Category Archives: Fun? Maybe? Fun?

Testing Political Ideology

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Select SmartI came upon an interesting website, Select Smart. Basically, it has just about every kind of quiz you could imagine. For example, it has the Spiritual Belief System Selector. In twenty questions, it rates you on 27 philosophies and religions. I scored very high in secular humanism, unitary universalism, liberal Quaker, Taoism, and New Age. I scored zero on Eastern Orthodox, Orthodox Judaism, and Roman Catholic. But I managed to get 12% on Islam. I question how accurate it is, but it definitely nailed me on what I matched best.

Select SmartThe reason I found the site was that I was looking for a test for paleoconservatism. The site has a whole bunch of political tests and they all have the same 24 questions. In addition to this test, you can check nine others: paleo-libertarian, conservative, libertarian, neoconservative, centrist, Third Way, liberal, left-libertarian, and radical. On the three libertarian categories, I scored just as I expected: paleo, 33%; normal, 45%; and left, 54%. I got my highest scores on liberal and radical, where I got 79%. (There is a confusing question about a no-fly zone in Iraq that if eliminated would make me score higher on radical and lower on liberal.)

Select SmartWhat’s interesting is not so much the results, but what the writers thought defined the different political ideologies. For example, only the left of the libertarians believed that abortion should be legal at the state level. That isn’t even Roe v Wade territory. And as a former libertarian, it pains me to say, but that’s correct. In general, libertarians — despite all their rhetoric about personal choice and freedom — are anti-choice. Similarly, only the left-libertarians think that the religious right is a threat to civil rights. I suspect that is because most libertarians in the United States are, in fact, conservative Christians.

Select SmartThe most striking thing on the test is the question, “If your state flag included design elements from the Confederate flag, would you prefer to remove those elements?” This is given a negative for paleoconservatism, paleo-libertarianism, and conservatism. I assume this goes along with quite a lot of research. For example, the neoconservative answer is true. In fact, I score higher on neoconservatism than I do on straight conservatism. Neoconservatives are nutty (and ignorant and stupid) when it comes to foreign policy, but they aren’t as crazy when it comes to ordinary domestic policy. I think what has gone on over the last fifty years or so is that the conservative movement has become far more neo-Confederate. It’s a very disturbing development.

Select SmartWhat’s perhaps most interesting in the tests is how centrist and Third Way stack up. They aren’t as close as you would think. And the main way that they are different is that Third Way is much more socially liberal. The centrists are actually closest to the neoconservatives. That means that the Third Way folk are just what I’ve been complaining about for years: economically conservative and socially liberal. They are, in other words, the anti-populists. That’s what makes their claims to be speaking for middle-America so funny. Third Way is the most elitist political movement in the nation. And the best part of that elitism is their absolute conviction that they speak for “the middle.”

Select SmartAnyway, if you aren’t doing anything, you might click over to Select Smart. You can find out your religion, political ideology, personality type — you name it. It’s all nonsense. But it’s fun!

BuzzFeed Britain Names the States!

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British CountiesYou may remember back a couple of years, I introduced you to the Know Your States game at Jim’s Pages. I call it a game, but it is also a great tool to learn your states and where they are. And that’s a good thing, because Americans are hopeless when it comes to geography. I know I am! But I’ve gotten a whole lot better. And by playing the game obsessively for a while, I’ve actually gotten to the point that I know all the states. (The game itself is a lot harder than that; you have to be able to place them pretty accurately on a blank map.)

Bearing this in mind, I was pleased to see that BuzzFeed does a fun thing, We Asked Brits to Label the United States Again, Because It’s A Thanksgiving Tradition. Yes, it is a tradition: this is the second year that they’ve done it. And the main thing that comes across is that the people working in the London office of BuzzFeed are very clever, even if they don’t know much about the geography of the United States.

Most of them are very funny, but you really need to click over to BuzzFeed to see them because they would be too small to read here. But this one makes a serious point:

Brits Draw America

I would go further. I think these Brits actually do a whole lot better a job than the vast majority of Americans. That’s why you should play Know Your States. We’ve got to beat the Brits!

Idiosyncratic Art From Logicked

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LogickedAs regular readers know, I have a great love of idiosyncratic art. (See, for example, Death Bed: the Bed that Eats.) I am just so tired of polished soullessness. It is much more interesting to watch something from someone who has a vision that is more than a minor variation on a tired theme. One would think that YouTube would be great for this kind of thing, and it is — to a small extent. But we don’t get as much as we ought to because most people think polished soullessness is the height of artistic achievement. This tends to reduce both supply (since most people only have soullessness to offer) and demand (with many people pushing their banal and often cruel opinions on the creators of idiosyncratic art).

I came upon a great collection of idiosyncratic videos by a guy that goes by the name of logicked. He is an atheist who makes videos that debunk videos by creationists. That in itself is not interesting. There are actually a good too many of such videos. I tend to bristle when I hear atheists talking about science, because they generally have a fairly superficial understanding of it. Just the same, they are close enough, and compared to their creationist opponents, they are downright omniscient. Logicked’s science is better than most, but what is great about him is that he is both funny and bizarre.

The videos I’ve watched counter the young earth creationist and supposed chemist (And “scientist”!) John Morris Pendleton. I’m sketchy on who Pendleton is, but according to a YouTube page, “Pendleton is a missionary near Mexico City. He has an excellent creation seminar and literature ministry in English and has also translated creation materials into Spanish. He is a scientist with a BS in chemistry. Pendleton has great appreciation for the importance of Creation Science and commitment to disseminate the truth of God’s Special Creation.” It is interesting, however, that despite his chemistry degree, he appears to work as an auto mechanic — not that there is anything wrong with that, but the Car Talk guys didn’t claim to be “scientists.”

Logicked has taken Pendleton’s videos and cut them up to create a kind of conversation — as if logicked were sitting in the lecture interrupting. It has the effect of Mystery Science Theater 3000 riffing, except that logicked often goes into some depth rebutting a point. And, in fact, he has even created a video (which I haven’t watched) called, Mystery Logicked Theater 3000 — Rapture Brainwashing Video. But rather than logicked only doing voice overs or providing yet another pasty white guy talking head, he appears in black, with a black bandanna around his face, 3-D glasses, and one of those horrible top hats that trendy haberdashers now sell.

There is much to like. Primarily, there is the curious juxtaposition of Pendleton with his earnest arrogance wearing a prop lab coat and logicked with his razor sharp sarcasm wearing his Tim Burton meets Roger Corman outfit. There is the constant visual ribbing with flames and other “demonic” iconography. There are strange little skits in later episodes. And there is the hard-driving, noise-infused music that I’m too old to identify. It all combines to create something quite extraordinary where Pendleton is very much a collaborator in the whole thing. Check out this very funny second “episode”:

(Note: Episode Five is actually better in terms of its idiosyncrasies, including “The Oracle of Toronto” and the death of Yahweh.)

People like Pendleton offend me. I really have no problem with people believing whatever they want. But it is wrong to pretend to do science. I think of Pendleton the way I think of the cargo cultists. They did everything they could to make it appear that they were running an airport. But the airplanes did not come back. Pendleton and the other young earth creationists do everything to appear as though they are doing science. But there is a difference. The cargo cultists really believed. I think people like Pendleton know full well that they aren’t doing science; they are just pretending to trick other people. We saw this when Ken Ham admitted that there is literally no evidence that would make him stop believing in creationism.

Logicked expressed some of my frustration in one of his early videos:

And that’s really what it comes down to, isn’t it, John? After all that supposed evidence you presented, after all that garbage you dug up from Answers in Genesis and from other creationist website with no real factual evidence to back it up — only conjecture, pictures, random quotes from random books that I now have to buy just to be able to see what the context is — after all that, none of it matters! None of it really matters, John. It’s all the Bible and it’s always been the Bible and it always will be the Bible and all this evidence you say convinces you has nothing to do with why you’re convinced. So why don’t you just be honest? Why do you bother trying to present all this evidence? All it does is make you look like a liar and a fraud and a fake and a moron. Go back to your little brainwashed churchy world — and that goes for all you creationists out there. Quit pretending. Go to church. Go pray in your fucking closet like Jesus instructed you to. Quit lying!

But that’s not why you should check him out. Much of his material is genuinely — laugh out loud — funny. And the fact that he does it while looking like a 21st century psychedelic Jack the Ripper only makes it that much more fun.

Bill Watterson Is Back!

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Bill WattersonIf you’ve heard that Bill Watterson has started a new comic strip, you have been misinformed. Bill Watterson has, instead, created a single multi-panel comic strip to promote the Angoulême International Comics Festival, which is happening in France at the end of January. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t very exciting.

The story of the 15-panel strip is pretty standard Mack Sennett material. What is most notable about it is what has always been notable about Watterson’s work: the extremes of the action and the subtlety of the characterizations. The main character goes from hope to shock to blind rage — and that is just in the first five panels. And it goes on from there, peaking in the penultimate panel with the character stark raving mad.

Bill Watterson 2014 15 panel

Of course, this isn’t the first thing that Watterson has done. Eight months ago, he did the poster for the documentary Stripped about the transition of comic strips from newspapers to the internet. Watterson gives one of his rare interviews in the film. It looks rather good:

As for the poster, well, it’s good, but more like Berke Breathed than something distinctly Watterson:

Stripped - Bill Watterson

I assume we will continue to see things trickle in from Watterson. He clearly loves doing it. And I certainly can’t blame him for not wanting to grind out a daily strip. Regardless, we will all take whatever we can get.

Coming in 2015!

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InjusticesTwo things are coming next year that I am very much looking forward to. One is very silly and the other is not. Let’s start with the one that is not, given that it is coming first.

Serious

While doing research for last labor day, I came upon an article by Ian Millhiser who works for the Center for American Progress. The article was, The True Story of How One Man Shut Down American Commerce to Avoid Paying His Workers a Fair Wage. And before it was a note, “The following is adapted from the author’s forthcoming book, Injustices: The Supreme Court’s Nearly Unbroken History of Comforting the Comfortable and Afflicting the Afflicted.” The article is great so I went looking for the book.

Unfortunately, the book is not coming out until 24 March 2015. But Amazon has a good summary of the book and it sounds like essential reading:

Few American institutions have inflicted greater suffering on ordinary people than the Supreme Court of the United States. In this powerful indictment of a venerated institution, constitutional law expert Ian Millhiser tells the history of the Supreme Court through the eyes of everyday people who have suffered the most as a result of its judgements. The justices built a nation where children toiled in coal mines and cotton mills, where Americans could be forced into camps because of their race, and where women were sterilized at the command of states. The Court was the midwife of Jim Crow, the right hand of union busters, and the dead hand of the Confederacy. Nor is the modern Court a vast improvement, with its incursions on voting rights, its willingness to place elections for sale, and its growing skepticism towards the democratic process generally.

What’s interesting about this is that for people my age, the court we knew growing up was liberal with Brown v Board of Education and Roe v Wade. But the truth is that the Supreme Court now is very much as it has traditionally been. It has not been conservative legislators but rather conservatives on the Court who have stood “athwart history yelling ‘Stop!'” Un-elected old men hold the destiny of democracy in their hands. I do not feel good about this.

SillyMinions

Also out next year is Minions. It is not any secret that I love Despicable Me and the sequel. I even wrote a semi-serious article about them, Thematic Uses of Minions in Despicable Me. So when I heard that there was going to be a movie that focused on the minions, well, I was really excited. Admittedly, there will be no Agnes. But still, it has Bob, who was frightened of the journey ahead. And Stuart, who is hungry. And Kevin, who still looks a bit too much like Burt for my taste. Still, it is bound to be a fun journey.

The only reason I bring it up is that I just happened upon the trailer for it. The film is set to be released on 10 July 2015. So that will give me time to finish Injustices. And at that point, I ought to need some cheering up.

Yes, I am easily charmed.

That Film About Money

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James SchamusI just found out about a film project, We the Economy. It is subtitled, “20 Short Films You Can’t Afford to Miss.” I learned about it indirectly via Tristero over at Digby’s Blog. The recommended films by James Schamus are very good. Sadly, that isn’t true for much of the other films.

I haven’t watched all of the series, but most of what I’ve watched has not impressed me in terms of substance. It’s not a surprise that the group got money to make its highly polished films. I would say they overall tilt decidedly rightward. What’s kind of sad is that in many cases, it isn’t clear that the artists making the films really understand. For example, the film on Debt and Deficits treats short term deficits as though there is a disagreement about them in a recession. That’s not true. There is only a disagreement about them when a Democrat is in the White House.

But of special concern is the Recessions episode. It is visually stunning, but is based upon John Steele Gordon’s ideas about recessions, which are largely that recessions are based upon supply shocks. He gives some minor lip service to the demand side of the equation, but that’s all. For example, he claims that recessions are all about bankers not loaning. Sometimes, certainly. What about right now? Oh, that’s right: we aren’t in a recession! It’s just that millions of people are out of work. I don’t know much of Gordon’s work, but he seems like one of these people — pretty much the standard in policy circles — who thinks all that matters is that the rich bankers are loaning to the rich corporations. What happens to the little people doesn’t matter.

On the other hand, there are some good films. Bob Balaban’s episode on Globalization is pretty good. It deals with the subject in about the only sensible way possible. Globalization isn’t going away. So we need to manage it so that it doesn’t cause so many problems and so much insecurity. It does manage to avoid saying something that is obvious: globalization may have created a lot of jobs overseas, but that didn’t cause the stagnation of wages here. Policy allowed all productivity growth for almost four decades to go just to the capitalists and not to workers.

By far, the best film is James Schamus’ episodes 6 and 7, which together constitute, “That Film About Money.” In one way, it isn’t really that informative on the issue of money — nothing more than you didn’t already learn from It’s a Wonderful Life. But it goes into the messed up way that the financial system is run — especially in the second episode. In fact, the second episode might make you very angry. And it includes some nice interviewed sections with Richard Wolff, who is both charming and brilliant, “If you understand that, you’ll understand why the banks have recovered, and nobody else has!”

This is my playlist combining the two films together. It is a total of 15 minutes long, so it is worth the time:

That sums up the last two decades, “I know what we’ll do: instead of paying you to buy what we produce, we’ll lend you the money!”

The problem with the series is that it is definitely made by and for the TED Talk crowd. It’s smart and well made. It takes pains to appear even handed, while tipping distinctly toward the viewpoint of the power elite. But inside that context, good things get done. And that was especially true of the film by James Schamus.

Kurdish Comedy Music Video About ISIS

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Kurdish ChildrenWe in America love the Kurds, even though the only thing we know about them is that they aren’t Muslims. Fun fact: the Kurds are actually Muslims. What’s more, they are predominantly Sunni, so I guess Saddam Hussein didn’t gas them because of their religion. In fact, that whole thing just makes no sense. We all know that all Muslims are exactly the same, agreeing on everything including that they hate the United States because of our freedom. (Joke’s on them! We’re getting rid of our freedom fast!) So okay, I guess we have to all agree that not all Muslims are the same. Or continue to believe that the Kurds are some kind of exotic Christians like the Ethiopian Catholics.

My reason for loving the Kurds is that they are a trusting people. When Bush the Elder (the “good” Bush), told them to rise up against Saddam Hussein, they did! And they were rewarded the way American allies are often rewarded: by us doing nothing as they were destroyed by Saddam Hussein’s forces. Fun fact: it does not appear that chemical weapons were used against the Kurds at that time, as was reported with certainty in the American press at that time. Hussein did use chemical weapons against the Kurds in the late 1980s, as was not reported in the American press at that time. And we certainly didn’t go to war over that because, hey, they had no oil and weren’t royalty.

But now we all have an especially good reason to love the Kurds. Last week on the Kurdish television station KurdSat, they aired a humorous music video lambasting ISIS. People are calling it a parody, but I don’t know what it is a parody of. I must admit to being woefully ignorant of Middle Eastern music. It seems to me just straight comedy — comedy of an extremely political and pointed nature.

It shows five men with long, comically fake, black beards as members of ISIS. They play their assault rifles like they were guitars (Saz?) and cellos. They swing swords around. And they generally act very silly with a skull and a zurna. It is a welcome bit of humor in the middle of the whole ISIS situation:

It does bring up one serious question. The Kurds are clearly not cowering; why are so many Americans? ISIS actually does represent an existential threat to the Kurds. They are going head to head with the group. Yet the Kurds do not partake in overstating the threat of ISIS. And here we see some of them openly mocking ISIS. Here in the United States — most especially among the chickenhawk Republicans — the group is presented like the second coming of the Third Reich.

Mostly, the video is just meant to tweak the noses of the ISIS leaders, who I can only assume are as full of themselves as any other military leaders. As Mediaite noted, “Beheadings are one way to taunt your geopolitical enemy. But a parody music video is a much lighter, cleverer way to get a point across, as some Kurdish people recently demonstrated.” But there is one line in the song that was wonderfully blunt, “Our pockets are full of Qatari money.” Yep.

The video is very charming. It also has an extremely catchy melody that is now going through my head. Basically, it is just three notes but it works really well. I suspect it is a classic tune, but as I said, I don’t know the music of that region very well. Regardless, it is a video that should make America fall in love with Kurds all over again. And it doesn’t even involve us watching them die. Maybe it will even make the conservatives come out from under their beds.

Well Crafted Comedy from Key & Peele

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Key & PeeleI watched a bit of Key & Peele over the weekend. I was vaguely aware of them, and knew that they were funny. But I wasn’t quite prepared for just how good they are. As you may know, I have a generally low opinion of American sketch comedy. Too much of it is dependent upon a single unusual character who acts bizarrely for a while before the sketch simply stops. Although I admire Julia Sweeney, the best example of this is “Pat.” Key & Peele does a good job of ending sketches — not always, but with for more regularity than I’m used to.

The first sketch I ever saw was “Substitute Teacher,” which is about a black teacher who has taught school for twenty years in the inner city. Today, he is teaching in an affluent, apparently all white class. As he’s taking roll, he uses unusual pronunciations for each name and believes that the students are playing games with him when they correct him. For example, he pronounces “Aaron” as “A-A-Ron.” I believe the joke here is primarily about the unusual names and pronunciations in the African American community.

The point of the sketch is not that the teacher is stupid — far from it. He uses the somewhat obscure word “churlish” and pronounces it perfectly. It is just a clash of cultures. But what most works is the ending. The teacher calls out the name, “Tim-oh-thee.” At this point, the only black student in the class sticks his head out from behind a row of white students and says, “Pree-sent.” To which the teacher is grateful, “Thank you!” Comedy is never more finely crafted than in this sketch:

But the sketch that got me going on this Key & Peele jag was “Text Message Confusion.” It is about two friends texting each other and mis-communicating more and more. The best part of this is where Key can’t believe how rude Peele seems to be and so texts, “You are fking priceless.” Peele takes this as a compliment and texts back, “You’re the one who’s fking priceless.” I love this because it shows just how hard it is to communicate intentions clearly in written form — especially in short bursts of text.

This reminds me of an old coworker I had who developed an approach to email. She said one must always assume the very best intentions of the sender. This is true because it is rarely the case that someone intends to be a jerk. And if they do intend to be a jerk, they will eventually make it completely clear. Of course, in this sketch, it shows how minor irritation can quickly lead to a violent confrontation. Again, in this sketch, we get a very nice denouement.

And finally, here is “Pizza Order.” It is remarkably sweet. In fact, Key’s monologue in the middle of it is almost heartbreaking. Of course, it is Peele’s character who is ultimately tragic and who is responsible for the comedy:

What’s interesting in all of these is that they are all about miscommunication. And in no instance does anyone intend to miscommunicate. Peele in “Pizza Order” is lying, of course — but just to hide his sad and lonely life. It is a distinctly higher level of comedy than one normally sees in the United States. I don’t think that these more academic observations explain its appeal to a wide audience. And Key & Peele has a fair share of silliness. But it does show there is nothing about finely crafted comedy that stops it from being popular.

Napoleon, Antosia, and All About Donkeys

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Napoleon and AntosiaLast night, Rachel Maddow did a segment on Napoleon and Antosia[1], two donkeys at the Poznan Zoo, in Poland. These donkeys have been a couple for a decade and have had six children during that time. The most recent was this year. But some people complained because it turns out — and this is shocking — in order for a jenny (female donkey) to have a foal, a jack (male donkey) must have sex with her. What’s more, donkey’s don’t even have the decency to us the missionary position.

