Despite what I or the medical experts know or feel about the ADD-genetic connection, those who have ADD or have children with ADD, deal with our share of judgement. Once, while picking my son up after a sleepover, a friend who knew my son had a diagnosis of ADHD, said, “He’s fine. You just have to give him direct instructions.” This was a person who didn’t live with him every day to see how much difficulty he had in all the various situations and environments we experienced.

I knew from the very beginning (yes, from the very beginning) that there was something not typical about my son. He used to be very active in his crib, had difficulty sleeping, and dealt with mood swings. I once heard a psychologist speaking at a CHADD meeting say, “People will tell you, ‘Just give him to me for a week, and I’ll fix him.’ What they don’t realize is that their kids could probably be raised by wolves and be fine.” I know this is a complete exaggeration, but the idea stuck with me.

Many people will judge your parenting skills based on the fact that their children are inherently typical, mild-mannered, and have an easy time focusing on mundane things. There are also so-called experts who don’t know what they are talking about. Dr. Marilyn Wedge, misguidedly, wrote a blog for Psychology Today, supposedly answering why French kids don’t have ADHD. It basically blames the parents. Thankfully, Dr. Stephanie Sarkis wrote French Kids Do Have ADHD: An Interview, as a response, which shredded many of Dr. Wedge’s ideas.

In answer to all the judgers, I believe there is a strong genetic influence in having the ADD brain type. It is only partly that the medical experts say there is that I believe this. The biggest reason I feel there is strong genetic predisposition to having ADD is that I married into a family that has its own time-zone. They call it Wilson (fake name) Standard Time, or WST, for short. Whenever my nuclear family visits them during one of the various holidays and make plans for a family activity or excursion, it takes so much longer for everyone to get ready than (I feel) is necessary. They get side-tracked and look for lost things.

Though it can be frustrating at the time, contemplating it in hindsight, I find it quite endearing. There are several absent-minded, distracted adults wandering around, trying to get themselves and their children ready, while still being kind, friendly, and brilliant. Additionally, both my husband and my one brother-in-law took stimulant medication when they were children, and this was in the early 70s when such drugs were not so common.

I would say I’m not innocent. I’m sure there is something coming from my side of the familly, too. I believe my father has undiagnosed ADHD, my brother has some auditory processing difficulties, and I don’t have the most optimal executive functioning skills when it comes to household organization. It is difficult for me to prioritize tasks. What we end with is a somewhat cluttered, but liveable, home.

This all being said, I don’t disregard that my son needs to live in society. He needs to be guided in the right direction. Teaching him life and social skills are at the top of my list of priorities. Things that work for typical children do not always work for my son, or it takes much longer to work. It is why I’m happy to be writing this blog. It helps me process and evaluate my plans and practices in a more visual way. It assists me on this journey of helping my son as he gets older, and great strides have been made. His behavior and his focus, though not what you’d expect from a typical 10 year old, have improved dramatically over the last few years, and I am heartened by this.

(image courtesy of Michal Marcol at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

When my son was not quite two, a friend told me it can take up to 27 times of trying a particular food before you like it. This might be daunting to people who think they have to feed full portions of “yucky” spinach to their picky four-year-olds 27 times. When I heard this amazing fact, however, it was heartening to me. I thought, “You mean I can train my child to like healthy foods?” Instead of trying to feed full portions of a new food to my son, I would just have him take a tiny bite of it. That is all I required. Over time, some of these foods he would eat a little more until he eventually ate full portions of the stuff.

Fortunately, it has not taken 27 times of eating most foods for my son to like them. Though I haven’t yet gotten him to like sweet potatoes, Brussels sprouts, beets, and acorn squash, there are lots of other foods he does like. He happily eats broccoli, Greek olives, various greens, including spinach, carrots, sweet peppers, and fish.

So what about the healthy things my son won’t eat? Possibly the reason he doesn’t yet like some of them is because he hasn’t tried them the full 27 times. I’m going to continue having him try just one little bite each time I prepare the food. As with everything, it is a process. I will not give up, and I encourage you to not give up either. Be heartened by the fact that it didn’t take nearly 27 times of trying for my son to like most of the foods he eats. I would love to hear how it goes with you, and I will keep you posted about the Brussels sprouts.

(Image courtesy of Toa55 and FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Whenever my son has a meltdown or a tough time with a lesson, I tell myself, “Keep your eyes on the prize.” When he was a newborn, I didn’t expect him to walk or talk. When he was a toddler, I didn’t expect him to read. Now that he is 10, though he can walk and talk and read, I don’t expect him to have the abilities a 15 year old would. Definitely I would not expect him to have the maturity and communication skills of an adult. All learning is a process, and because my son has that unique ADHD brain, some things will take even longer to learn.

At the moment, I am focusing on teaching my son what I feel are some of the most important qualities. These are empathy and kindness. Things which can be difficult at times. I keep reading and hearing that I have to model good behavior so my child will understand how to behave, but I don’t always do this. Sometimes I lose my temper. Often it’s me yelling at other drivers who do (what I think are) crazy things. Sometimes it is me yelling at my son out of frustration. Intellectually, I know this doesn’t do anyone any good.

