I’ve waited until late on St. Patrick’s Day to ruin it for you. I know: you don’t give a shit about the holiday except that it is an opportunity to get drunk and remember that, “Wow! The Pogues are a really good band!” But here’s the thing: we know next to nothing about St. Patrick. In fact, 17 March isn’t even his birthday, because we don’t know when he was born. So we celebrate it on the day he died, which always reminds me of A Christmas Carol when everyone is so happy about his death. I don’t think that is what was going on with St. Patrick, but still.

Also note: they may know the day the good bishop died, but they don’t know what year. Today, scholars think it was 460. But it might have been 457 or 461 or 420 or 492. That last date would have made him 105 years old when he died.

If you know anything about St. Patrick, it is that he chased all the snakes out of Ireland. This must be a myth, because there were never any snakes in Ireland. At least, that’s what we think based upon science. But if you’re the type to revere long dead saints, maybe that won’t matter to you. As for me, I think it is very cool that Ireland has no naturally occurring snakes. I don’t like snakes.

I do, however, like beer. May I recommend Lagunitas Brewing Company’s exceptional A Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’ Ale. It is hard to find a better beer. I’m sure St. Patrick would have approved; people in those days were permanently pissed. And here’s some of The Pogues to go with it:

On Friday night’s Real Time with Bill Maher, they did a segment with image confessions. It was pretty funny. You can find the segment over on WhoSay. But I thought this one was good enough to share.

I think that’s pretty accurate. It isn’t that I think Romney hates everyone. I think just like Rob Portman and most other conservatives, he doesn’t give a shit about anyone but his intimate circle. Certainly it is true that Mitt Romney is the kind of guy who can’t imagine what it’s like to starve to death without actually seeing it happen.

This was also true of Ronald Reagan. If he heard about some kid dying of cancer, he’d write a check for fifty grand. But when it came to providing healthcare for poor children, he didn’t really see the problem. Or you can think of the Woody Harrelson character in Seven Psychopaths who weeps over his dog but has no trouble murdering people for the smallest of indiscretions.

When they are in a movie, we call them psychopaths. When they are running for office, we call them Republicans.

The Toronto Star reported last week that a man pleaded guilty to defrauding $32 million from North American lawyers. What is great about this story is the scam. Also: it couldn’t happen to a nice group of people. But most of all, the culprit is Emmanuel Ekhator—Wait for it!—a Nigerian!

The scam was well-organized but simple. He would email an law firm, telling them that he was owed money due to a divorce or some such. He would then ask that they do the arrangements. Eventually, everything would be settled and the person owing the money would send a check to the law firm. The law firm would contact the bank and make sure the check was good. Then they would subtract their fees and wire the money to Mr. Ekhator.

The problem was that the the checks were fraudulent. They looked like the real thing, but the phone number of the checks were to part of the scammer’s operation rather than the real bank. Eventually, the check would bounce, but by then, the wired money would be long gone.

Pretty cool, eh?

Afterword

As many of you know, I was recently divorced from my wife, who was the last in a long line of Nigerian royalty. She owes me quite a lot of money—over a million dollars. Unfortunately, it is stuck in a bank in her home country. If you could loan me $10,000, I would give you 25% of all the money returned. Email me for details at IWannaBeLikeEmmanuel AT MyNigerianPrincessWife DOT com. Thank you!

In Springfield, Massachusetts, a group of people were waiting in a line outside the store Expressions. They were waiting for the store to open so that they could purchase the new Nike Air Jordans. What I fool I am! I didn’t even know they still made these, much less that people waited in line outside stores to buy shoes that work as much as Nike advertisements as tennis shoes. But there you go: people were waiting in line to buy some tennis shoes.

Look: people can do what they want to do. Most people would say that the way I spend my life is stupid. But people were waiting in line yesterday morning where it was 27°F to buy shoes that cost three times the most expensive shoes I’ve ever bought. But to each his own! If these people enjoy spending their lives as consumer automatons, fine. Moving on with the story…

Well, a scuffle started and before anyone knew it, a gun was pulled, it went off and an 11-year-old girl was shot in the leg. I assume the girl is okay, but it is hard to say because the article about the shooting in The Republican only mentioned the girl twice: first that she was shot and second that the police don’t think she was the target of the shooting. The rest of the story is about the police’s unsuccessful search for the shooter. You’ve got to have your priorities right.

This whole thing makes me think of the old adage, “An armed society is a polite society!” That isn’t true, but… Isn’t it pretty to think so?