Ann Coulter Confuses Her Sex Life With Soccer

Ann CoulterUnlike most liberals, I “get” Ann Coulter. She is fairly smart, actually has a good sense of humor, and knows what she is: a provocateur. She’s also vile and politically pretty much a fascist. She’s nationalistic, anti-diversity, and she fetishizes “strength” and “power.” But like me, last week she decided to go after America’s recent interest in soccer. Of course, although we were equally snarky, I at least made sense, You Don’t Care about World Football. My article was complaining about how Americans get all excited whenever “their team” (how ever that might be defined) is doing well. Americans are now more interested in soccer because our national team is reasonably good at it. But soccer like all professional sports is popular simply because it is popular. People watch it because other people watch it. Sheep, that’s what we are.

Last week, Coulter wrote, America’s Favorite National Pastime: Hating Soccer. Much of it is quite funny, but she actually shows a great ignorance not just of soccer but of games that True Americans™ care about. Let’s look at her description of Soccer:

Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in.

That doesn’t really sound like soccer to me. I think she’s describing her sex life.

Anyway, she goes out of her way to label soccer as French, “They [African Americans] remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.” The truth is that soccer is not a particularly loved game in France. It is not more popular there than it is in Germany, Ireland, or the United Kingdom. This line actually is disappointing. Meaningless complaints about the French are so 2003. She really should get up with the times. That’s just lazy.

She also complains that what sets humans apart from other animals is that we have opposable thumbs. Well, actually, there are a lot of animals with opposable thumbs. (She also mentions that humans have souls unlike the “lesser beasts,” but she would hardly know, would she?) But her point is that soccer is stupid because you can’t use your hands. She wrote, “Here’s a great idea: Let’s create a game where you’re not allowed to use them!”

There’s a major problem with this idea. All sports have limitations. Baseball would be a lot easier to play if the bat were thicker, for example. But more important, the game she seems to think screams “America!” is football. But in that game, offensive linemen are not allowed to use their hands. Here’s a great idea: let’s create a game where the guys who protect the quarterback aren’t allowed to use their hands! Brilliant!

The truth is that Ann Coulter doesn’t know any more about the traditional American games than she knows about soccer. She just knows that soccer used to be unpopular in America and now it is getting more popular. Of course American football was not popular at all back in Coulter’s good ol’ days before the income tax. And it is just a variation on a real man’s game: rugby. It was altered for the pussy Americans who can’t stand a tap on the shoulder without six inches of high tech padding.

Oh, did I just write, “six inches”?! That’s another thing that upsets Coulter: the metric system. She spends three brainless paragraphs complaining about the metric system. No one is requiring Coulter to use the metric system. If she wants to measure her cadaverous body in inches, no one will complain. Or care! My guess: she’s a perfect 22-22-22. But it is interesting that she is embracing measurement units from an imperial system that we fought a war 238 years ago to escape.

The truth is that Ann Coulter is the ultimate conservative. She’s totally in favor of how ever things are. Football is great because it has been popular in the United States for her whole life. She doesn’t care about it enough to actually know anything about it. Similarly, she’s a “Christian,” but one doesn’t get the impression she takes that any more seriously than she does football. William Buckley famously said, “A Conservative is a fellow who is standing athwart history yelling ‘Stop!'” But in his case, you get the impression that he knew something about what he was yelling about. With Coulter is just the robotic belief that whatever Americans have done must be great, whatever they are starting to do is terrible, and powerful fascistic leaders are sexy.

Well, if Ann Coulter is really lucky, one of Chris Christie’s balls might accidentally go in.

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About Frank Moraes

Frank Moraes is a freelance writer and editor online and in print. He is educated as a scientist with a PhD in Atmospheric Physics. He has worked in climate science, remote sensing, throughout the computer industry, and as a college physics instructor. Find out more at About Frank Moraes.

0 thoughts on “Ann Coulter Confuses Her Sex Life With Soccer

  1. (snickering)

    I think that attacking Ms. Coulter’s sex life is completely unfair, completely inappropriate, and totally cool. "Cadaverous" is a great word, here. I also would have accepted "wraithlike" or a praying mantis reference.

    No rational individual would ever want to have sex with Coulter or Palin, two individuals often described as physically attractive. I suppose that description indicates how intellectual sympathy can make another human being appear physically appealing; they look to me like gorgons. Whereas I can’t even watch MSNBC anymore, it’s just too consistently shallow, but Rachel Maddow is positively adorable. And everybody finds Jon Stewart cute as a bug.

