Shocker! Hillary Clinton Is Running for President!

Hillary Clinton LaughingThis morning, The New York Times sent me a news update, Breaking News: Hillary Clinton Will Run for President in 2016, Top Aide Says. This is why I subscribe to their updates. I don’t want to miss out on anything. I would hate to be hanging out in the lunch room at work and muse aloud, “I wonder with Hillary Clinton will run for president.” Only to have a coworker embarrass me, “You haven’t heard? Hillary Clinton is running for president!” Boy would my face be red.

Since I got that update from The New York Times, I’ve been waiting for other breaking news. Really, at this point, it could be anything:

  • Hillary Clinton Married to Former President, Top Aide Says
  • Hillary Clinton Unlikely to Change Hair Color in 2016, Top Aide Says
  • Hillary Clinton Recently Became Grandmother, Top Aide Says
  • Hillary Clinton Will Not Be Contestant on Dancing With the Stars in 2016, Top Aide Says
  • Hillary Clinton Not Controlled by Reptilian Extraterrestrial, Top Aide Says

Actually, that last one might qualify as news. I’ve been intrigued this last week that there was the announcement that Hillary Clinton would announce her candidacy for president. And so there was lots of “news” about her upcoming announcement, as if it were, you know, news. And now that she has officially announced her candidacy, there will be lots of news about that. I know it won’t happen, but it would make sense if next week we got the headline:

Hillary Clinton Still Running for President in 2016, Top Aide Says

I have nothing especially against Hillary Clinton. If it comes to it, I will vote for her. But with Clinton, Cruz, and Paul, this is really not news. They have all been running for president for some time. So a formal announcement ought to be treated as such. This isn’t earth shattering. It is along the lines of a business that has been a sole proprietorship is changing into an S corporation. That’s how big this news is: not big.

Now her campaign put out this very nice video announcing her candidacy. And I am not nearly cynical enough to not like it. It’s good. And it is a hell of a lot better than Ted Cruz’s staged speech where he wanted us to all imagine a world in which fifty years of social progress was washed away.

Just the same, I am cynical enough to think that The Onion nailed her candidacy better than her campaign or the mainstream media ever will:

  • Campaign Slogan: “I deserve this”
  • Campaign Strategy: Overwhelming tide of inevitability
  • Spouse: Former Arkansas attorney general William Jefferson Clinton
  • Wingspan: 7 feet, 6 inches
  • Ideal Running Mate: Primary opponent who knows how to gracefully step aside when the time comes
  • Biggest Scandals: Deaths of four Americans at Benghazi, use of private email account for government messages, choice of Nina McLemore dress at a 1998 presidential function
  • Grandchildren: One, but pushing Chelsea for one more before Iowa caucus
  • Stance On Abortion: Supports a woman’s right to choose for her husband’s mistress
  • Birthplace: Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming
  • Number Of Times Teeth Gritted To Date: 489,346
  • Things She Personally Understands As A Grandmother: Hope, faith, future, education, children, all that crap
  • Greatest Fear: Charismatic young senators from the Midwest
  • Number Of Big Macs That Fit In Mouth At One Time: 2
  • Biggest Challenge: Not completely blowing it

My hope is that if she completely blows this, she will do it soon. But if she does, the media will probably miss it because they are busy covering Jeb Bush’s announcement.

2 thoughts on “Shocker! Hillary Clinton Is Running for President!

  1. Joe Conason makes Robert Scheer look like a dimwit in a “Democracy Now” debate panel, with Scheer actually saying he’d prefer Rand Paul over Clinton:

    It’s sad, because I have a lot of respect for Scheer and his work. He’s just dead damn wrong here. There’s this fantasy (which Michelle Goldberg in the debate calmly shoots down) that if we Only Had A Real Liberal Running, everyone would stand up and shout, “yes!” Like “V For Vendetta,” minus Fed-Exing masks to the whole country.

    That’s not, not remotely, how politics work. Scheer’s been brilliant and a credit to us all with his criticisms of America’s financial/military empire. Very few people are aware of these or other valid criticisms. Most people have only the vaguest awareness what elected representatives or Presidents actually do, much less how economic or military power works. (I have no idea what my local mayor/city council’s legal powers are, and I live in a large city!)

    Bernie Sanders could run and 90% of Americans (at least) would have no idea what he was talking about. What makes him different than Clinton? A lot of important things, but these are not things most people understand. Again, this is the worst bit about losing unions — losing the educational aspect. In polls, more Americans support the policies a Bernie Sanders would try to enact than ones Clinton would enact (and would support Clinton’s over any GOP nominee’s.) They don’t see what the difference is when all candidates say “I want to help you,” because they have no concept of how government actually functions.

    We really have to re-educate the American voter, one person at a time, and it’s a huge uphill battle. I don’t think we’ll win. Worth trying, though.

    • Goldberg has been making that argument since Nader 2000. I’m ambivalent about it. I think in the primary, we should push for the most liberal candidate, just as the Republicans push for the most conservative. The reason I think this is because of my belief in, “It’s the economy, stupid!” In 2008, literally any Democrat would have won. So why did we nominate a centrist like Obama? If anyone should worry about electability, it should be the Republicans.

      However, once the general election is under way, people should not vote for another Nader — especially in a swing state.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *