Anniversary Post: Copernicus Makes the Index of Forbidden Books!

Nicolaus CopernicusOn this day in 1616, De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium was placed on the Index Librorum Prohibitorum. But I put it that way because I’m suffering from heartburn and feeling very old today. (It is my little sister’s 51st birthday today!) Anyway, the book in question is Copernicus’ On the Revolutions of the Heavenly Spheres, and it was placed on the Catholic Church’s Index of Forbidden Books.

As I’ve noted before, Copernicus had the right idea, but his theory was a mess. Since he assumed that the planets go around the sun in circles, his predictions weren’t good. It would take Johannes Kepler — who was working this all out just as Copernicus was placed on the Index of Forbidden Books — before we got a proper theory of the solar system.

I was thinking, though, that maybe it’s not wrong to withhold distressful information from people. To me, it is more a matter that the idea would never occur to me. That way of thinking is so foreign to me that I’ve never given it any real thought. Obviously, that’s mostly due to the time and place of my birth. But I know a lot of people who are always jumping to the conclusion less information is better. And I just find it bizarre.

Of course, it doesn’t appear that Copernicus’ book was banned because the Church was concerned that it was going to cause riots. It appears it was placed on the Index of Forbidden Books for the same reason that most government documents are classified: because it was embarrassing. It’s not like the Church had made countless reversals previously without everyone losing faith in the Church.

And note: this all happened over 70 years after the book was published. And the book was published after Copernicus died, because he was a careful man. And the Church didn’t care that much anyway. It was just that Galileo was making a lot of noise, and there are always people, as I said, keen to stop the flow of information.

What Conservatism Means to the Republican Base

Marco Rubio Doesn't Understand Republican BaseI didn’t watch much of the Republican debate last night. From what I heard, it was like the one before: basically a street brawl. What I did see showed that the non-Trump candidates really don’t understand their party. They keep hammering away on Trump from the right, as though the Republican base really cares about the ideology of the party. I would think after all these months, everyone would understand: Trump is a conservative to the base because he is a jerk. He struts around like a dictator, and they love it. To them, he is an “every man” because they too would act that way if they had billions of dollars.

But what is perhaps most notable is that it isn’t just the Republican base. According to all the candidates — most especially Rubio — Trump is completely unacceptable. Yet Rubio will support Trump if he is the candidate — so will they all. Similarly, Mitt Romney came out with a big anti-Trump speech. But ultimately, his argument was not that Trump would be a terrible president; his argument was that Trump would be a terrible nominee. I’ve argued from the beginning that the establishment’s problem with Trump is only that they think he’s unelectable — not that he’s a bigot and an authoritarian.

During the debate, Marco Rubio was asked about the lead poisoning in Flint, “Without getting into the political blame game here, where are the national Republicans’ plans on infrastructure and solving problems like this?” He gave no answer other than that the government ought to have some role in the situation. Otherwise, all he talked about was how the Democrats were politicizing the issue and he pushed this straw man argument that Democrats were saying that the Republicans set out to poison the people of Flint.

The establishment should have learned by now that the Republican base just isn’t that into its policies. It was always the belligerence and the racism. It was never the tax cuts and lead-filled water.

Let’s be clear here. The argument that Democrats are making is that the Republicans just didn’t care. They did dangerous things to save money. And when they were alerted to problems they ignored them. You could say the same thing about global warming or dozens of other things. This is because the lead poisoning of Flint exists in a larger narrative that the Republican Party is against any kind of infrastructure spending or any kind of spending at all for the common good. “The free market will fix all problems!” Nowhere in Rubio’s answer was there any acknowledgement that decades of Republican ideology has brought us children in Flint and many other places who have brain damage because of lead poisoning.

Establishment Doesn’t Understand Republican Base

The main attacks that Rubio and Cruz made on Trump were of the kind, “Trump would do things that might stop the children of Flint from being poisoned!” That isn’t a winning argument for the Republican base. They don’t care about Trump’s heresies, just as they don’t care about Reagan’s. They love the show. They love the idea that America is all powerful — largely because the base knows just how non-powerful it is. The audience applauded when Rubio said, “I don’t think that someone woke up one morning and said, ‘Let’s figure out how to poison the water system to hurt someone.'” Because the Republican base isn’t primarily made up of awful people. But the Republican establishment acts as though it were.

