Author Archives: Frank Moraes

About Frank Moraes

Frank Moraes is a freelance writer and editor online and in print. He is educated as a scientist with a PhD in Atmospheric Physics. He has worked in climate science, remote sensing, throughout the computer industry, and as a college physics instructor. Find out more at About Frank Moraes.

Up with Chris Hayes

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As you probably know, I am very fond of The Nation editor Chris Hayes (even if I am less and less pleased with the magazine itself). Thus, I was excited to check out his new MSNBC show. He is an amazing man. He seems to know everything that is going on in politics, even little obscure things. When I listen to Rachel Maddow or Lawrence O’Donnell, I am impressed with them, but they rarely know anything I don’t. That was not the case a few times during last weekend’s Up with Chris Hayes. Here he is destroying James Poulos, who is apparently pushing the same thoroughly discredited Republican talking point that Fannie May and Freddie Mac caused the housing bubble.[1]:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Another great thing about the show is that it is unabashedly liberal. Unlike pretty much all other political shows where a panel will consist of three conservatives and one centrist Democrat (or rarely an actual liberal), this show has three liberals and one conservative. Who would have thought? Of course, everyone will say that Up is a liberal show, but never say that This Week (to name one show at random) is conservative. We’ll see how long Up with Chris Hayes stays on the air in its current form.

Check out the show online. Currently it provides whole hours without commercial interuption.

[1] Poulos seems like a smart guy, and yet he is a conservative. I still don’t understand how anyone other than the super rich (and not even them) can be conservative. All I can think is that they misunderstand what their true interests are because everyone tends to do better under Democratic administrations. Undoubtedly, it has a lot to do with Upton Sinclair’s idea, “It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.”

Politicians Bored with Politics

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Cain-PalinAll the excitement over Herman Cain not knowing what has been going on about Libby did not surprise me. It reminded me of Sarah Palin in the 2008 presidential election when she was asked to name a Supreme Court ruling other than Roe V. Wade. It has been some time since I have been surprised by an individual politician doing such a thing—particularly a conservative politician.

What does surprise me is the general phenomenon. Why do people who are obviously far less interested in politics than I am go into politics? Above we have two examples of nationally known politicians who don’t know the answers to political questions that would be easy for a wide swath of Americans with no political ambitions. This must indicate that we have the wrong incentives. We don’t see professional basketball players who have no interest in basketball.

Could it be that politics isn’t about politics, but rather just power?

The Ultimate Question

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Aasif Mandvi is one of my favorite people on The Daily Show. Plus, he has rapidly growing jowls. Sure, they’re not too big yet, but just wait. At the rate he’s going, he’ll look worse than I do in two years. Anyway, jowls aside, he has the best scene in the charming romantic comedy Ghost Town.

Now I’ve Written to Senator Feinstein

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I was much nicer when I wrote to Senator Boxer—because she isn’t such a schmuck.

Hi-

The deal that looks to be emerging from the Super Committee looks to be very bad. I am determined not to vote for anyone who votes to cut social safety net programs—regardless of how much in tax increases the Republicans agree to. In my experience, all tax increases do is increase my taxes while lowering those of the rich. But I don’t care! No deal is good enough. Any such deal is a loser for Democrats. As it is, Democrats seem to be going for the brand of “Not as bad as the Republicans!” That’s not a good brand!

Tax the rich, by all means. But don’t cut our safety net programs.

Thank you.

-Frank

That Mitchell and Webb Look Get Serious

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That Mitchell and Webb LookIt came as a great gift that when I went to check out some old episodes of That Mitchell and Webb Look on Netflix, I found that a new season (series?) was available. Like the glutton I am, I sat down and watched all six episodes. What a delight these guys are. The show compares so well to American comedy. The primary reason I don’t watch Saturday Night Live, for example, is that the skits rarely go anywhere. A skit will have a (hopefully) funny idea, riff on it, and then end abruptly. In comparison, That Mitchell and Webb Look generally have skits that do go somewhere and provide a payoff.[1]

A good example of their writing is found in one of their skits from the first episode of Season 4. It is a film set and an actress is giving an emotional performance. The actor playing opposite her is supposed to respond with the words, “I don’t know what you want any more.” But instead of matching her level of emotion, he mumbles the line. The director calls cut and then they riff on it a bit. The director tries to get the actor to emote (or even just speak the line properly), but all the actor can do is mumble the line in a different way. If this were an SNL skit, that’s where it would end. Here, the director continues to work with the actor. Finally, the director gives up and decides to cut the line. The actor is upset. “Mike!” he says. “I’m doing my best! I really am! It’s just…” Followed immediately by the mumbled, “I don’t know what you want any more.” The skit is hysterical and fulfilling.

