Justin Bieber’s 12th Birthday

Justin Bieber on his 12th BirthdayJustin Bieber turns 12 today. It is the eighth time he has turned 12. He’s like Peter Pan: he can’t grow up. I don’t know why Peter Pan couldn’t grow up. In Justin Bieber’s case, it would ruin his brand.

I am quite serious when I say that Bieber’s entire brand is being a cute little boy. This is also Taylor Swift’s brand. But it isn’t her birthday.

I don’t have a lot more to say about Bieber than I’ve already said. Let me just quote from my article, Justin Bieber and the End of Western Culture:

From the first syllable out of Bieber’s mouth, I was assaulted by the worst technological innovation since the atomic bomb: pitch correction. I hear it everywhere. It first came to prominence in Cher’s hit Believe (You know: “Do you believe in love after love?”). The effect on Cher’s voice is pitch correction used at a high level. But it was an effect. It wasn’t being used because Cher (1) couldn’t sing in tune or (2) had a very weak voice that required some help. After that song, the effect became a fad. It finally died away, but afterwards, there was this residue of the stuff. I could always hear this effect used on some (many) singers’ voices. It wasn’t as strong as in the case of Believe, but it was there nonetheless. And then it hit me: these people (e.g. Taylor Swift) couldn’t sing in tune! Why not? That makes the job of record companies much easier: find someone cute who can move. The pitch correction works in real time, so these tone-deaf savants can even perform live. Ladies and gentlemen: Island Records recording artist Justin Bieber!

So happy birthday Young Bieber. Thank you for doing your best to destroy my culture. My mother always said, “Go with your strengths!” And that seems to be yours.

Afterword

Some decent artists or at least entertainers were born today. Ron Howard is 59. The fine young British actor Jack Davenport is 39. Alan Thicke is 66. The last remaining Hogan’s Hero, Robert Clary is 87. The fine actress Joan Hackett would have been 79 today, but she died at 49 of ovarian cancer.

Gratefully, we don’t need to suffer through another year with Robert Bork on the planet. But he did make it to 85. What is it with conservatives? Do they live so long because they’re rich or is it just to spite the world?

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