Author Archives: Frank Moraes

About Frank Moraes

Frank Moraes is a freelance writer and editor online and in print. He is educated as a scientist with a PhD in Atmospheric Physics. He has worked in climate science, remote sensing, throughout the computer industry, and as a college physics instructor. Find out more at About Frank Moraes.

Anniversary Post: Halley’s Comet’s Very Close Approach

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Halley's CometOn this day in 837, Halley’s Comet came the closest to the Earth in the entirety of human history. It came within almost three million miles (0.03 AU), which, by astronomical standards, is nothing. It is estimated that its tail spanned 60° across the sky. To see it today would be awe inspiring. To most of the people at that time, it was probably terrifying.

I’ve written before about going out to the beach in the early morning in 1986 to see it. The comet was at a distance of 0.42 AU and nothing but a smudge on the sky. It was the worst observational opportunity for at least 2,000 years. I remember seeing Carl Sagan speak on his book tour for Comet and he said that if anyone was alive in 2061, it would be a much greater show. And in 2134, it would be spectacular.

What did he mean? In 2061, we will at least be on the same side of the sun when Halley’s comet reaches perihelion. Unfortunately, I can’t find any data on just how close we will come. But in 2134, we will come within 0.09 AU. That should be quite a show. Of course, as time goes on, the comet gets smaller and smaller, so if we really want to dream, we should imagine being around in 837.

It’s these kinds of things that make me regret our short lifetimes. Usually, the changes of the human body, the degradation of the mind, make me welcome death — at least eventually. Not that one can reasonably complain. I mean, did we not just get to see the unmasking of Pluto in real time? And I still thrill to see the occasional shooting star. Every time has its advantages. And I’ve lived during the most exciting time in the history of astronomy.

Heil Honey I’m Home!

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Heil Honey I'm Home!On Thursday, the anniversary post was, Attila the Hun and Monty Python’s Worst Sketch. I was complaining about an awful little skit called, “The Attila the Hun Show,” which is a parody of 1950s sitcoms. And it is terrible. Jurgan then commented, “Kind of reminds me of Heil Honey I’m Home!” I had never heard of it, but luckily, the first episode is on YouTube.

Jurgan was right. Heil Honey I’m Home! is exactly what Monty Python was going for. But instead of it going on for just about the most painful minute of television ever, this show goes on for 25 glorious minutes. But before we get to it, let me explain the premise. Hitler and Eva Braun live in Berlin in 1938. Their next door neighbors are Arny and Rosa Goldenstein, a Jewish couple. Basically, it’s I Love Lucy, but with a war criminal.

Eight episodes of the show were made. Only the first was shown. This is not surprising. According to Wikipedia, historian Marian Calabro called it “perhaps the world’s most tasteless situation comedy.” It’s not surprising. There were a lot of people in the 1960s who thought that Hogan’s Heroes was tasteless. Heil Honey I’m Home! is on a whole other level.

Just the same, unlike “The Attila the Hun Show,” Heil Honey I’m Home! is actually fairly funny. The joke isn’t that Hitler is funny but rather that the shows of these types trivialized the complexity and danger of the real world. And although it is going for a 1950s feel, there isn’t much that changed about sitcoms from then and when the show aired in 1990. For example, The Cosby Show ran from 1984 through 1992. Everything always worked out fine by the end of each episode, even if Bill Cosby himself was drugging and raping women at night.

The first episode revolves around a visit from Neville Chamberlain. Hitler says if Eva isn’t nice to him, he won’t tell her why Chamberlain is coming to dinner. Eva replies, “You don’t have to tell me why! I know why: it’s Czechoslovakia; you finally did it!” Everything gets completely out of hand with Chamberlain, Eva, and Arny doing a conga line as Hitler hides the Munich Agreement — referred to as “Peace in Our Time” because they think Americans wouldn’t know the difference between an agreement and a speech. But Hitler signs it just to save face and the episode ends with Eva and Adolph calling themselves their nicknames and kissing.