Oh! My! God!

Can you imagine?! This was being seen by children — human children, specifically. So some people complained to local politician Lydia Dudziak who convinced the director of the zoo to separate these immoral donkeys who were, not to put too fine a point on it, acting like asses. Now let us consider this for a second. Zoos are not the nicest places for animals. This is probably the biggest reason why zoos have problems mating animals. The fact that Napoleon and Antosia manage to carry on their affair after ten years and six foals should be celebrated.

What’s more, if you are as old as I am, you will have noticed a change in nature documentaries. When I was a kid, predators never killed their prey in these things. The rabbit always got away from the fox. Now, watching a cheetah tear apart a beautiful gazelle is no big deal. Yet Napoleon humping Antosia from time to time is going to scar the kiddies? Really, if someone had told me at 5 years old that they were just playing, I would have believed them. I’m not a parent, and so I probably shouldn’t say this, but a lot of parents really need to get over themselves.

It all had a happy ending. After a week the zoo reversed it’s decision:

The zoo acknowledged making a mistake on Thursday and said the donkeys — Napoleon and Antosia — were back again in one pen. “It was never our intention for any animals to feel uncomfortable because of their natural behaviors,” the zoo said in a statement.

The interruption of the long-standing romance has turned into a national news story in Poland in the past days. Nearly 7,000 people signed a petition to have them reunited.

Two fan pages that appeared on Facebook devoted to their cause attracted nearly 10,000 likes — and photos of donkeys in the act.

Experts weighed in, saying that forcing the donkeys to live alone could affect their psychological wellbeing. Politicians were asked about it on the country’s leading news programs.

“Animals separated by sex into different cages? It’s complete idiocy,” said Stefan Niesiolowski, a legislator with the governing party, Civic Platform.

Even the spokesman for the conservative Law and Justice party, which Dudziak belongs to, would not come to her defense.

“It’s a level of absurdity — that has been crossed to such an extent that I don’t even want to read or know about this,” Adam Hofman said on Wednesday, on behalf of the party.

This is all great news, but it got me reading about donkeys last night. I found this great sentence on Wikipedia, “Although formal studies of their behavior and cognition are rather limited, donkeys appear to be quite intelligent, cautious, friendly, playful, and eager to learn.” That sounds very much like me. I’ve always known that donkeys get a bad rap because horses will basically do anything you tell them to and donkeys know better than to trust you. Yes, you can train horses to walk sideways. But I’m a lot smarter than a horse and if you try to teach me to walk sideways, I’m going to react very much like a donkey, although with more violence.

In my reading, I also learned about mules and hinnies. A mule is the offspring of a male donkey and female horse. A hinny is the offspring of a female donkey and a male horse. Because of the way that chromosomes interact (horses have 64, donkeys 62, and mules & hinnies have 63), it is a whole lot harder to create a hinny than a mule. But one thing I absolutely did not know is that hinnies and mules are not necessarily sterile. Well, all males are. But there are 60 documented cases of a female mule giving birth. Again, though, hinnies are much less fertile, with only one documented case of a female giving birth.

Regardless, I’m not sure how I feel about the breading of mules and hinnies. It strikes me a bit like something that Dr Josef Heiter would have done. I know: because of hybrid vigor, these mostly sterile animals are smarter and stronger than either horses or donkeys. Still, isn’t it kind of lonely, both in a personal and evolutionary way? Maybe I’m a hybridist, but I think it is best to let donkeys be with donkeys. (As for horses, they should stick together too — and as far away from me as possible, because horses are evil.) It is a very good thing that Napoleon and Antosia are back together!

[1] Antosia is the name of a town in Ukraine, but between the two world wars, it was in Poland.

Cheering Myself Up With Shel Silverstein

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Shel SilversteinLet me state right out that last year, I was in no condition to celebrate the birthday of William Faulkner. And on this, his 121st birthday (It is technically possible!), I am in even worse condition. As always, the usual: great writer, blah, blah, blah. I really do love his work. All those Southern Gothic writers are great. But he so depresses me. Was it really necessary?