The Clean Water Act was enacted under Richard Nixon in 1972. But “moderate” Marco Rubio can’t even bring himself to make a clear argument that we must keep our water clean. Instead, he talked about how horrible it was that Democrats were saying things that Democrats are not saying. According to the establishment, the second worst thing that could happen to the party is that Donald Trump would become the nominee; the worst thing that could happen is that it would lose the election.

There is a huge divide in the Republican Party. The establishment should have learned by now that the Republican base just isn’t that into its policies. It was always the belligerence and the racism. It was never the tax cuts and lead-filled water.

Morning Music: I’m Going Home

Rocky Horror Picture Show - Science Fiction Double FeatureWill was a bit miffed at me for saying that “Science Fiction Double Feature” was the best song from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. And we discussed “I’m Going Home.” And for a weak moment, I even said that as a song — without thought for content — it was probably a better song.

But is that true? It’s hard to say. The truth is that Tim Curry has such an amazing voice that he makes even mediocre songs sound great. And I’m afraid that’s really what’s going on in “I’m Going Home.” The truth is that the song seems unfinished. It wants to take off but it has no where to go. It has the feel of a Jim Steinman song. But Steinman is a much better writer than O’Brien is. So instead of the epic that “I’m Going Home” should be, it is a two minute ditty. He went away but found life off the farm to be unsatisfying and so is happy to be going home.

The song desperately needs a bridge. Obviously it needs it from a musical standpoint. As it is, the song doesn’t even go on long enough to transpose up a whole step and give it that big finish. But it also needs a bridge thematically. Traditionally, a bridge provides a song with a different angle on the subject. And certainly Frank N Furter has one! Yes, the great big world was a disappointment. But did it not also have its thrills? Didn’t he learn anything about life from his murder of Eddie? Didn’t he have it all once? It is supposed to be the show stopping number of the third act. But it just peters out.

But still, we have Tim Curry giving far more than the song deserves. But you know what they say: cards for sorrow; cards for pain (not that anyone knows what the hell it means).

Friendship and Midnight Cowboy

Midnight Cowboy - FriendshipFor some reason, I was thinking about Midnight Cowboy. I’m not that fond of the movie or the novel. It’s so dark. But as dark as the movie is, it is nothing compared to the novel. The movie only hints at Joe’s early life and pretty much all of the homosexuality is washed away. Joe is a far less interesting character in the film. But what I’m interested in is the friendship between Joe and Ratso. This is the part of the book that the film is most faithful to.

I’ve noted before that the film is a lot like Waiting for Godot. Basically, you have two characters who have nothing but each other. And outside their friendship (which is hardly without its problems), the world is a very nasty place: lonely and cruel. In Godot we never learn what Vladimir and Estragon are waiting for. Godot is little more than a symbol of hope that even if life can’t be better, it can at least be different. Joe and Ratso do hope for a better life — some kind of success, but it is hopeless.

The ending of the movie is the only part that I can force myself to watch anymore, because I’ve always seen it as so sweet. Just as in the book, Ratso dies on the bus to Florida. Joe tells the bus driver who says that they just have to continue on and then they will deal with Ratso when they arrive. So Joe goes back to his seat and puts his arm around Ratso. For decades, I always thought that Joe did this as a sign of love and a symbol of their friendship. But that’s totally wrong.

The nature of friendship is interdependence. Joe and Ratso need each other. And as bad as Joe’s life was with Ratso, it was the best that it ever was. When he goes back to sit with Ratso’s dead body, Joe is terrified. Of course he loved and honored Ratso. But what will Joe do without him? Joe is such a wounded character — a beaten puppy beneath the thinnest veneer of bravado. And now he is so alone.

I worry that as a society we only become more and more like Joe and Ratso. We have a society in which success is a commodity. But there is no expanding market. There are only a handful of “greatest” violinists and rich executives. And even if the market were expanding, it would only push greater absolute numbers of people into the category of the worthless.