On one hand, it is surprising that British Satellite Broadcasting thought the show was worth investing in eight episodes worth of this. On the other, who knows what’s going to work? And it does work. There is something strangely not offensive about the show. I suspect that people were offended by it because they felt like they ought to be offended. What I wonder about is where the show went from here. I suspect nowhere — that it just continued to be a simple parody of the anemic sitcom. And because of that, I’m not disappointed that I will likely never get to see the other seven episodes.

Show title card by Stream Screencap, licensed under Fair Use, via Wikipedia.

Morning Music: Cross Road Blues

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Robert Johnson: The Complete RecordingsThe final song that I used in my videos was Robert Johnson’s “Cross Road Blues.” There are two versions of it. This is the slower version and strikes me as more haunting, although the two versions are similar. The song tells the story of the singer going down to the crossroads and trying to catch a ride. But no one stops, “Didn’t nobody seem to know me.” And he’s praying to God that he gets a ride before nightfall.

It seems like a spiritual: when humans let you down, you can always turn to God. But the thing about such songs is that they never have a happy ending. Indeed, they have no ending at all. This is because they are all about faith. God will reward the faithful. I don’t much see it myself. To me, we live in a world of callousness and loneliness with nothing but our own thoughts to keep us company.

When I think seriously about the human condition, I’m very disturbed. We are, in our consciousness, completely cut off from other people. We are, in fact, totally alone. But we are so used to the idea that there are others around to interact with that the clear view of reality it terrifying. We are all down at the crossroads trying to flag a ride. But it isn’t that they don’t know us; they don’t even know we exist because they are all so lost in their own lonely delusions.

As for the music on “Cross Road Blues,” well, it’s amazing. I’m still struck with just how modern it sounds. It probably helps that just about every rock musician has recorded the song. But there’s something more than that. There’s a reason that Robert Johnson stands out compared to other musicians of that period in the Mississippi delta. It’s hard to believe it’s just one man and a guitar performing.

Image of cover of Robert Johnson: The Complete Recordings taken from Amazon. Licensed under Fair Use.

Anniversary Post: Journey of Reconciliation

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Journey of ReconciliationOn this day in 1947, the Journey of Reconciliation started. Eight black and eight white men who road interstate buses into segregated states. These would later be called “freedom rides.” A year earlier, in Irene Morgan v Commonwealth of Virginia, the Supreme Court (in the 6-1 decision), found that segregated interstate buses were an “undue burden on commerce.” But the southern states refused to follow the law, and these sixteen men were protesting to get the states to follow the federal law.

This is one of the many funny things about libertarians. They have this idea that if you just leave people alone, everyone will get along just fine. Well, the federal courts can determine one thing, but if the local governments don’t follow along, nothing happens. It is just might makes right, which is why African Americans were stopped from voting for such a long time. But if only there were no government, then the mighty would respect the rights of the weak, right?

Anyway, the men were abused and arrested various places. In particular, some of the men were arrested in North Carolina. At sentencing, the good Christian Judge Henry Whitfield told the defendants, “It’s about time you Jews from New York learned that you can’t come down here bringing your niggers with you to upset the customs of the South. Just to teach you a lesson, I gave your black boys thirty days, and I give you ninety.” I can’t find out anything about this judge, but you can depend upon the fact that he had a good life and never had to rethink his bigotry.

Anyway, 69 years ago, the Journey of Reconciliation started. It lasted for two weeks. The struggle for freedom is a slow and difficult one.

Image taken from The Freedom Rides: From Project to Mass Movement, licensed under Fair Use.

On Over-Thinking Bob’s Burgers

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Bob's BurgersI had to go to the hospital this morning. The doctor didn’t tell me why, so I figure it is just that she is a vampire. Either that or it is standard when you get a check-up. I prefer to think she’s a vampire. Regardless, afterwards, I was waiting for my ride so I called up Andrea. Now Andrea can be the most charming person in the world. But she fell into a bit of a depression about three years ago and so our conversations mostly involve my bringing up random things to see if I can get her interested in anything. One of those today was Bob’s Burgers.

Normally, I don’t bring up Bob’s Burgers because I’ve used the show a lot. Speaking of which, here’s a great bit. After Louise said, “Why is the front door open?” And Gene responds, “Maybe God closed a window?” Now come on folks, that’s great comedy. But maybe I just like it because I hate that platitude. My thought has always been that when God closes a door, he usually collapses the roof on you as well. But I wasn’t thinking about that. I was, as I often do, speculating about the future lives of the kids.

And Andrea said, “You’re way over-thinking this show.” And I thought that was a distinctly unkind thing to say. To begin with, she is the person who introduced me to the show. But more important, I over-think everything. That is who I am and she should know it better than just about anyone. If I didn’t over-think things, I wouldn’t be Frank. And over-thinking trivial things is what I’m especially good at. Did I not write, The Evolution of the Pets.com Sock Puppet? And, The Shocking True Story of Twin Chickens? And, Bugs Bunny: Rabbit or Hare? Yes, yes, and yes!

But my fascination with Bob’s Burgers is not just that it is a hilarious show. Much more important is the fact that Bob’s Burgers is the story of my childhood. My parents always had some little business that was barely getting by. When I was older, we had had a deli, and I remember that at the end of each month, it was this big production to get the money for the rent — just like in the show. And notice that it is a dysfunctional family, but not a hateful one. If I were going to fictionalize my childhood, it would be something like Bob’s Burgers.

So I think that it is about the most accurate depiction of an American family that has ever been on television. The only thing I can think of that even comes close is Roseanne. But this is from my perspective. I come from people who might be described as white trash with big dreams. But both of my parents were the black sheep of their families and so it shouldn’t come as any surprise that the world ended up with me. It’s probably a good thing that I never had kids. If I had had a son, he probably would have been someone like the Unibomber, but with puppets or confetti or something.

Regardless, many people may be able to over-think Bob’s Burgers, but I can’t. And yesterday, when Bob made peace with his father, I cried like a baby — even as I laughed, because Bob is awkward in much the same way I am. Oh, the humanity!

Update: I’m Not Sick

Thank you for all the kind wishes, but I’m not sick. I just haven’t been to the doctor in about 8 years, and thanks to Obamacare, I have a doctor. So I got a check-up and she sent me to get a little blood drawn. And how she has me on Kelp. I feel like a sea otter.

Actually, as a result of going to the doctor, I caught a minor cold. Next time: mask and gloves!

Image of the Belcher family licensed under Fair Use.

Morning Music: Six Pack by Black Flag

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Black Flag - Six PackProbably the most bizarre choice for my video music is Black Flag’s song “Six Pack.” They are (I guess they are back together) quite an interesting band. It was really the Greg Ginn show. He’s a genius. Everyone today thinks of it as Henry Rollins’ band. But they went through many singers before Rollins. And certainly Rollins always saw it was Ginn’s band. And in those early heady days before their first album, they released a few EPs, including Six Pack.

I had never heard it, but I was over at The Last Record Store, going through their $5 or 3 for $10 bin and found this micro-CD with a total of three songs and five and half minutes of music — closer to a single, to be honest. But I was glad I bought it; it packs a punch.

The lead vocalist on Six Pack is Dez Cadena — later a wondering singer and guitarist, most notably with Misfits during the Bush years. He is apparently the third singer that Black Flag had. Henry Rollins took over from him, but Cadena didn’t leave the band; he just switched to rhythm guitar on what is almost certainly their greatest album, Damaged. There is, interestingly, another version of “Six Pack” with Rollins doing lead vocals on that album. It’s similar, but I actually prefer this Cadena cut — not because of the vocals but the purity of the performance.

The subject matter is classic. It’s kind of the punk version of the Merle Haggard (RIP) classic, “I Think I’ll Just Stay Here and Drink.” It’s just a guy ranting about how he doesn’t need his ex-girlfriend because he has a six-pack and $35 dollars to his name. I can’t help but think that Greg Ginn was writing from experience.

The following video has the entire EP. “Six Pack” is first, followed by “I’ve Heard It Before” and “American Waste.”

EP cover licensed under Fair use, via Wikipedia.

