I’ve come up with bumper stickers that I believe accurately reflect the values that many in this county hold near and dear. As everyone knows, there are few ways that so effectively and concisely sum up one’s raison d’etre than ribbon magnets and bumper stickers. I hope these help…

Most conservatives believe, along with the world’s major religions, that homosexuality is a filthy choice made by depraved, maladjusted individuals. Those who change their minds and play it straight are allowed to live in relative harmony with the good God-fearing citizens who chose to be straight when they were born. Those fiends who choose to prance around in blatant defiance of God’s word, rejecting his love and forgiveness, well, they deserve to die. With this simple message conservatives and religious zealots alike could save lives, and more importantly, souls. What better way to share God’s compassion than to save someone from being beaten to death or killing themselves? It’s as simple as turning right rather than left.

As every Christian knows, the world was messed up right from the beginning. The cause? Women, snakes, and knowledge. IF Eve had never spoken to Satan in his snake suit (why not a bunny?), and IF Eve hadn’t eaten an apple from the Tree of Knowledge (the one and only goddamn thing that God had told her not to do), and IF Adam hadn’t been so distracted by boobies that he had a taste of that same enlightening bit of fruit, none of us would be suffering today. We would all be dumb, happy nudists. Today’s conservatives understand the value of ignorance. I think it was Jesus who said, “Ignorance is bliss.” You can’t worry about what you don’t know about. They just want us to be happy.