The Best Theoretical Action Film Ever

Hawk and Chick - Bob's BurgerThe penultimate season five episode of Bob’s Burgers was, “Hawk and Chick.” As you may know, I’m a huge fan of Bob’s Burgers. I identify a great deal with Bob. And with all them. And with the situation, given that I grew up with small business owners. It’s much more charming in the series than it is in real life. But this particular episode may well be my favorite of all time. And it will probably be my favorite until they make the episode (which I know is coming) when Jimmy Jr gets 25 to life for killing his father. But even this may not beat “Hawk and Chick.”

In the episode, Bob and Louise are out at the farmers’ market buying produce for one of Bob’s punning daily specials, which almost never sounds good. Here it is, “Take A Leek Burger (comes with sautéed leeks) – $5.95.” But at the very start, Bob purchases a jicama to make a “Jicama-Tah-Ta burger.” But at the market, Louise sees an old Japanese man who she thinks is Shinji Kojima, the actor who played Hawk in the “Hawk and Chick” series of samurai films that the two of them love. Thus begins their adventure of following him, meeting him, and helping him to reunite with his daughter, Yuki, who played Chick in the film series.

Let me explain to you what the “Hawk and Chick” films were all about. They featured Hawk, a barber who roams around Japan during what looks more or less like the Sengoku period with his young daughter Chick. All they want to do is live their lives, but unusual monsters always appear requiring Hawk and Chick to work as a samurai duo in order to save the town. As Gene says in the episode, “So it’s like a less sexual Incredible Hulk?” Exactly!

What happens in the episode is actually quite sentimental. Louise is determined to get Kojima and Yuki back together because she’s afraid that she and Bob will grow apart as she grows up. (Silly girl: cartoon characters don’t grow up!) And unlike most episodes, everything works out completely. But the main thing is “Hawk and Chick.” That really is the greatest idea ever for an action film — even better than a blind samurai film series. And there were 14 of them! (Of course, there are 26 Zatoichi films.) I want to see these films! Or something similar. A combination of Kung Fu and Paper Moon would be particularly awesome.

You should really check out the episode. It is quite funny and sweet — everything you expect from a Bob’s Burgers episode, except for a fart joke. And it is probably the closest you will ever come to a father-daughter sword-fighting team action film series. Alas.


Right now, you can watch the episode on Hulu.

3 thoughts on “The Best Theoretical Action Film Ever

    • You’re welcome! I am very serious. I think that would be a great film series. Kind of Yojimbo meets Courtship of Eddie’s Father meets John Dies at the End. It would be awesome!

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