Mitchell and Webb are good about retiring skits before they get old. In some cases, I’m glad to see them go. Numberwang—the unfathomably complex numbers game—never really worked for me fully. Maybe this is because I don’t have enough experience with British television. Two skits I do miss disappeared rather suddenly: The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar—a drunken and most likely psychotic homeless man and his sidekick Ginger—and Ted and Peter—the alcoholic commentators on televised snooker matches, a pool game I had never heard of before. Of course, they have all been replaced with, if anything, better skits like The Quiz Broadcast—a post-appocolypic quiz show that takes place after some unspeakable “event.”[2]

What really caught my attention in Season 4, however, was a bit they started in Episode 5 that was paid off in Episode 6. In the middle of Episode 5, Mitchell was telling Webb about having finally seen all the Black Adder shows. He says that he thinks they screwed up the ending of Black Adder Goes Forth. For those who don’t know it, this show takes place in the trenches of World War I, and it ends very poignantly with all the men going over the top and being shot to pieces. So the joke is that Mitchell thinks this is just a joke that bombed. Amusing. Then they get to talking about how they need to end their show with “something tacked-on and mawkish.” They continue later in the show discussing ways they can end the show in this way. While thinking about it, they go to get some tea. But it’s not ready! It will take 5 minutes! They are devastated—in slow motion just like in Black Adder Goes Forth. Brilliant.

But that’s not the end. They finally decide that the way to end the show is to kill off their cast member, James. There is a montage of things James has been in before with the text, “James Bachmann: 1972-2010.” Then, it cuts to a room with a woodchipper. Two feet stick out of it with the words, “Tragically got put into a woodchipper for narrative reasons.” Brilliant.

But that’s not the end. Okay. It is the end of that episode. But then they end Episode 6 (the season finale) with a funny skit about an old Sherlock Holmes that ends poignantly and uncomfortably and in no way funny.[3] Holmes is in a rest home with dementia. They go a long way with the comedy of a once brilliant man who is now a babbling fool, while Watson tries to cover and preserve Homes’ former image of himself. And then, it stops on a dime. Holmes looks at Watson seriously and says, “I know, John. I do know. I can’t get the fog to clear.” Watson is speechless. Devastated. Then Holmes looks pained and calls out for the nurse. She comes in and checks him. “Oh, dear. It looks like a two pipe problem. Let’s get you cleaned up.” This last bit is not cheap scatological humor. There is no laugh track here. It is deadly serious. Sad. Brilliant.

[1] A Bit of Fry and Laurie is equally good. Or a little better. Or a little worse. But definitely of similar quality.

[2] I believe they started The Quiz Broadcast in Season 3. It was definitely before Season 4, but it definitely comes into its all in Season 4.

[3] Yes. In that sentence “funny” is an adverb. Don’t ever let me hear you use the word “funnily”!

I Guess We’ll Have to Come Up with Some Other Way to Survive an Anaconda Attack

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Anaconda

The following supposedly comes from a Peace Corps manual, but if it does, we are in serious trouble.

  1. Do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
  2. Lie flat on the ground, put your arms tight against your sides and your legs tight against each other.
  3. Tuck your chin in.
  4. The snake will being to nudge and climb over your body.
  5. Do not panic.
  6. The snake will begin to swallow your feet first.
  7. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
  8. When the snake has reached your knees, reach down, take your knife, slide it into the side of the snake’s mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg. Quickly rip upward, severing the snake’s head.
  9. Be sure you have your knife.
  10. Be sure your knife is sharp

This is great fun. The best part is the information that the snake is faster than we are. Who ever knew that slithering was such an efficient means of travel? “In this lane: Usain Bolt; and in this lane, any freaking anaconda you might run into”? That was a terrifying thought. But also, somehow, wonderfully funny. Then there is the whole step number five: do not panic! That kind of goes along with all the steps, right? If I were to write a list of what I would do, it would be something like this: 1. Panic; 2. Wet your pants; 3. Scream; 4. Repeat as needed. Of course, what’s most funny are numbers nine and ten: the “Oh! By the way!” steps. There really should be an eleventh step, “Don’t wait until an anaconda attacks to read this.”

I Smell a Rat Swallowed by a Snake

Something about this list did not seem quite right. True, on reading it, I immediately decided never to visit the Amazon. But the rest, although hilarious, seemed questionable. Sure, the basic idea seemed good: wait until the snake is helpless and kill it. That’s advice we can all use in all aspects of our lives, not just our run-ins with 20 foot long snakes. But other things? “The snake will nudge and climb over your body”? What is it? A squirrel? An average adult anaconda weighs about 350 pounds. Okay, maybe. And what is that about lying perfectly still? Is this to trick the snake into thinking we are dead? Because if that’s the case, I have this feeling it wouldn’t eat us. Most animals don’t dig on eating dead animals that they find lying around. It’s kind of like us picking up a discarded bag of chips off the road and eating what remains inside. Sure, some people do it; but its not our MO.

A little research goes a long way. In this case, it proves that this recipe for surviving an anaconda attack is complete bunk. Even if everything else where true, this technique would not work. The problem is that all snakes swallow their prey headfirst. “Wait until the snake has swallowed you up to your shoulders”? I don’t think so—especially if it “will take a long time”!

But there is good news! Anacondas are not faster than we are. Not even close. They aren’t even faster when we are on crutches. Anacondas have a maximum speed of about 1 mile per hour. That’s about a third of our walking speed. So yeah, it would be hard to crawl away from an anaconda. My recommendation is that you not try to get away from an anaconda by crawling.

Another reason not to worry: there seems to be no known case of an anaconda ever eating an adult human. Yes, they have occasionally killed humans. But they don’t eat us. This is generally true of wild animals. Humans are too bony and don’t have enough fat. That’s right, they’re just like us: they want creme brulee and we taste like broccoli.

Lonely Shoes

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I hate artificial uselessness.

Yesterday, I was walking down the street and I passed by this shoe:

<%image(20111113-shoe.jpg|450|371|Lonely Shoe)%>

I would not normally take a picture of a shoe. Smaller objects, I will often pick up and hold onto for a while. I have no idea why. But shoes are too big, too personal. So normally, I note them and move on. Yesterday, however, several paces past the athletic shoe, I came upon a thong:[1]

<%image(20111113-thong.jpg|450|345|Lonely Thong)%>

I present these lonely shoes to you because they really bug me. I have no problem with junk: half a remote control, a cracked PEZ dispenser, a crushed Hot Wheel. Certainly, I wonder how these things ended up on the road.[2] These are trash. But what of the lonely shoes? Look at the athletic shoe in the picture above. It is in fine shape. But it is useless. I can’t help but imagine that somewhere else there is a matching perfectly good shoe. Also now useless.

I hate waste like this. We are none of us useless just because we no longer have a match.

[1] Just watch. Now I will get all kinds of porn spam on this page.

[2] This is why the opening of Breaking Bad is so great. How does a pair of pants end up on a country road? We’d all like to think that the random objects we see each have such interesting stories.

The RIGHT Way to Express Yourself

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I’ve come up with bumper stickers that I believe accurately reflect the values that many in this county hold near and dear. As everyone knows, there are few ways that so effectively and concisely sum up one’s raison d’etre than ribbon magnets and bumper stickers. I hope these help…

straight.jpg

Most conservatives believe, along with the world’s major religions, that homosexuality is a filthy choice made by depraved, maladjusted individuals. Those who change their minds and play it straight are allowed to live in relative harmony with the good God-fearing citizens who chose to be straight when they were born. Those fiends who choose to prance around in blatant defiance of God’s word, rejecting his love and forgiveness, well, they deserve to die. With this simple message conservatives and religious zealots alike could save lives, and more importantly, souls. What better way to share God’s compassion than to save someone from being beaten to death or killing themselves? It’s as simple as turning right rather than left.

ignorance.jpg

As every Christian knows, the world was messed up right from the beginning. The cause? Women, snakes, and knowledge. IF Eve had never spoken to Satan in his snake suit (why not a bunny?), and IF Eve hadn’t eaten an apple from the Tree of Knowledge (the one and only goddamn thing that God had told her not to do), and IF Adam hadn’t been so distracted by boobies that he had a taste of that same enlightening bit of fruit, none of us would be suffering today. We would all be dumb, happy nudists. Today’s conservatives understand the value of ignorance. I think it was Jesus who said, “Ignorance is bliss.” You can’t worry about what you don’t know about. They just want us to be happy.

Adam Sandler Should Stop Now

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I’ll bet Rolling Stone’s movie reviewer, Peter Travers, really hates his job sometimes. Anyone who had seen the preview for Adam Sandler’s latest attempt would have known how terrible it was likely to be. (Actually, if you’ve seen the majority of his movies you would know the very high probability of this one sucking.)

According to Peter Travers:

The plot is a stew of half-baked ideas that quickly turns rancid. Jack has problems at work; his company will go under if he can’t persuade Al Pacino to play himself in a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial. Watching the Oscar winner bust a move and freestyle rap while he extols the virtues of sipping a Dunkachinno is to witness desperation incarnate.

Sandler and director Dennis Dugan must have something on “The Godfather” to make him lower himself to these depths. “Burn it,” says Pacino after watching the commercial Sandler creates. “No one must ever see this.” The same goes for the movie.

The only reason I’m bringing it up is because I love the title of the review.

Another Letter to President Obama

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ObamaThe super-committee debate over budget cuts reminds me again of just how angry I am at you for how you handled the debt ceiling issue.

And now, to make matters worse, the Democrats on the super-committee seem to be going out of their way to cut even more than is required. And what for? Is cutting the deficit going to grow the economy? No! Just the opposite.

How I wish there were someone running next year who I wanted to vote for. At this point, your best chance is that I glumly drag myself to the polls and vote for you. What kills me about this is that I’m sure this is what you were counting on all along.