So what do I do? Well, I’ve certainly done plenty of beating myself up verbally (and not out loud, so you know). But just like with yelling at my son, being angry with myself doesn’t do any good except to feed the guilt monster. I know I’ve been trained to react in certain ways, and not in good ways. What I’ve been slowly attempting to do is some very difficult deprogramming. Before I explode with angry emotion, here are some of the things I try to do:

*Self talk, like “I know he can’t help having a difficult time focusing on this boring lesson,” and such

*Count to 10

*Have a glass of water

*Give myself a time out in my room

*Deep breathing–Breath in to a count of 7, and breath out to a count of 11 while in a comfortable position with my eyes closed. I do this several times until my breathing becomes less shaky, more fluid.

My outbursts have slowly become fewer and farther between as I’ve worked on dealing with frustration. It’s not easy, but I am learning. And when all my good intentions break down and I do have an outburst, I provide a heartfelt apology. I’m very good at saying I’m sorry. I also try to figure out ways of avoiding such situations in the future, often including my son in the conversation once everyone has calmed down.  Conflict is a two-way street, after all.

This is going to be short, but I just wanted to emphasize how valuable support groups and classes related to ADHD can be.  They certainly have been for my family and me. My fellow blogger, Erika, and I met at a Parent to Parent class through CHADD, and we continue to support each other.  Our sons now attend a wonderful social skills group together. For more information, click on the following:

*CHADD

*Meet-up.com

*Yahoo Groups

Many of the Yahoo groups are web-based, only, but they can be very helpful, nonetheless. In ways, they are better, because you can remain anonymous.  If you want a local group for social interaction and can’t find one, I highly recommend starting your own. You can find out how by clicking here or here.

The term, ADHD, is unhelpful and inaccurate.  It stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  I don’t believe my son has a disorder, and his attention may or may not be a deficit.  That is completely dependent on the situation.  This morning we had a tough time with math which included teary eyes (his) and frustration (both his and mine).  But right now he is upstairs working on his iPad Mini, creating an animation project that he’s been glued to for almost an hour.  Who’s to say he has an attention deficit?  There’s a funny bit Steven Wright does talking about his nephew with ADD.  It’s very short, well under a minute and worth watching.

Wright is right!  People with ADD/ADHD have an amazing ability to focus when they are doing something they enjoy.  The term for this is hyperfocus.  This quality can be beneficial when someone is doing something creative.  In some ways it can be detrimental to an individual’s relationships and health.  People might spend too much time doing one thing they enjoy while neglecting their spouses, their children, and their work.

What I’ve started doing with my son, so he can learn to regulate his activities during free time, is to set a timer.  If there are no meals, jobs, or errands in the immediate timeline, I have him set the timer for an hour.  After that he needs to take a 10-15 minute break and do something completely different.  To be honest, when I first began having him do this there was a bit of opposition, but now my son is used to it.  Though it’s still not a perfect system, it really has gotten better with practice.  Taking regular breaks is good for everyone.  I like to think (or at least hope), if it’s managed well, hyperfocus can really be a gift and allow those with ADD to create amazing things without harming their health or their relationships.

The truth is, we don’t all learn in the same way.  We have our own, unique learning styles.  The three most basic categories of these are auditory, visual, and tactile/kinesthetic.  Some children might learn better while listening to the teacher, or maybe looking at illustrations and graphs.  Others might learn better doing hands-on activities.

Like my son, many kids with ADHD do better when they can touch and move while they are learning.  As a homeschool mom, I have researched educational methods that complement my son’s individual learning style, which is primarily a combination of visual and tactile/kinesthetic.  Since I am relatively new to homeschooling, I have so much more to learn.  The amount of resources available is actually overwhelming.

For now I will just give some input on math.  This past year, we’ve been working with the RightStart Mathematics program.  The really great things about it are all the manipulatives and games that are included, so my son can touch, see, and do.  Also, the instruction seems more interactive and conceptual than many math programs I have come across, and the lessons have been easy for me to teach.  I won’t say it’s perfect.  My son still has difficulty focusing sometimes, which leads to some frustration and conflict.  This conflict is largely avoided, however, by taking more frequent breaks and limiting the length of the sessions.  Overall, I definitely recommend the Right Start program.

The following are recommendations by other homeschool parents for kids who are more visual and tactile:

*Math-U-See
*Touch Math
*Teaching Textbooks

All of these programs have really great websites which allow you to make an informed decision.  I’m strongly thinking about Teaching Textbooks for next year, just to see how it is.  It is interactive and mostly computer-based using CD-ROMs.  My son is such a techno kid that he might really like it.

For more information about learning styles, I recommend the following books:

Discover Your Child’s Learning Style by Mariaemma Willis and Victoria Kindle Hodson

and

Multiple Intelligences:  New Horizons in Theory and Practice by Howard E. Gardner