Starkie
Introduction to his translation of Don Quixote

Mississippi Wants Bible not Faulkner

William FaulknerAfter Louisiana tried to make the Bible the official state book, it isn’t surprising that now Mississippi is trying to do the same. I wrote about this at the time, King James Bible as Cultural Signifier. In it, I argued that the choice of the Bible for the official state book was not, ultimately, a religious act. It was rather a symbolic gesture — about what all right thinking people believe and not at all about the divinity of Christ and so on. The Mississippi bill is only different in that a couple of Democrats are doing it.

Obviously, I’m not for any such act. It is exclusionary — intended to make non-Christians feel like outsiders. And the constitutional questions it raises seem pretty clear. But I’m just not that interested in the story on that level. It is really just another story about how politicians pander to their base. And who really cares about that? It’s like, “Old man yells at cloud.” As with Louisiana, this bill will likely go nowhere. And if it does, the state will be punished with a bunch of legal fees as it is challenged and defeated in court.

Old Man Yells at CloudWhat’s more interesting is the purpose of state symbols. The Mississippi state tree is the magnolia, not the sequoia, which is the California state tree. State symbols are supposed to be specific to the state. Admittedly, California does a much better job of this than Mississippi. But Mississippi still manages to pick symbols that, while usually not especially specific to the state, are specific enough. Their state insect is the honeybee and not the Lord Howe Island stick insect. So what’s up with the book?

It seems to me that the Mississippi state book should speak of the state as much as the state insect. And Mississippi just happens to have been the birth place of one of the greatest English language writers ever: William Faulkner. How about The Sound and the Fury? Okay, I know: Faulkner didn’t exactly paint the most wonderful picture of Mississippi. But that was just the way Faulkner viewed the world. Anyway, Mississippi is the only state that keeps the Confederate battle flag inside its current state flag. So if the leaders of the state care about their reputation, they might start with the flag. Regardless, the state should celebrate having created arguably the greatest American writer. (That’s not my opinion, but a good case can be made for it.)

But instead, we get a book that could not be less American. We get a book from the iron age about people who lived a long way away from Mississippi. It is true that the Bible is literature. I find some of it (in translation) quite beautiful. But generally, people do not read the Bible the way they read a novel. The people of Mississippi are not considering making the Iliad the state book. They can clearly see that such a move would make no sense given it doesn’t speak to what Mississippi is. The only way that the Bible makes sense as the state book is because a lot of Christians live in the state. But that’s true of every state in the union.

As an atheist, I have no problem with the Bible. But as a reader, I do. The co-sponsor of the bill, Tom Miles, said that he isn’t trying to “force religion — or even reading — on anyone.” Then what is the point of having a state book? In this case, it would just be a symbol of who some of us are and who some of us aren’t. And there are more than enough symbols of that throughout the United States — especially in Mississippi.

Susan Sontag

Susan SontagOn this day in 1933, the great writer Susan Sontag was born. She is pretty much the prototype for the conservative complaint that liberals are the “blame America first” crowd. What I’ve always found interesting is that people who make this complaint must be pretty insecure about exactly how much blame America deserves. They show that they are concerned that there is at least a little — and likely a whole lot of — truth in the claims of people like Sontag.

I’m of a more moderate inclination. I think America — and the west more generally — has acted the way empires throughout time have acted. We have been a force for good and a force for evil. Thus far, it is hard to say that one is especially worse than the other. But with the effects of global warming, the “evil” side of the equation is getting far more weight. And it isn’t just what we are doing to the global environment. It greatly bothers me that here in the United States, roughly half the population has decided to just ignore what is going on and turn to the people who have an enormous vested interest in doing nothing. That is a clear sign of an empire that is dying. But our dying empire could have far greater effects than just the loss of our own power.

In 1967, Partisan Review published a special issue where they asked 16 intellectuals, “What’s Happening to America?” Sontag wrote by far the longest and more powerful of the answers to this question. But it is the following paragraph that seems to have got everyone upset:

Neither do I dare deride the turn toward the East (or more generally, to the wisdom of the nonwhite world) on the part of a tiny group of young people — however uninformed and jejune the adherence usually is. (But then nothing could be more ignorant than [Leslie] Fiedler’s insinuation that Oriental modes of thought are “feminine” and “passive,” which is the reason the demasculinized kids are drawn to them.) Why shouldn’t they look for wisdom elsewhere? If America is the culmination of Western white civilization, as everyone from the Left to the Right declares, then there must be something terribly wrong with Western white civilization. This is a painful truth; few of us want to go that far. It’s easier, much easier, to accuse the kids, to reproach them for being “non-participants in the past” and “drop-outs from history.” But it isn’t real history Fiedler is referring to with such solicitude. It’s just our history, which he claims is identical with “the tradition of the human,” the tradition of “reason” itself. Of course, it’s hard to assess life on this planet from a genuinely world-historical perspective; the effort induces vertigo and seems like an invitation to suicide. But from a world-historical perspective, that local history that some young people are repudiating (with their fondness for dirty words, their peyote, their macrobiotic rice, their Dadaist art, etc) looks a good deal less pleasing and less self-evidently worthy of perpetuation. The truth is that Mozart, Pascal, Boolean algebra, Shakespeare, parliamentary government, baroque churches, Newton, the emancipation of women, Kant, Marx, Balanchine ballets, et al, don’t redeem what this particular civilization has wrought upon the world. The white race is the cancer of human history; it is the white race and it alone — its ideologies and inventions — which eradicates autonomous civilizations wherever it spreads, which has upset the ecological balance of the planet, which now threatens the very existence of life itself. What the Mongol hordes threaten is far less frightening than the damage that western “Faustian” man, with his idealism, his magnificent art, his sense of intellectual adventure, his world-devouring energies for conquest, has already done, and further threatens to do.

Like most of what Sontag wrote, I don’t fully agree with her. But it is so important to have people like her pushing at the myths of a society. And that’s especially true in modern America where we have such a sense of smug beneficence.

Happy birthday Susan Sontag!

Horatio Alger

Horatio AlgerAs noted, I’m out and birthday posts are the hardest thing to do under these circumstances. So I’m presenting an edited and expanded version of part of last year’s birthday post. It is not, as you will see, a guy I like very much.

On this day in 1832, Horatio Alger was born. He was a very popular writer in the 19th century. He wrote what is charitably called “crap.” Typical kind of story: poor boy goes to rich man’s house in search of employment; rich man has a dog that immediately takes to the poor boy; rich man hires poor boy because of the dog likes him. It is up, up, and away for the poor boy after that! He will probably end up marrying the rich man’s daughter who is beautiful, intelligent, and sweet. It’s exactly the kind of stories that the people wanted to believe during the Gilded Age and exactly the kind of stories the rich wanted the poor to be reading. Today, “Horatio Alger” is a synonym for any kind of unbelievable rags to riches story. In general, we don’t see such stories in their pure form because we are a much more cynical people. (For good reason!) There have been times when there were jobs for the asking. There were times when what most of the Republican Party now believes was true: if you aren’t working, you aren’t trying hard enough. Sorry folks, that’s now no more true than the statement, “Horatio Alger was a great writer!”

There is also the minor issue that Alger was a pedophile. While a young man, he was a pastor for the First Unitarian Church in Massachusetts. He was forced to resign and left town. His crime was “unnatural familiarity with boys.” Apparently, in those days (or in liberal churches), people actually did something about that kind of thing. But he didn’t seem to have any of that trouble in the future. He probably found an acceptable outlet for his homosexuality, but we don’t know that much about it.

Happy birthday Horatio Alger!

Frances Brooke

Frances BrookeOn this day in 1724, the great writer Frances Brooke was born. She was a successful English novelist, although she wrote a few plays as well. Her husband was a military chaplain, stationed for a time in Canada. As a result of this, Brooke ended up writing the first novel written in that country, The History of Emily Montague. And it is this novel that I want to discuss.

The History of Emily Montague was an epistolary novel. I haven’t read it. To be honest, I’m not that fond of the genre. But according to Wikipedia, the novel was used as an example of the the hyperbolic use of the word “literally” in the original Oxford English Dictionary. The sentence was, “He is a fortunate man to be introduced to such a party of fine women at his arrival; it is literally to feed among the lilies.” And this gives me an excuse to attack grammar snobs.

Many people go crazy when others use the word “literally” to mean “figuratively.” So after hearing the sentence above, the grammar snob will say, “It isn’t literally like feeding among the lilies — it’s figuratively!” But grammar is descriptive, not definitional. The time to have the fight about this was at least 250 years ago. Clearly, Brooke knew what she was doing. When she used “literally” as “figuratively” in the novel — two times — she italicized the words after it. She seems to have meant to be commenting on how the language was used by certain people of that time. It was clearly quite common even then.

So grammar snobs, get over yourselves! If Frances Brooke could make gentle fun of this grammatical silliness 250 years ago, you can at least do the same today. You aren’t impressing anyone with your knowledge. You’re just saying, “When I was in fifth grade, my teacher told me this!” And you don’t want to look that pathetic.

Happy birthday Frances Brooke!