On this day in 1930, the great writer Shel Silverstein was born. And I’m not even going to talk about him. I’m just going to present some of his work. I don’t do this for you, although I do hope that you will enjoy it. I do it just to cheer myself up. He is always good for that!

Let’s start with a satirical song written by Silverstein, “Cover of the Rolling Stone.” Just to be clear, the band, Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show, is made up of a bunch of spazzes who did a whole lot of work with Silverstein, who wrote their entire second album.

Next we will do a little poetry. Silverstein has often been thought of as a children’s writer, but he never saw it that way. I think we have a similar outlook on life that way. I think people talk down to kids far too much. Just the same, they assume adults aren’t just kids with younger kids. Here’s a poem that is very close to my heart:

Memorizin’ Mo

Mo memorized the dictionary
But just can’t seem to find a job
Or anyone who wants to marry
Someone who memorized the dictionary.

Another one that is sly and silly and yet mystically profound:

Something Missing

I remember I put on my socks,
I remember I put on my shoes.
I remember I put on my tie
That was printed
In beautiful purples and blues.
I remember I put on my coat,
To look perfectly grand at the dance,
Yet I feel there is something
I may have forgot—
What is it? What is it? …

And for our last poem, a little encouragement:

Listen to the Mustn’ts

Listen to the MUSTN’TS, child,
Listen to the DON’TS
Listen to the SHOULDN’TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON’TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me—
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.

The Giving Tree

And finally, we have an animated reading by Silverstein himself of his sentimental and beautiful book, The Giving Tree. “And the tree was happy.”

Happy birthday Shel Silverstein!

Colbert Highlights Two of My Obsessions

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Richard NixonLast night on The Colbert Report, there were two shocking bits. They both mean a great deal to me personally. And interestingly, they both involve the silly writing that I most enjoy doing. The first has to do with Richard Nixon. The second has to do with shocking news about Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Bohemian Grove

In the first bit, he did another segment of “Better Know a District” with California’s 2nd congressional district with Jared Huffman. It was probably the best one I’ve seen, and it included Huffman making a very good joke himself.The district includes the Bohemian Grove in Monte Rio, which is a men’s club that has been around forever. I grew up just a few miles from it and lived basically next door to it on one occasion. And there is so much folklore associated it, it shocks the mind. You would think people were doing satanic rituals inside. Mainly, it is just a place where very powerful men go to hang out.

In talking about how women are not allowed, Colbert said, “Sorry ladies, you missed your chance to see Richard Nixon play naked horseshoes.” This went along with the following image that is just too great. As you may know, I am obsessed with the Nixon White House, and I’ve written a number of puppet plays about it. Richard Nixon as a puppet is just the perfect character ever. But Nixon as a nudist is pretty close. That might make a good graphic novel, “Nudist Nixon!”

Naked Nixon Playing Horseshoes

Pabst Blue Ribbon

Pabst Blue RibbonIn the B-segment, Colbert reported that Pabst Blue Ribbon had been purchased by a Russian company. You could have knocked me down with asthmatic’s breath. To understand, we must go back over two decades when I wrote my first screenplay with Andrea. It was titled, “The Pabst Conspiracy.” It concerned a young documentary filmmaker, Skip, out to prove that Pabst Blue Ribbon was nothing more than generic beer. But little did Skip know that disgruntled ex-beer-taster for Pabst, Tonto Leftame was really behind it all. It was a revenge thing to get back at Pabst who he blamed for destroying his life. Throughout most of the screenplay, we think that Tonto is dead because he staged a fake death to make it look like Pabst had him killed to keep him quiet. (Oh, where is Oliver Stone when you need him?!) In the end, Tonto is discovered in an action packed chase through Wally’s Water World (where you get wet, but not in a fun way) in Scappoose (an actual place), mostly for the purpose of making a lot of bad puns.

But are you ready to be shocked? Tonto Leftame was a Russian immigrant.