Anniversary Post: Siege of Leningrad

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Siege of LeningradAccording to Wikipedia, on this day in 1942, the Soviet forces managed to open up a “much-needed railway link” during the Siege of Leningrad. That’s important stuff that not much attention is paid to by normal people: supply chains. To military people, well, it’s one of the biggest things they think about. And I have to admit to being in awe of the organizational capabilities of the US military. But then, I love systems; so it is a lot easier for me to get excited about how you manage to feed a couple hundred thousand troops than military tactics.

I was in a conversation with one of “my writers” who lives in Bosnia about World War II. He is really well informed about it. In fact, he pushed back a bit against the theory, Stalin, Not the Bomb, Defeated Japan. We were actually talking about Erwin Rommel and the plot to kill Hitler. He mentioned something that I had never thought about: that the war might have gone on longer if the military had been able to take control of Germany.

I had always assumed that if they had, the military government would have sued for peace. But it’s possible that the Allies would not have accepted anything but complete surrender, given that FDR had said just that. Rommel and company were proud men and probably wouldn’t have accepted that. I think it is more likely that FDR was just being rhetorical — at least as regards a non-Hitler Germany. But one can never say in alternative history, which is why it is so much fun.

But the reason that I’m bringing this all up is that I’ve always thought that if Hitler had not broken his pact with Stalin, World War II would have ended rather differently. Certainly I don’t know. I’m not that much up on this history (and it isn’t a period I’m that interested in, anyway). But if all those wasted resources on the eastern front had been put to the west, could the Nazis have been stopped? I wonder.

Siege of Leningrad photo cropped from RIA Novosti archive, image #324 / Boris Kudoyarov. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikipedia.

Bernie or Bust?!

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Bernie or Bust?!As you all can no doubt tell, I’m just not as plugged into politics as I used to be. I still follow big things. I’ve been reading a lot about the Panama Papers and I want to write about it. But things on the edge get past me. And one of those things that has gotten past me is the Bernie or Bust movement. It’s not that I didn’t know it existed. It’s that I didn’t know that people were actually serious about it. I’m shocked to find that they are.

As you all know, I’m a big Bernie Sanders supporter. I’ve not only been very vocal about that, but he’s the first presidential candidate that I’ve given money to since 1988. That’s right kiddos: almost 30 years! But there is no question that if Hillary Clinton is the nominee, that I will vote for her in the general election. Of course, I actually think far more highly of Clinton than a lot of Bernie Sanders supporters. So let’s make it really clear. Let’s take someone I absolute despise: Andrew Cuomo. It’s not just his policies, which are pretty bad on economic issues (though not always); it’s that I hate him in a visceral way. But despite what I’ve said in the past, if the choice were him and Trump, Cruz, or any of the Republicans, I would hold my nose and vote for Cuomo.

My question for the Bernie or Bust people is, “What do you think you will be accomplishing?” But I think I already know. I think they look at the Republican Party and think, “The hard right conservatives did the same thing to the Republicans and they won!” The problem with that idea is that it is totally wrong. The hard right didn’t take over the Republican Party by not voting for Nixon and Ford. They took over the party election by election at from the very lowest levels of the party. Not voting or voting for some third party candidate in the presidential race is not going to send any kind of message to the Democratic Party.

And what — Just what?! — do the Bernie or Bust people think this election was all about? To me, they sound like the silly Carey Wedler who thought that all we had to do is elect the right president and then all our dreams would come true. We aren’t living in a Disney animated feature. This isn’t about Bernie Sanders, even as much as I admire him. This is about a movement in the Democratic Party. And it is that movement that matters.

Polling indicates that Sanders is the preferred choice of about 40% of the Democratic Party. What that represents is the liberal wing of the Democratic Party. And that means we have more than enough power to take over the party. For one thing, a lot of people won’t vote for Sanders for a lot of non-ideological reasons (eg, the “S” word, the chance to elect the first woman president). The question is whether that movement will do something, rather than act like Carey Wedler, who groused for a couple of years and then burned her Obama t-shirt.

There are a lot of things you can do. Here are a few:

  • Get involved with your local Democratic Party (follow the links);
  • Find a local candidate and volunteer;
  • Start a group (it could even be a new chapter of Drinking Liberally);
  • Run for a local office.

I suppose I don’t really care if the Bernie or Bust people sit out this election. I think it is a mistake, but it’s their choice. But I suspect sitting out this election goes along with sitting out the next four years and complaining. We have already reached peak “burning political t-shirt” videos. If people are going to make a stand then they should really make a stand. Otherwise, they shouldn’t lazily help the Republicans replace Justice Scalia with an even worse person.

Morning Music: Last Kind Words

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Dream Shadows - Last Kind WordsToday is a little sad, because the sound quality is so bad. But what are you going to do? The song is “Last Kind Words” — the Geeshie Wiley classic. I’ve featured the song before, performed by Christine Pizzuti. She’s one of these people that always make me impressed with humanity — someone producing great art in a bedroom and sending it out to the world for free.

But today’s version is by Eric & Suzy Thompson. They are kind of legends in the roots music and bluegrass community. They’ve played with everyone but almost no one knows who they are. But I’ve seen them live once, and I own their album Dream Shadows. It has their version of “Last Kind Words.” In fact, I’m pretty certain that it was Suzy Thompson who introduced me to Geeshie Wiley in the first place. But I’ve used about 5 seconds of the introduction to the song to fade out my videos. See, for example, Luigi Galvani’s Experiment Done by Mr. Rzykruski in Frankenweenie.

Despite the poor sound quality, this performance is the same as the studio version. They are just that good. That’s something I think that everyone learns as they gain expertise in something — be it music or woodworking or writing: your greatest work early on is much inferior to your worst work later on. It isn’t a question of inspiration. When you get really good at something, the inspiration is built into your performance from years of hard work. (This is not to say that you can’t also be a total hack.)

Anyway, here is the song. It’s a beautiful version of it.

Image taken from Amazon most likely and licensed under Fair Use.

Attila the Hun and Monty Python’s Worst Sketch

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Attila the HunOn this day in 451, Attila the Hun sacked the town of Metz. This was part of an attack on the Western Roman Empire. Some day, I must set down and really get straight on all this history. But the truth is that I’m bad at it. This is why I’ve always liked math: you don’t have to remember anything. Generally, Attila the Hun is depicted today as a barbarian. But you know the definition of a barbarian: “not a Roman.” So that doesn’t actually mean that much. Regardless, I just don’t have the time to read up on the man for an anniversary post. I want to talk about something much closer to my heart: the worst Monty Python’s Flying Circus sketch ever.

That sketch was, of course, “The Attila The Hun Show.” It has all the signs of being a Terry Jones and Michael Palin kind of thing. But then it quickly becomes nothing but a straight parody of old 1950s family situation comedies. The only humor in it is that there is no humor in it. It is a bunch of tired jokes that are supposed to be funny because old situation comedies weren’t funny. For example, Attila the Hun gives his children a severed human head as a present, saying, “I want you kids to get ahead.” It is filled with canned laughter that makes it all the more annoying.

In addition to this, we have Eric Idle doing a black-face servant — “Uncle Tom” — that is offensive even coming from England. I blame John Cleese for the whole thing, but they all to blame. Thankfully, it doesn’t last long and they quickly transition into what strikes me as a very Terry Jones kind of sketch where a bunch of perverts in trench-coats watch as Graham Chapman plays a doctor examining Carol Cleveland. Any sketch where “The Stripper” is played was probably written by Jones. And this transitions to Jones himself doing a striptease, something he seems to have rather enjoyed.

Eventually, the whole thing gets to the high point of the episode, which is the documentary about Village Idiots — which still makes me laugh. And it is blistering social satire, especially once it moves to the “city idiots,” where one says, “Father was Home Secretary, and mother won the derby.” And then it goes into this great bit on Masonic conspiracies. It is, in other words, a great episode. But I rarely watch it because I can’t get past “The Attila the Hun Show” and, “I want you kids to get ahead”!

The Computer Programme

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The Computer ProgrammeOne of the best things about my day job is that I come upon a lot of old computer lore — things like INTERCAL. And the other day, a request came in for a resource page on BBC BASIC. I’d never heard of it, and I figured that the “BBC” must be a coincidence. But no. It indeed stands for the British Broadcasting Corporation. It was a programming language developed especially for a television series on BBC2 called, The Computer Programme.

The BBC is a public institution and so it actually believes in educating the public as well as entertaining it. And back in 1979, someone at the broadcaster decided that they really ought to inform their viewers about this brave new world of computers. But they wanted to do it in a very hands-on way. The problem at that time was that there were a zillion computers. There were things like the Sinclair ZX80, which are hard to imagine as computers at all. But regardless of that, they were all different, and what the BBC needed for The Computer Programme was consistency.

So they had a computer built, the BBC Micro — built on an 8-bit 6502 chip, which was hugely popular until the 8086 family became dominant. It was created by Acorn Computers. (Acorn was later purchased by Broadcom, which was bought just last year by Avago Technologies to form Broadcom Limited. It’s the nature of the computer business.) It sold at the time for £235 (about a thousand dollars today.) The new machine needed an interface, and as old-timers like me remember, that almost always meant some form of Basic. So they had a very young Sophie Wilson lead the project to create BBC BASIC.

The Computer Programme Begins!

This was all put together, and on 11 January 1982, the first episode of The Computer Programme appeared. And as you will see if you watch the first episode embedded below, it’s really good. It starts off with a discussion of Stonehenge as an early computer that eventually had to be abandoned because it was so difficult to reprogram to accommodate changing astronomical variables (eg, precession). And then they move onto computer punch cards and how they relate to silicon chips. And before you know it, they are playing a break-out pong game on the BBC Micro.

What I most like about this episode is a short reported segment about a woman who owns a candy store. She had earlier bought a computer and started doing all her accounting and inventory on it. She says that it saves her hours of work every day. But the main thing is that you can see she loves computers. I remember feeling the same way. I bought my first computer to do music on, but almost immediately, I was creating programs to calculate the value of pi and the number of atoms in the universe. It’s very addictive.

It turns out that the candy store woman has branched out and is now doing computer work for other businesses. The reporter asks her if she hopes that the computer business takes off, and the woman is very keen on this. She explains that because of some change in the traffic flow of the area, the shop has not been doing too well. Given that the woman seems like she’s about 50 years old, she comes off as heroic.

By 1982, personal computers weren’t that new a thing. But it was still a heady time with all kinds of different machines. It’s fascinating to look back on it all. Today it isn’t computers that are interesting but the network itself. In those days, you were on a computer. Today, virtually everything I do is online. The computer is just a portal — more like a television than computational machine.

The Computer Programme logo by screen capture, licensed under Fair Use, via Wikipedia.

Morning Music: Ladies and Gentlemen

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Love Songs for Patriots - Ladies and GentlemenOn at least one of my videos, I used the first three words from the American Music Club song “Ladies and Gentlemen.” It’s off the album Love Songs for Patriots, which is perhaps the least known album in the band’s canon. That’s because the band broke up in 1994, after the commercial failure of San Franisco — an album I’m quite fond of but was generally seen as a disappointment. And they did nothing for almost a decade, and then got back together for this new album. What is so remarkable about it is that nothing had really changed.

I have a theory about success in pop music: it has to come early. If American Music Club was going to hit, it was going to be with “Firefly” off California. The problem is that while the writing only gets better, it also gets more adult. Now Mark Eitzel was never writing bubble gum, but at least “Firefly” had a a youthful yearning that appeals to kids, “You’re so pretty baby; you’re the prettiest thing I know; you’re so pretty baby; where did you go?” Of course, Eitzel was already pushing 30 when he wrote that; he was in his mid-40s by the time of “Ladies and Gentlemen.”

The music is typical of American Music Club: a deeply layered punk that feels like it is only in the assured hands of this band that it doesn’t explode. The lyrics are a call for all of us (ladies and gentlemen) to be ourselves. Given that Eitzel is gay and he lived in San Francisco in the 1980s and 1990s, it is easy enough to see the song in that context. But I don’t think it needs any context, “If you can’t live with the truth, go ahead, try and live with a lie.” To me, that’s the story of life — the story of growing up.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time…

Album cover image licensed under Wikipedia.