Public Intellectual Umberto Eco

Umberto EcoThe great writer and philosopher Umberto Eco is 83 years old today. Last year, when I marked his birthday, I talked about his novel, The Name of the Rose. And I said then what I will say now: it is one of the best novels I’ve ever read. It is rare that I think a novel is too short. I never wanted it to stop. If you have not read it, I highly recommend it. And if you’ve seen the film of the same name, don’t let that stop you. It is fun enough, I suppose. And it is probably as good a rendering of the book as could be had on the screen. But the book is something else completely.

But it is probably best to think of Eco as a public intellectual — the sort of person that the United States has largely turned against. I highly recommend his essays. A year and a half ago, I quoted from his essay “Censorship and Silence” in his book, Inventing the Enemy. It is more true than ever: the way that we censor today is not by forbidding the truth but by drowning it out with nonsense. Fox News is the king of this, but more important, it is true of the media establishment writ large. Here is Umberto Eco on the issue:

Noise becomes a cover. I would say that the ideology of the censorship through noise can be expressed, with apologies to Wittgenstein, by saying, “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must talk a great deal.” The flagship TG1 news program on Italian state television, for example, is a master of this technique, full of news items about calves born with two heads and bags snatched by petty thieves — in other words, the sort of minor stories papers used to put low on an inside page — which now serve to fill up three-quarters of an hour of information, to ensure we don’t notice other news stories they ought to have covered have not been covered. Several months ago, the press controlled by Berlusconi, in order to undermine the authority of a magistrate who criticized the premier, followed him for days, reporting that he sat smoking on a bench, went to the barber, and wore turquoise socks. To make a noise, you don’t have to invent stories. All you have to do is report a story that is real but irrelevant, yet creates a hint of suspicion by the simple fact that it has been reported. It is true and irrelevant that the magistrate wears turquoise socks, but the fact it has been reported creates a suggestion of something not quite confessed, leaving a mark, an impression. Nothing is more difficult to dispose of than an irrelevant but true story.

Happy birthday Umberto Eco!


See also: The Art of the Opening.

Gender-Neutral Pronouns Solved!

PronounsIt has always bothered me that we don’t have gender-neutral pronouns. People have tried with things like “ner” or “heir” or some such. Personally, I’ve always liked “it.” What’s the big deal? We are all its, after all. What is with humans that they mind being referred to in the abstract as “it”? But using “it” in this way just makes me seem like a freak, and I have more than enough freak cred. So some number of years ago, I just gave up. I decided that English was a language where the masculine was the neuter. I wasn’t happy about this but this struck me as the least terrible solution to the problem.

One thing I most definitely don’t like is the use of gender-neutral plural pronouns. “Someone entered the room; in the darkness, I could tell they were dressed in a gorilla costume.” What nonsense that is! It makes me long for my preferred “it” solution. Not only do we get a plural pronoun, but we are forced to conjugate the verb incorrectly. If anything could make me flee to Veracruz and take up Spanish full time, it is this approach to the English language.

An even worse solution is to use both genders. I’ll admit, there are times when this actually works just fine. But we end up with problems. Consider: “First, he or she should find his or her seat and then alert his or her friends via text that he or she has arrived.” And then there is the whole question of which gender should go first. Why is it always the male? Hmm?!

This brings us to the standard solution to this problem. People who think about this kind of thing have decided that the best thing to do when dealing with a neuter situation is to alternate. The first time a neuter is needed, use the male. The second time, use the female. And so on. It still leaves us with the decision of which gender to start with, but I guess that’s okay.

My problem with this is that it is a burden. I did not become a writer so I could do accounting. And since most of what I write is short, I would have to remember from article to article what gender I last used. It is a mess. In all things grammatical, I try to make my life simple and the alternating solution does just the opposite.

There is one solution that I very much like. We could just make the neuter female. Our society is so male-focused that a good step toward a more just society would be to make all our genderless examples be women. It would be a good thing for young people to be constantly reminded woman are at least the equal of men. And if it ever got out of hand, we could go back to making the neuter male. The problem is that just as with “it,” I don’t think I can do this on my own. Freak cred and all. But if anyone is starting a movement, sign me up.

Over the past few months, I have come up with a solution. It is a modification of the alternation method. But instead of alternating between instances, I am going to alternate between years. So starting on the first of this year, I switched to the neuter female as you can see in my article, The Worst American Addiction. This means that odd numbered years are female and even numbered years are male. But the great thing is that it doesn’t matter. I’ve only picked female because it is a new year and I was using male before that. The system would work best if people randomly picked their years so that any given reader would see a natural diversity of undetermined genders.

But there is another good aspect of my system. It makes the English language universe better and more egalitarian regardless of what anyone else does. However, the truth is that I don’t especially care. This system is designed to make me feel better. Because this whole subject really bugs me and has bugged me for decades. This decision will remove a small amount of anxiety from my life. But I hope the reader appreciates it — whoever she may be.