    Among conservatives, I’d have to say Boehner is the best; he’s got that same depressed, but still handsome, whiskey-and-cigars look Jon Hamm does on "Mad Men." (It’s the eyes.) Most are just too creepily plastic. Paul Ryan, I suspect, would have the most hideous orgasm face imaginable.

    We have our less-attractive ones, too. Chris Hedges would just make you feel guilty for having sex, because you’re enjoying any moment of existence on planet Earth. (Then you’d go confess to your priest, who would be Bill Moyers, and he would make you feel more guilty. In a disapprovingly, grandfather-y way. Like a priest.) Naomi Klein would cite references about the evils of power that utterly dismantled your boner, then dump you for an orgy with liberal economists.

    Hoping for a little dirty fun, you’d turn to the Clintons, and be utterly thrown for a loop by how truly weird Bill is; I suspect he could give de Sade a run for his money. (No wonder Kennedy was his hero.) Finally, you’d crash out with the Obamas, who would convince you, when you thought you were too tired, to engage in a seemingly loving, explosively thrilling erotic adventure. Following which, the next morning, they would spookily pretend that nothing happened, not at all.

  2. @JMF – That has to win the award of the most <something> comment this blog has ever received.

    This article just started with my wanting to tweet, "Ann Coulter describes her sex life: ‘Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in.’" But it was too long and almost no one would get it. I disagree with you about Palin: when she was younger, she was quite pretty. I try to avoid spending a lot of time around stupid people is the only problem. Coulter, however, is just too thin. The picture I provided of her is one of the best. She really does look like a cadaver–but one that hasn’t been embalmed–one’s that’s waiting to be cremated. I suspect she would actually be a fun person to hang out with it. She’s reasonably smart and funny. And when hanging around liberals, she would claim (As they all do!) she was, "Just a clown!" Even if it’s a lie, you wouldn’t have to worry about her talking politics.

    I love the idea of a Coulter fan thinking this article wrong or "too far." Of course, none will. But only because they won’t read it. In my experience, the right can dish it out but it can’t take it. And this is, of course, just a joke. Except for the clearly true things like the fact that she’s a fascist. Kind of like Leni Riefenstahl, but not as attractive.

  3. THAT’s the weirdest comment you’ve ever gotten? Oh, come now. And while most of it was just dirty-minded silliness, I thought the bit about the Obamas was pretty good . . .

    I imagine Coulter would be a fun person to get hammered and argue with. Although her "just a clown" pose is phony, I don’t sense that her views are phony. I’d enjoy hearing them stated honestly. She seems like someone who would spill totally when alcoholically lit. Coulter is psychotic enough to believe what she believes and savvy enough to phrase what she thinks in code words, so that those who agree with her aren’t required to face up to what conservatism actually stands for.

    Reifenstahl was beautiful; but I suspect she wasn’t exactly a fascist apologist so much as someone who tolerated fascism because it allowed her to continue the film work she cared about. Not a good move, morally speaking, but we’re not, any of us, going to look good when people a hundred years from now wonder why we didn’t do more to stop the shitstorm they’re living in.

    Hey, maybe those future people will like your work for having, at least, given it a shot. You never know.

  4. @JMF – I did not say it was the weirdest. I’ve gotten some [i]very[/i] weird comments. I said it was the most <something>. I’m still not sure what I meant. And yes, the bit about the Obamas was pretty good. I have Bill Clinton pegged as actually pretty non-exotic. Liking sex a lot does not necessarily mean you are into the unusual. But don’t start a conversation about the cigar!

    Coulter is a neocon. She is a Republican because she believes in "strength." I’ve never gotten the impression that she really cares about or thinks about anything else very much.

    I think Reifenstahl was a Nazi in much the same way that Coulter is a Republican. The whole thing with Jesse Owens shows she wasn’t a racist. There was something else about Nazism that she admired. I think it was the mythology–the Wagner opera thing. "Kill the Wabbit! Kill the Wabbit!"

    I think future people will hate me honestly for other things like eating meat. But also: I’m way to centered on the US. The injustices here are trivial compared to what’s going on in most of the world. But don’t worry, the power elite are working hard on making it as bad here. Anyway, I don’t care if future people hate me. If I could just stop me from hating myself, I’d be happy!

  5. And don’t forget. While we in the ‘First World’ have many things easier for the majority than in the rest of the world, various factors are conspiring to overthrow the things that make life different here. Not just the extreme conservatives either.

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