Some Thoughts on Fucktard

There are currently 403 definitions of “fucktard” on the Urban Dictionary. Of course, many of them are like number 402:

The fucktard that wrote definition 201 is a fucktard. A fucktard is anybody whom makes up their mind before hearing the issue at hand.

Love that “whom” don’t you? Just so you know: I don’t have time to put in all the necessary sic entries; I copied them directly, so you can assume that what is written is how they wrote it. We’ll be nice and just look at number 201:

1. a person that makes you so angry that it induces you to say the word “fuck!” even at the mention of said the tard.

2. not to be confused with a ligitimately mentally retarded person, a fucktard is also known as somebody who has such a lack of vocabulary that they have to use “fuck” in almost every other sentence. generally fucktards hang in colonies. beware. note: this definition was posted by a person who just recently encountered an entire clan of fucktards.

1.jami:” hey sam, look its bill. don’t you have bio chem with him?”
sam: “fuck! i hate fucking bill! he is such a fucking fucktard!”
jami: ” yeah, poor guy, he doesn’t even know it.”

2. ftard1: “yeah man, the kegger was totally fucking awesome! I was so fucking wasted, i was like fuck, where the fuck am i? u know?”

ftard2:” yeah fuck man! i was so fucked up! have u fucked brittany yet? greg said she is a lousey fuck.”

The best definition by far in number two, for obvious reasons:

Someone who sees 13 pages of definitions for a basic combination of two words and feels the need to add another, identical one.

1) A fucking retard
2) A retarded fuck
3) A fuck, who is also retarded
4) …

But the truth is that there are apparently a lot of different definitions for “fucktard.” In particular, I thought Number 5 was quite useful as a word used by specialists (although it seems to me that dancers may well call their leotards “fucktards” for very different reasons; this one sounds too much like a male fantasy):

A leotard with a hole in the crotch instead of snaps so you can get some quick in and out action between ballet performances.

Damn that ballet was boring, but Jenny wore her Fucktard and gave me a piece if I promised to stay for the whole show. It was worth it!!!

Very similar (at least in the male sexual fantasy way) is this one:

Noun. A combination of the word “fuck” (to fornicate) and the word “tard” (to delay). Therefore, a fucktard is a girl who won’t let you fornicate with her until like the third or fourth date.

Most catholic girls are fucktards.

But by far the most common definition, repeated over and over, is “a contraction of ‘fucking retard.'”

All of this research has frankly put me off what I have thought of as a charming word. The fact that “retard” might be part of its etymology never occurred to me. But I’m dense in this way. I had to be told that Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia was a play on “Jerry Garcia.” Up to then, I knew the ice cream flavor reminded me of the Grateful Dead, but I had no idea why. (Sadly, this is absolutely true.)

Many years ago, Andrea English developed a theorem that people were either stupid or evil. I hypothesized that the “or” was not exclusive and that some people (quite a lot, actually) were both stupid and evil. To me, “fucktard” is the perfect word for this: stupid and evil. (See, just like with the ice cream, my subconscious knows, but the thought never makes it to my cortex.)

Now I am deeply torn: to fucktard or not to fucktard, that is the question…[1]

[1] Am I the only one who has noticed that about a decade into his career Shakespeare fell in love with the weak ending of his iambic pentameter?

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether ’tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them: to die, to sleep

I might also point out that the “weak ending” of the last line is not weak. Sometimes Shakespeare was such a fucktard.

0 thoughts on “Some Thoughts on Fucktard

  1. "Fucking retard" is the most concise (and correct) definition. What did you think the addition of "tard" meant if not short for retarded? "Late" perhaps? As in: fucking never on time. The tard is what makes it funny.

  2. I think I was very clear about this: I am not a fuck but I *am* a tard. The good thing here is that my subconscious does a lot of heavy lifting for me in my work. My cortex is not good as a filter. This is why, for example, I am good at unintentional puns. And I have a real talent for assonance. But like most intellectuals, I’m a complete idiot.

  3. Don’t listen to my ranting. I change my mind all the time. I’ve been rather pro-Wikipedia recently. They still have a lot of problems, but there is a lot of good stuff there.

    Along these lines, their page on expletives is very good. Or was. You can never tell with them.

    I don’t really understand euphemisms. For example, "Dab Nab it" is a euphemism for "God Damn it." It means the same thing so why isn’t it just as offensive? It is like on SNL, they can imply the most outrageous sexual acts and that’s fine. But say "fuck" and they get fined. What’s up with that? It’s as though words have magical powers but ideas mean nothing.

    You’re right: that Wikipedia page is quite good.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *