Trump’s Penis Is Important to His Supporters

Not Donald Trump's PenisWill sent me a video, Donald Trump: Show Us Your Penis. People want to know if Trump’s penis is as big as he says it is. The video’s been out for a few days and still has less than a million views. How is that even possible? If a video with that title doesn’t go viral, what has become of the internet? I mean it. Even if the video was terrible, it should have at least ten million views. And the video is not terrible; the video is amazingly good. It gets the tone perfectly right.

Previously, Rubio had made mention of Donald Trump’s hands being small. This supposedly means that he has a small penis. I’d never heard that. I have certainly heard of the foot-penis correlation and assumed that it was an urban legend. And it is. I mean, why would there be a correlation? How about nose or ear size? You might as well be measuring the bumps on a man’s head. But anyway, Rubio made fun of Trump’s hands, because Rubio decided that the way to beat Trump was to sink to his level. And that has worked out as well as you might think, given that Rubio placed third or fourth in every primary yesterday.

Trump Couldn’t Let Go of Trump’s Penis

But Trump couldn’t let the whole thing go. At the last Republican debate, Trump said, “He referred to my hands: if they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you, there’s no problem. I guarantee you.” So: Trump’s penis is amazing, like everything else about him. But the whole thing shows that even when the other Republicans sink to Trump’s level, he can sink lower without it having any effect on his campaign. Trump won Michigan easily last night. And in Mississippi, he came close to getting a straight out majority. That was as close to a head-to-head contest as we’ve seen, and Trump got 47.3% — 11 percentage points more than Ted Cruz.

The brilliance of this video is that it is somber. It treats the size of Trump’s penis very seriously. Rubio introduced it to the race. Trump kept the issue alive and has now made a falsifiable claim. Or to be more accurate: he implied a falsifiable claim. Because apparently, 80% of women have difficulty reaching orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone. So maybe that’s all he means; maybe he gives good “face.” And I’m sure if you asked him, Trump would tell you that he gives great face. No one is better at giving face than he is. You wouldn’t believe it. And if you question him, his tongue just got ten inches longer.

But the people in the video want proof. They want to know how big Trump’s penis is — or at least if “there’s no problem”:

But I find the whole thing disturbing in that I suspect that Trump supporters do care about the size of his penis. Being supporters, they just take it for granted that a man that belligerent, with that much swagger, must have a big penis. It’s all about this idea of physical power. Last week, Bobby Jindal argued that it was Obama’s “cool, weak and endlessly nuanced” nature that brought us Trump. But we know that isn’t the case. The Republican base has been begging for Trump ever since Reagan left office.

The truth is, there isn’t much difference in most people’s minds between a “strong man” and a strongman. And when it comes to Trump supporters, its all the same. It’s the cult of personality just as sure as it was for Mussolini. Or Kim Jong-il. Remember when he played golf and got 5 (later 11) holes in one? I’m sure the true believers in North Korea assumed he had a very big penis too. The biggest. You wouldn’t believe it.

Morning Music: The Soul of Many Places

Got No Breading - The Soul of Many PlacesToday, I want to highlight a Jules Shear song that makes me kind of weepy — but in a good way. It is “The Soul of Many Places.” It’s a full tilt love song — but a wise one. It has lines like, “I will not invade you like a warrior or a preacher; I will not approve you like a butcher or a teacher.” Ah, that is something that most 26 year olds don’t know about love; that’s something that most people of any age don’t know about love: you have to accept people as they are if you plan to be around them a lot.

Of course, what I most love about “The Soul of Many Places” is one word: starving. The refrain is all leading up to that word. She touches the soul of places in him that he is starving to touch in her. I do remember feeling this way. And even as I felt it, I understood the tragic nature of it: love doesn’t work that way. Yes: you are touched in ways that you cannot explain. Yes: you wish to touch the object of your affection in the same way. But no: it never works out that way.

There is a great strength and joy to “The Soul of Many Places.” One could, I suppose read the song in a positive way, but that isn’t my nature. The singer understands the tragedy but is going to embrace what is ultimately a losing proposition. The funny thing is, the one time that I was ever in this situation, I did exactly the same thing. But the brave embrace of my feelings only lasted for so long. Then I fell apart. For a decade or so. But then, I’m a slow learner — good, but slow.

Anniversary Post: French Foreign Legion

French Foreign LegionOn this day in 1831, the French Foreign Legion was established to — What else?! — fight to maintain their imperial dreams in Algeria. But what makes the French Foreign Legion interesting is that it is a part of the French military that is made up of foreign nationals. We have no such thing here in the United States, although I’m sure with all our private military contractors (mercenaries), we get more or less the same thing.

But to me, the French Foreign Legion means one thing and one thing only: it is what young love sick men went off to join in the films and stories of my youth. In fact, it seems to me, that Huckleberry Hound even joined the force to forget his lost Clementine. So that’s really the extent of what it means to me. But it makes sense. You know: running off to war is one of the primary stupid things that young men do when the women of their dreams do not return their affections. So it isn’t surprising that the French Foreign Legion would be used as a kind of trite plot device for low brow entertainment.

What’s most amazing is that the thing continues on to this day. There are apparently almost 8,000 people. Until 2000, women were mostly barred from being in the French Foreign Legion. But it isn’t clear that any women have actually joined since they’ve been allowed. It must be because women deal with being scorned better than men do. After all, the song is, “Oh My Darling, Clementine”; not, “Oh My Darling, Benjamin.”

But hey, this ought to change. There are always lots of Muslims in Algeria who need killing. And it really doesn’t matter if it is a woman or a man who is doing it. Supposedly, French Defence Minister Alain Richard said he wanted the French Foreign Legion to have 20% women by 2020. I think they’re going to miss that target by, oh, 20 percentage points.