So the Russians got the last laugh. The truth is, I always felt that we could have gotten Pabst to invest in the film. It was on the very cutting edge of the “Pabst is hip” movement. And the film was in many ways a two hour advertisement for the beer. But now that the Russians own it, the dream is dead. Because I’ll tell you something: I am not changing Tonto Leftame! In my mind, he was rather like Dr Strangelove in not being entirely in control of his actions. And he used to repeatedly crush empty beer cans on his forehead when he was stressed or frustrated. Although, in the context of the film, he was pretty normal.

Oh well. We’ll just have to add that to my long list of missed opportunities.

Afterword

For the record, the script was finished. It was just that I was never happy with it. (I’m like that.) We went through over 70 revisions before Andrea refused to work on it anymore. In fact, it is because of this that Andrea won’t much work with me on anything. She’ll edit. And she’ll punch things up. But that’s about it. I can’t blame her. But years later, she did come up with a brilliant idea to fix many of the plot problems. The biggest problem is that I’m very much a character writer. I’m good at coming up with characters. I don’t care that much about plot. And that maybe why I’ve given up writing screenplays. But if I can find a version of “The Pabst Conspiracy” I will definitely post it. If only to annoy the Russians!

Two Jokes and a Song for Scotland

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Scottish FlagIn Amadeus, Mozart tells Emperor Joseph, “I’m a vulgar man…” Well, I’m not a vulgar man. At least I don’t think I am. Instead, I am a silly man. I delight in pretty much the same things I delighted in at five. And although I flatter myself that I have a sophisticated sense of humor, most of my writing is much more silly than clever. In fact, last night on the Colbert Report, the segment on Prince Hawkcat made me gasp for air because it was so funny.

This is why I bring you what many probably consider silly jokes. And given that today the Scots are voting on independence, I thought I would offer up a Scottish joke or two. But before that, let me just go on record about this vote. I really wish the independence movement had worked out their currency issue. It is certainly the case that we now know that countries need their own currencies so they can weather the various financial crises that will be brought on by the dark forces of the Power Elite. But overall, I think they ought to go for it. And they should blame it on Margaret Thatcher. And embarrassing David Cameron is a big boost.

What’s more, Roy Edroso makes a great argument for being in favor of Scottish independence: the people who are against it are such wankers like David Frum. Of course, if I had to bet, I’d say that it will not pass. I heard that in the lead up to our own Revolutionary War, only about a third of the country was in favor of independence. So it is a tough sell. But we’ll know soon enough.

In the mean time, here is a very silly joke by keta, posted over on alicublog (lightly edited for language):

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

Into about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, “What the hell is that?”

The barman says, “It’s a moose.”

The Scottish chap says, “Bloody hell! How big are the cats?”

In response, commenter Spaghetti Lee offered another good joke:

So this American is vacationing in Scotland. He goes into the local pub and says “I hear you Scots know how to hold your liquor. Well, I’ve got a hundred American dollars for the first man who can do ten shots of whisky back to back.”

No one takes him up on his offer. One man even gets up and leaves. About ten minutes later, he returns and says “Is your bet still good?”

The American says yes. The bartender sets up the shot glasses and the Scot downs them all back to back. The whole bar cheers and the American sheepishly hands over the money. “If you don’t mind me asking, where’d you go for those ten minutes?”

The Scotsman says “Ach, I went to the pub down the street to make sure I could do it, first.”

Good luck, Scotland! If it becomes independent, I think Oi Polloi’s “Don’t Burn the Witch” should be its national anthem:

I love these guys!

Put to death in flames and smoke
You were used as a scapegoat
Troubles blamed upon the witch
When they should’ve really burned the rich.

Get down on your knees in their church
You refused and worshipped the earth
They tried to stamp out all you stood for
Wise woman power and herbal lore.

Inquisition in the middle ages
Phallocentric Christian outrages
There are those who’d bring back those days
Don’t let the right-wing Christian nutters have their way.

Don’t burn the witch!

Update (18 September 2014 11:03 pm)

It went as I expected. The Los Angeles Times has reported, Scottish Voters Reject Independence From Britain. But it was closer than anyone would have predicted a few months ago. The vote went down 45-55. With that much discontent, this is not over. I hope that that the UK makes accommodation for Scotland as they have promised. But now that the pressure is off, I suspect that nothing will be done.