Trump: “Can’t Live in Country With Me President”

Donald Trump InaugurationAt an impromptu press conference, President Donald J Trump announced that he was stepping down as President of the United States as of Monday morning 8 am EST after which he will be immigrating to Iceland. “I just can’t live in a country that would have me as its prsident,” the clearly distraught president stated. He went on to explain that he only ran for president to give himself an excuse to quit his job on The Apprentice before its sagging ratings caused NBC to tell him, “You’re fired.” But, Trump said looking down and shaking his head, “It all got out of control. And now I just can’t continue to live in a country that is this vile and stupid.”

The president dismissed insightful questions shouted from the press corps, like “How many square feet will your Icelandic house have?” and “What wardrobe changes will Melania make?” Trump said, “I did everything I could to lose this election.” He then went through a list of what he said should have been disqualifying actions: admissions of sexual assault, not paying contractors, punishing his infant nephew over a financial grievance with his brother, and three dozen other acts that “only a psychopath would do.” Throwing up his hands he concluded, “What kind of country would elect me?!”

America More Racist Than Trump Thought

“But it’s the racism that really did it for me.” He went on, “I never thought that this country would elect a man as racist and hateful as I am!” After noting that this was a country built by immigrants, he said, “How could half the nation vote for me? It boggles the mind; it really does.”

He went on to say that he felt bad for all the losers who had no choice but to stay a country that was so messed up and vile as to vote him into office. “And now you’re stuck with Mike Pence! I really do feel bad about that. But I have to do what’s best for me and my family, and that means getting the hell out of this country and into a place the people value competence and humanity.”

Presidency as Vile as His Candidacy

This is just what America is: a country that accepts me as its leader. I’m not even a mediocrity; I’m a total incompetent with clear mental problems.

At that point, President Trump opened the floor for questions. Samuel Fronk from Breitbart New Network asked if this wasn’t just a reaction to the president’s recent failure with healthcare reform. “No!” Mr Trump said curtly. “It’s quite the opposite.”

Seeming to calm, he leaned onto the lectern and said, “I thought maybe America was just confused. I thought, ‘If I act just as vile as president as I did on the campaign trail, maybe people will wake up.’ I figured surely you all would impeach me — or at least assassinate me. But no. This is just what America is: a country that accepts me as its leader. I’m not even a mediocrity; I’m a total incompetent with clear mental problems. But I’m not crazy, so I’m leaving America.”

TracyAnn Sheffield of Fox News asked what he thought the future holds for him. Trump responded that the one good thing about his presidency has been that it’s made him feel better about himself. “At least I would never elect me to be president. There really is something wrong with America.”

Mixed Reactions Throughout America

Vice-President Pence was unavailable for comment because he was in a briefing with someone anonymous White House sources say goes by the name Nikolay. Speaker of the House Paul D Ryan released a statement saying in part, “I am saddened that I will not be able to lower President Trump’s taxes.”

Trump supporters around the nation had mixed reactions. Dick Dongle of West Virginia said, “If I’d known Trump was so introspective, I never would have voted for him in the first place.” On the other hand, Maxine Wellstone of Franklin, Pennsylvania said, “Iceland on the west coast, right?”

Political Scientist Jennifer Collins of the Brookings Institute speculates that this news will ripple all the way through to the 2020 presidential election where, “Donald Trump Jr is now clearly the front-runner.”

2 thoughts on “Trump: “Can’t Live in Country With Me President”

  1. JF
    I read the King bit. Yeah, OK, i have never muddled through a King novel, but the write-up there was pretty good and very on target.
    Thanks for sharing.
    FM
    Thanks for the article.

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