But that wouldn’t matter, except that we have all bought into this lie and allowed a society to develop that denies the validity of the kind of connection that Joe and Ratso shared. Friendship is something that exists between equals. And who is going to choose to be friends with Ratso? Well, Joe — because Joe has no one else. But do any of us? Joe starts off alone and he ends alone. Maybe he’s wiser now. But that’s likely to make the loneliness all the more acute.

Anniversary Post: Second Opium War

Second Opium WarOn this day in 1857, England and France started the Second Opium War. Reading Wikipedia, you would think it was complicated. And I suppose in a sense, it was complicated. Everything is. But I think it is one of the most honest wars we’ve ever seen. Basically, it was about trade. The west wanted to keep that sweet sweet trade going because England and France were making a fortune. Forget that it was largely made selling opium. The vilification of that drug is the only reason that the two opium wars today are thought of negatively.

But wars are almost always about economics. It’s not like the Chinese government was the good guys in the Second Opium War trying to keep opium out. They were trying to keep Indian opium out of their country. And that was their right! If countries don’t have the right to control their borders, then they aren’t really countries. And that’s pretty much the way the world has gone since then. We aren’t a world of nations anymore; we are a world of corporations. We are living in a William Gibson dystopia, but no one is willing to admit it for what it is.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not keen on borders and countries. But the Second Opium War was just a matter of might makes right. And it is absolutely what the United States is all about. I still find it extremely frustrating that people don’t think we have an empire just because it doesn’t look like empires of old. Would we have gone to war in the Middle East if it wasn’t for oil? I think I’ve made this analogy before, but the American empire is like the hypermodern chess openings. In the old days, in order to win you needed to occupy and control the center. In hypermodern openings, you only need to control — you don’t need to be there.

In a William Gibson novel, corporations would have their own armies. In the modern world, they don’t need them; the government provides that service for free.

Surprise: a Potentially Cogent Reason Not to Kill Yourself Tonight

Arthur Schopenhauer - Secret Smile - SurpriseAs you are probably aware, I’m obsessed with Schopenhauer’s idea of the Will and how it overrides our rational facilities. In it’s most basic form, it comes down to this: we struggle through today so that we can struggle through tomorrow. Now obviously, Schopenhauer’s ideas predated Darwin and we understand why it is that we have this irrational compulsion to keep living: if we didn’t have it, we wouldn’t have survived as a species. Still, we are not hummingbirds. We have rational abilities. Yet we let this primordial instinct carry us on through lives that are very often not worth slogging through. But the universe could surprise us.

I should be clear: I don’t find my argument for the continuance of life all that compelling. If I had lived thousands of years ago and believed that Thor created thunder, maybe it would be different. But I don’t. In the time scale of a human life, the universe is a very predictable thing. And though I may have superstitions about gravity going away, at the core of my being, I think that things will continue on as they have. And sadly, what I’m about to say does not help me because it is too intellectual.

Surprise

A rational reason not to blow your brains out tonight is quite simple: surprise. It’s not just that tomorrow might be better; tomorrow might be mind blowingly better. It might be a combination of heroin, cocaine, being offered your dream job, and the best orgasm you ever had — or could imagine. You don’t know. It’s like Bertrand Russell’s story of the chicken. The life of the chicken is pretty great: you get to do what you want and the farmer feeds and cares for you. Nothing in your entire life has prepared you for the day when he cuts off your head.

Stevie Smith once said that when she learned of suicide as a child, it came as a great relief to her because it meant she had control.

So we don’t know. But deep down, I feel that I do know. When I was in graduate school, I was swimming in a sea of general circulation models (GCMs) — more or less computer models for predicting the weather. And with all that computing power — the 8 CPU 10 GFLOPS ETA10 and thousands of brilliant minds — we didn’t predict the weather very well. Indeed, we still don’t predict weather that well. I’ll give you the secret of predicting tomorrow’s weather almost as well as a supercomputer: look outside and say tomorrow will be the same. And if you have a barometer, well, watch out! (Here in the Bay Area, the pressure has been dropping — storm’s coming in.)

