There are currently 403 definitions of “fucktard” on the Urban Dictionary. Of course, many of them are like number 402:
Love that “whom” don’t you? Just so you know: I don’t have time to put in all the necessary sic entries; I copied them directly, so you can assume that what is written is how they wrote it. We’ll be nice and just look at number 201:
2. not to be confused with a ligitimately mentally retarded person, a fucktard is also known as somebody who has such a lack of vocabulary that they have to use “fuck” in almost every other sentence. generally fucktards hang in colonies. beware. note: this definition was posted by a person who just recently encountered an entire clan of fucktards.
1.jami:” hey sam, look its bill. don’t you have bio chem with him?”
sam: “fuck! i hate fucking bill! he is such a fucking fucktard!”
jami: ” yeah, poor guy, he doesn’t even know it.”
2. ftard1: “yeah man, the kegger was totally fucking awesome! I was so fucking wasted, i was like fuck, where the fuck am i? u know?”
ftard2:” yeah fuck man! i was so fucked up! have u fucked brittany yet? greg said she is a lousey fuck.”
The best definition by far in number two, for obvious reasons:
1) A fucking retard
2) A retarded fuck
3) A fuck, who is also retarded
But the truth is that there are apparently a lot of different definitions for “fucktard.” In particular, I thought Number 5 was quite useful as a word used by specialists (although it seems to me that dancers may well call their leotards “fucktards” for very different reasons; this one sounds too much like a male fantasy):
Damn that ballet was boring, but Jenny wore her Fucktard and gave me a piece if I promised to stay for the whole show. It was worth it!!!
Very similar (at least in the male sexual fantasy way) is this one:
Most catholic girls are fucktards.
But by far the most common definition, repeated over and over, is “a contraction of ‘fucking retard.'”
All of this research has frankly put me off what I have thought of as a charming word. The fact that “retard” might be part of its etymology never occurred to me. But I’m dense in this way. I had to be told that Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia was a play on “Jerry Garcia.” Up to then, I knew the ice cream flavor reminded me of the Grateful Dead, but I had no idea why. (Sadly, this is absolutely true.)
Many years ago, Andrea English developed a theorem that people were either stupid or evil. I hypothesized that the “or” was not exclusive and that some people (quite a lot, actually) were both stupid and evil. To me, “fucktard” is the perfect word for this: stupid and evil. (See, just like with the ice cream, my subconscious knows, but the thought never makes it to my cortex.)
Now I am deeply torn: to fucktard or not to fucktard, that is the question…
 Am I the only one who has noticed that about a decade into his career Shakespeare fell in love with the weak ending of his iambic pentameter?
Whether ’tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them: to die, to sleep
I might also point out that the “weak ending” of the last line is not weak. Sometimes Shakespeare was such a fucktard.