This is 5:00 pm, last night. I miss my evenings!
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Daily Archives: 11 Nov 2011
The RIGHT Way to Express Yourself
I’ve come up with bumper stickers that I believe accurately reflect the values that many in this county hold near and dear. As everyone knows, there are few ways that so effectively and concisely sum up one’s raison d’etre than ribbon magnets and bumper stickers. I hope these help…
Most conservatives believe, along with the world’s major religions, that homosexuality is a filthy choice made by depraved, maladjusted individuals. Those who change their minds and play it straight are allowed to live in relative harmony with the good God-fearing citizens who chose to be straight when they were born. Those fiends who choose to prance around in blatant defiance of God’s word, rejecting his love and forgiveness, well, they deserve to die. With this simple message conservatives and religious zealots alike could save lives, and more importantly, souls. What better way to share God’s compassion than to save someone from being beaten to death or killing themselves? It’s as simple as turning right rather than left.
As every Christian knows, the world was messed up right from the beginning. The cause? Women, snakes, and knowledge. IF Eve had never spoken to Satan in his snake suit (why not a bunny?), and IF Eve hadn’t eaten an apple from the Tree of Knowledge (the one and only goddamn thing that God had told her not to do), and IF Adam hadn’t been so distracted by boobies that he had a taste of that same enlightening bit of fruit, none of us would be suffering today. We would all be dumb, happy nudists. Today’s conservatives understand the value of ignorance. I think it was Jesus who said, “Ignorance is bliss.” You can’t worry about what you don’t know about. They just want us to be happy.
Adam Sandler Should Stop Now
I’ll bet Rolling Stone’s movie reviewer, Peter Travers, really hates his job sometimes. Anyone who had seen the preview for Adam Sandler’s latest attempt would have known how terrible it was likely to be. (Actually, if you’ve seen the majority of his movies you would know the very high probability of this one sucking.)
According to Peter Travers:
The plot is a stew of half-baked ideas that quickly turns rancid. Jack has problems at work; his company will go under if he can’t persuade Al Pacino to play himself in a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial. Watching the Oscar winner bust a move and freestyle rap while he extols the virtues of sipping a Dunkachinno is to witness desperation incarnate.
Sandler and director Dennis Dugan must have something on “The Godfather” to make him lower himself to these depths. “Burn it,” says Pacino after watching the commercial Sandler creates. “No one must ever see this.” The same goes for the movie.
The only reason I’m bringing it up is because I love the title of the review.