Tomorrow’s going to be like today. Sure, I know intellectually that the sun may rise tomorrow and be paisley. But I “know” in a much more fundamental sense that this is not going to be the case. And I’m glad! Because even though tomorrow could bring the greatest orgasm imaginable, it could also bring the greatest suffering imaginable. Surprise is a double edged sword.

Personally, I don’t kill myself because even my worst days aren’t that bad. Stevie Smith once said that when she learned of suicide as a child, it came as a great relief to her because it meant she had control. If life ever became unbearable, you could end it. I like that thought. But what really seems to separate those who do kill themselves from those who don’t is the feeling of hopelessness — a lack of belief in surprise — the idea that today is eternal. So be happy! Tomorrow could surprise you in a very pleasant way. Of course, well, you know the caveats.

Peter Beinart Just Got Real Stupid

Peter BeinartPeter Beinart is a liberalish writer who makes me wonder about our country. He was born into his job. He had the right parents, went to the right schools, and then, of course, New Republic hired him because he was liberish writer who could depend upon to be a war cheerleader that Andrew Sullivan so loved. That doesn’t mean he’s stupid. Not at all, in fact. Intelligence is mostly a matter of environment, and Beinart has had a great environment. I’m just saying that he wouldn’t be a contributing editor at The Atlantic and no one would have published his mediocre books. I’m saying that he might be writing for struggling daily if he had been raised by retail clerks from the central valley.

But he does write interesting articles from time to time, like his article on the new new left. So I was excited to see he wrote an article, Why Liberals Should Vote for Marco Rubio. The base argument is that if you live in a state where you can vote for any party, you should vote for Rubio. I thought, “Great idea! Because Marco Rubio would be a terrible candidate!” But alas, that is not the argument that Beinart is making at all.

Peter Beinart’s “Common” Sense

One thing you can count on from Peter Beinart is that he will give you the common wisdom of the pundit elites. And that’s what we get here. We are supposed to believe that Trump is such a threat to America, that we must support Rubio. It’s funny that Beinart dismisses Trump being more liberal on the Iraq War, given that Beinart himself was very much in favor of the Iraq War until it all fell apart. He had to write a whole book about why he was wrong. But I guarantee that he hasn’t learned a damned thing, as I discussed before.

Peter Beinart argues that we should want Rubio over Trump because “Rubio respects the Constitution, and in particular, the Bill of Rights. Trump does not.” First, that isn’t at all clear. Should Trump win the presidency, he is going to learn what all new presidents learn: he doesn’t have as much power as he thinks he has. Governments are a whole lot more than their leaders. So how did Hitler take total control of Germany? How did Mussolini take total control of Italy? Both men had their own private militaries. Is Trump going to destroy the Bill of Rights with a barrage of nasty tweets?!

Each iteration of Republican gets worse. But if Trump is a new model, he’s Republican 3.01, not Republican 4.0.

Oh, and Trump says the things out loud that the other Republican candidates only imply! Oh, what a difference that has made in our country! All those African Americans who are blown away by police each year don’t have to hear the n-word first! Yes, this is a good reason to support Rubio. Because it is clear that… Wait, it actually doesn’t make any sense at all.

But one thing is certain, according to Peter Beinart, “Once Trump is nominated, America will have crossed a line.” Really?! If that’s true, it’s an arbitrary line. He wrote, “A man who does not respect Constitutional limits and who preys upon vulnerable minorities will lead one of the two major parties.” I would say that applied to Ronald Reagan and there were plenty of liberals at the time who said the same thing. Each iteration of Republican gets worse. But if Trump is a new model, he’s Republican 3.01, not Republican 4.0. Beinart is basically saying that the Nazi Party would have been better in a fundamental sense, if they hadn’t said bad things about Jews, but still rounded them up and worked them to death.

The truth is that I basically agree with Peter Beinart’s conclusion. It’s just his logic that makes no sense. I think Marco Rubio is a political lightweight. He’s only reached the heights he has because he’s good at sucking up to the right people. I would look forward to seeing Rubio and Clinton on the stage in a debate. No reasonable person could see them together and conclude that Rubio is fit to run this country. Trump, on the other hand, is light on his feet. He is charismatic. Under the right circumstances, he could win.

