Three Annoying Articles

Bathroom FireBecause I was bored, I spent far too much time over at FARK. As a result, I found three unrelated news items that annoyed me for different reasons. But it just may be my mood. Also: I’m losing my grip on reality. I’m writing this Friday evening, but I know it won’t be published until Monday evening. (That’s right, I’m that far ahead for no particular reason except that business was slow this last week.) Thus, I want to blame this on a bad Monday, but that wouldn’t be accurate. And last (This?) Friday wasn’t any worse than usual.

The first story comes to us from Foodbeast (which has a badly designed website), Why McDonald’s Built a Drive-Thru Exclusively for Cyclists to Bike Through. You would be mistaken if you thought that the article would answer the question of why McDonald’s built a drive-thru exclusively for cyclists to bike through. That is, you would be mistaken, unless you thought that the reason was that it is part of McDonald’s #ImLovinIt24 campaign where “24 cities around the world have been doing random McDonald’s things…” But this is not even what annoys me the most.

This McDonald’s, which is in Copenhagen, has specially designed “bike-friendly boxes” with “McBike” printed on them designed to hang from the handlebars. Have these people never ridden a bike? It is a spectacularly bad idea. First, it will slip and then most likely fall. If it doesn’t, it will swing, hit another part of the bike, slip, and then most likely fall. Or it will rain, the cardboard will tear, and it will definitely fall. Trust me: something will not work. I know.

Baby 12My real question is whether this “bike-thru” will allow walkers. When I was a kid without a car, the fast food places would not serve us on foot. They claimed that it had something to do with their insurance. I’ve never been to Copenhagen, but if it is anything like Davis, then walkers have as much to worry about from bikes as they do from cars. The whole thing makes me wonder why they didn’t just make a “walk-thru.” The bicyclists could still use it. The reason for having a drive-thru is because most drivers are lazy bastards who don’t want to get out of the car. That isn’t an issue on a bike. You are already outside, which you will notice when your “McBike” container splatters all over the ground.

The second story comes to us from Metro (another badly designed website), Baby Born With 12 on His Forehead, What Could It Mean? It’s a UK publication, but God knows where the little brat was born. The intentionally cheeky article mentioned that the parents were from South Africa, but maybe the kid was born in the UK. Who cares, right? I mean the kid has a birthmark in the shape of a “12” on its forehead. Having been told it is a “12,” I see it very clearly. But if I hadn’t been told, I’m sure I would have seen it as a smudge. Or a parrot landing on a tree. Whatever. It’s meaning, however, is clear: slow news day at Metro.

Cheeseburger Ball GagThe third story comes to us from sort of an actual newspaper, The Daily Telegraph. But you wouldn’t know it from this important article, Revealed: the Most Dangerous Time To Be in Your Home. I swear I am not making this up: the most dangerous time to be at home is Saturday at 6:30 pm because that’s when a lot of people are home. Not only that, but people spend that time cooking. Another revelation in the article is that people often hurt themselves while cooking. Apparently, fires are much more common in the kitchen than the bathroom. Also: don’t fix appliances when they are still plugged in. And finally: jumping in front of speeding trains can result in injury or even death.

FARK is a very useful website, but on slow days, it can be horrible. But it does remind me just how many useless websites exist that get lots and lots of traffic. I mean, Foodbeast is quite popular and it features articles like, This Team Is Introducing Mashed Potato Chicken and Waffle Cones, The Cheeseburger Ball Gag Is a Thing That Exists, Here’s What We Know About It, and This Bloody Mary Has an Entire Pizza Slice As a Garnish. Yeah, we’re doomed.

2 thoughts on “Three Annoying Articles

  1. Ha! The pizza-slice Bloody Mary! Right here in Minnesota! About the only edible things at ballparks are the peanuts. What’s funny is most ballparks allow you to bring your own food (as long as it isn’t the right shape for hurling at players; apples, for example, have to be cut into slices.) They do so because they know most fans want “ballpark food” and real food isn’t much competition. (I usually get a huge Polish sausage slathered in onions, as I avoid meat at home, for environmental reasons — factory meat farming is terrible environmentally.)

    It’s kinda like going to the movies. Nobody who makes popcorn at home drizzles yellow oil all over it and adds salt on top (a friend once observed, at a movie theater, “there’s nothing about that ‘butter’ which goes ‘moo.'”) But if you go to movies four times a year, it’s a special occasion, you want your junk food. And there’s probably nothing too harmful about junk food if you have it, say, once a month.

    No good ideas for re-naming the birthday post. The only one I could think of that I like is Beatles-y, “It Was x-Many Ago Today,” (with an italic “x”) but that’s too long and some readers wouldn’t get it. Anniversary Post probably works just fine!

    Now, if there were a baby with a birthmark “1,2,1234” I’d think that was significant and the God Of Rock was sending us some message . . .

    • Have you seen That Mitchell and Webb Look, “There is No God”? If I saw a series of prime numbers, I might be convinced.

      During my teens and early 20s, there was a great independent movie theater that showed different double features every night. It was very hippy influenced, so they sold apple juice and bagels with cream cheese. That makes perfect sense: it’s quiet. When I was in graduate school, there was a McDonald’s right next door to the movie theater, so I used to smuggle hamburgers into the movies. I loved that! Sadly, greasy popcorn is something you really have to pay for: $5 for 3 tablespoons or $5.50 for 6 gallons.

      I like what you said about food at the ballpark. That sounds like it would make a good article…

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