I am a cynical son of a bitch when it comes holidays and romance. So Valentine’s Day is a big day for me. In 2012, I wrote The Blood of St. Valentine’s Day. It was about the two (or three) saints who the day is most likely named after. And it turns out that they were both brutally murdered, like most saints. Ah, romance! In 2013, I wrote Play Valentine’s Day Well. It was my advice to men about how to play the game of love. Actually, it is very good advice. But what do I have to say for 2014?
According to Wikipedia, “In 1797, a British publisher issued The Young Man’s Valentine Writer, which contained scores of suggested sentimental verses for the young lover unable to compose his own.” This is still with us today. But now guys can’t even be bothered to copy the trite and plagiarized sentiments; we just buy greeting cards. Still, I think it is a hell of an idea. Most women love it when you write them a poem. I know because I’ve done it for countless friends and it always plays well.
So I thought for 2014, I would update that tradition. I offer the following poem to young lovers everywhere to do with as they please:
You screwing a guy who’s not me.
A guy who’s handsome and can speak,
Who’s manicured and does not reek;
A guy who’s total take-home pay—
One month of mine takes him one day;
A guy who drives a great new car,
Who pals around with movie stars;
Upon whose greatness all rely,
And always hate to say goodbye.
If this attractive you would be,
You never would have been with me.
I actual like that poem because it does get down to the ultimate truth of romance: we punch our weight. People don’t hook up with us because we are the best person in the world to them; we hook up because we are each about as good as we can get. And that’s great! It’s the nature of the universe. The only word that I disagree with is “if” when Stephen Stills wrote, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” Settling is not only acceptable, it is necessary.
As you live through this Valentine’s Day, remember the wisdom of That Mitchel and Web Look. Be a little bit deluded in each other’s favor. That’s what love is!