But Peter Beinart’s idea that Rubio would be a better choice for America is one of the stupidest arguments I’ve heard in the last couple of years.

Morning Music: Science Fiction Double Feature

Rocky Horror Picture Show - Science Fiction Double FeatureWhen I was a teenager, my girlfriend forced me to go to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show at least a dozen times. I hated it. I still think it is a film that could have been great, but is just silly in the most adolescent way imaginable. I read an interview with Richard O’Brien many years ago. In it, he said he wrote it in response to Jesus Christ Superstar. He said that a rock opera should not be about religion but about sex. Fair enough. But did it have to be a 14 year old boy’s idea of sex as he flips the pages of Playboy? But I always loved the opening, “Science Fiction Double Feature.”

What I like in the film is what most people miss: the parody of low budget science fiction and horror films of the 1940s and 1950s. Brad and Janet get stuck in the middle of nowhere when their car breaks down. So they go to the mansion nearby. And they find — Surprise! — a mad scientist. But not just any mad scientist, a “sweet transvestite.” It’s hysterical, but only in the context of oh so many films I’ve seen where this happened but the mad scientist wasn’t a transvestite.

Why “Science Fiction Double Feature” Is the Best Song

Given it is the old movie angle of the film that I like, it should come as no surprise, that my favorite song in the film is “Science Fiction Double Feature.” I still use the song to remember that Michael Rennie (a thoroughly forgettable actor) played Klaatu in The Day the Earth Stood Still. I had thought about writing an article going over all the movie references, but Wikipedia has done a splendid job of it.

For the uninitiated, that was Richard O’Brien singing and Patricia Quinn’s lips. Quinn played Magenta in the film. But she also played the schoolmaster’s wife in the hilarious sex education skit in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life.

Anniversary Post: the First King Kong

King Kong 1933Given the coming morning music, it is a delight to announce at on this day in 1933, King Kong premiered at Radio City Music Hall. Something did indeed go wrong for Fay Wray and King Kong. But here’s the thing: I own all three versions of King Kong. That first one holds up pretty damned well. But it is a very silly film. What the hell is going on at that island? Dinosaurs and a really big gorilla? Think about it. If you knew nothing of film history and someone pitched this idea to you, you would think that Plan 9 From Outer Space was a better idea.

It’s amazing to compare the 1933 King Kong to the 1976 version. The problem isn’t just that they took a really silly classic and decided to treat it seriously. The truth is that the film technology really hadn’t gotten any better in the four decades between the two. If you haven’t watched the films much, you probably think of the big battle on top of the tall buildings. This is because those are the scenes that people show. But if you watch both films all the way through, what you most take away is King Kong mooning over Ann (or, inexplicably, Dwan, in the 1976 version). I just want to smack that stupid ape. I mean Fay Wray and Jessica Lange are pretty enough, but come on!

I seem to be alone in thinking that Peter Jackson’s 2005 version is a cinematic masterpiece. I don’t mean that people dislike it. Pretty much everyone I know liked it quite a lot. But they don’t seem to recognize that it is exactly the film that everyone wanted to make but couldn’t. And yes: there are problems. There are times when the CG is notable. But this is more than compensated for Walsh and Boyens’ densely packed Great Depression setting. And the re-rendering of Carl Denham is brilliant, because let’s face it: the “good guy” in the 1933 film would never have done what he does at the end of the film. But Jack Black’s Denham would absolutely have done that.

It’s such a great film, I think I’m going to go watch it right now. And not just any version, either. I’m talking the special three and a half hour version. Although, I’ll be honest: I may skip the insect pit. It’s hard for me to watch Lumpy die that way.

But each version has it’s advantages. The 1933 version was an amazing achievement for its time. And the 1976 version showed that Jeff Bridges really is at his best when selling cars.

Afterword: King Kong Remakes

I like this video comparison. I don’t fully agree with it. It suffers from my typical complaint of critics. The worst he has to say of the original is that it is dated, which is not really a criticism but an objective fact. And his complaints about the 2005 version are made up. He’s decided that one level of excess (1933) is perfect and another (2005) is not. But in the end, he’s right: you should watch the 1933 King Kong because it is cinema history. You probably shouldn’t watch the 1976 version, unless you are like me and you like dorky films. And you should watch the 2005 version because it is great. And I’ll bet you anything that you cry at the end.

The Hoi Polloi and the Distaste for the Masses

Thucydides - Hoi PolloiI know from experience that if I use an unusual word once, I will use it several other times. There is something about speaking and writing that is very mysterious. Indeed, as I’ve become a better writer, I’ve lost any sense that any of us know what we are doing. Control is something that only the very best poets exhibit, and in their cases, only because they write so very few words. Mostly, writing is a mess and the best we can hope for is clarity. But over the past few months, I’ve noticed the phrase “hoi polloi” used an excessive amount.

That in itself would not be worth commenting on. Words come and go. But in the past, when I heard people use the term, it was almost always used incorrectly. “Hoi polloi” means the common people. It comes from the Greek phrase “οἱ πολλοί,” which means quite literally “the many” although this is not that far from meaning “the mob” — if you want to go there. It’s been used in the English language for less than 200 years. I have my problems with it, and I don’t know of ever using the term — even in conversation. I mean that as no criticism of those who do use the term. On the plus side, it’s fun to say; on the minus side, its showy.

In History of the Peloponnesian War, a fifth century BCE manuscript by Athenian historian Thucydides, the phrase is used positively. In ancient Greek, it would seem that the ordinary people were not something to be sneered at.

But the big problem with the phrase is that it is traditionally used wrong to mean the rich or the “beautiful people.” And you can see why: it sounds like it. It’s easy enough for people to rationalize “hoi” as high and “polloi” to be anything you want. “High populace” perhaps? According to the Oxford Dictionary, this use of “hoi polloi” may have come about because of a confusion with the term “hoity-toity.” Regardless, what I find fascinating is that people are using it correctly, as though someone with a much bigger audience than I wrote an article pointing out that the phrase is commonly misused.

The Real Misuse of Hoi Polloi

Of course, the phrase is misused by pretty much everyone. In History of the Peloponnesian War, a fifth century BCE manuscript by Athenian historian Thucydides, the phrase is used positively. In ancient Greece, it would seem that the ordinary people were not something to be sneered at. But in English, “hoi polloi” is almost always used as a pejorative. Certainly my notion of the hoi polloi is people who watch Dancing With the Stars, or to be perfectly frank, just about every other “reality” television show I come upon, most definitely including the Academy Awards.

So “hoi polloi” is primarily a phrase that we use to look down on some group of people. If it weren’t for the phrase being so nailed down in Greek, I suspect that dictionaries would include “upper class” as a secondary definition — dictionaries being descriptive and not prescriptive. But in general, they don’t. Not that I care. I’d prefer to be done with the phrase except for its use in something like a Looney Tunes cartoon. Otherwise, bourgeois, middle class, workers, masses — they all work better. Imagine this great line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, “Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the hoi polloi, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.” Doesn’t really work, does it?

INTERCAL Is the Most Awesome Programming Language Ever

Don Woods - INTERCALAh, graduate school! There is much that I miss about it. Most people think that graduate school is hard work, but that’s not really true. Looking back on it, it seems like it was a lot of fooling around. As a physics undergrad, I worked very hard — harder than I ever did in my life. But graduate school was different. At least it was for me. I’m a creative guy. I didn’t have a hard time coming up with things to do. And that left a lot of time to do other stuff. That included things like INTERCAL — a subject I will come back to soon.

It was in graduate school that I really developed my love of writing. I published an underground satirical newspaper called The Splinter Post, which made fun of the schools official weekly, The Center Post. It was hugely successful. I also published a straight news underground called Dysentery, which got a department head fired. (I feel kind of bad about that, because looking back, I think he was in the right.) But such is the nature of grad school. Unless you are someone who really doesn’t belong, graduate school gives you lots of time to play. And damn it: play is good!

In 1972, there were two similarly inclined graduate students at Princeton: Don Woods and James Lyon. This was a time when people were creating all kinds of programming languages. Computers were becoming a thing that wasn’t so outside the mainstream. I remember television commercials for Control Data Institute. Oh, it was an exciting time!

But Woods and Lyon noticed something: programming languages sucked! Understand, these are guys who understand computers. They are still programming with computer cards. They know what the stack is. And they are seeing these high level languages pile up and they are just ridiculous. So they wrote INTERCAL, which is short for “Compiler Language With No Pronounceable Acronym.” And as I write this, I am laughing hysterically. This is making fun of languages like APL (A Programming Langage) and the absurd COBOL (Common Business-Oriented Language). But Woods and Lyon had much more in mind than just making fun of the overuse of acronyms.

James Lyon - INTERCALINTERCAL is a real language. It is available on the computer that you are using right now. I guarantee it. And it is designed to annoy. For example, the compiler just ignores anything that it doesn’t understand. Normally, compilers complain. But not INTERCAL! It’s very easy going. As a result, a comment is any line of code that it doesn’t understand. But you have to be really careful, because if it does understand the code it will compile it. And then where will you be?

Well, that’s kind of the point. INTERCAL is a language that is made to drive you crazy. For example, if you make an error in your code, INERCAL will just ignore it and not tell you. It really is deliciously evil.

Introducing INTERCAL

I’m sure by now, you want to see some INTERCAL programming. Who wouldn’t?! I mean, this is the greatest programming language ever written. So let’s consider the standard “Hello, world!” program. In BASIC, this is a single line program:


10 print "Hello, world!"

Doing this is a tad more complicated with INTERCAL. Here is its “Hello, world!” program:

DO ,1 <- #13
PLEASE DO ,1 SUB #1 <- #238
DO ,1 SUB #2 <- #108
DO ,1 SUB #3 <- #112
DO ,1 SUB #4 <- #0
DO ,1 SUB #5 <- #64
DO ,1 SUB #6 <- #194
DO ,1 SUB #7 <- #48
PLEASE DO ,1 SUB #8 <- #22
DO ,1 SUB #9 <- #248
DO ,1 SUB #10 <- #168
DO ,1 SUB #11 <- #24
DO ,1 SUB #12 <- #16
DO ,1 SUB #13 <- #162
PLEASE READ OUT ,1
PLEASE GIVE UP

Did I forget to mention that there is a PLEASE operator? In some implementations of INTERCAL, the compiler will do nothing if you don't include enough PLEASE commands. And if you include too many, it will consider you obsequious and still won't do anything. Because what's the point? Let's face it: you suck.

I hope never to have to do anymore software development. But if I do, I think I'm going to demand that it all be done in INTERCAL. It's my kind of language.

Morning Music: Hello in There

John Price - Hello in ThereAfter all these years, John Prine’s song “Hello in There” still gives me chills. In fact, it can bring me to tears if I’m feeling a little bit down. It was off his first album, John Prine, which is still my favorite of his albums, although I’ll admit that maybe it isn’t his best album. It’s hard to say. Every song is great. He does have a tendency to break momentum between chorus and verse. But it is a smaller problem with “Hello in There.”

The issue of old people being forgotten in our society is an important one. It is the result of our economic problems — the devaluation of work and expertise. I’ve seen it a lot in high tech and I have to admit to being very pleased to be out of it. If you look at old coders — people who cut their teeth of COBOL and FORTRAN — they know everything. Unlike the 20-somethings who can code the most recent fad programming language for little money, the old ones understand the whole context. They understand that it still all comes down to putting bits on silicon and pushing them through a CPU.

But who cares?! I’m the youngest person I know whose coded assembly language. In the modern world, we create systems so we don’t need people who understand the big picture. We need people who are “human resources” so that one “human resource” can be plugged into where another “human resource” used to be. And in that world, we sure don’t care about old people. It isn’t that we are cruel. We don’t know there is anyone worthwhile to say “hello in there” to.

Of course, there is another side of this. I go out of my way to talk to old people. But sometimes, they are so starved for conversation, that they don’t know how to have a conversation — they just perform a repetitive monologue. I don’t blame them — it’s our fault. But it’s frustrating. Still, I think Prine is right:

So if you’re walking down the street sometime
And spot some hollow ancient eyes
Please don’t just pass them by and stare
As if you didn’t care, say, “Hello in there, hello.”