Guildenstern My lord, I cannot.
Hamlet I pray you.
Guildenstern Believe me, I cannot.
Hamlet I do beseech you.
Guildenstern I know no touch of it, my lord.
Hamlet ‘Tis as easy as lying: govern these ventages with your fingers and thumb, give it breath with your mouth, and it will discourse most eloquent music. Look you, these are the stops.
Guildenstern But these cannot I command to any utterance of harmony; I have not the skill.
Hamlet Why, look you now, how unworthy a thing you make of me! You would play upon me; you would seem to know my stops; you would pluck out the heart of my mystery; you would sound me from my lowest note to the top of my compass; and there is much music, excellent voice, in this little organ, yet cannot you make it speak. ‘Sblood, do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe? Call me what instrument you will, though you can fret me, you cannot play upon me.
[Enter Polonius. Guildenstern turns to Rosencrantz.]
Guildenstern Can you believe that?
Rosencrantz Yeah. What an asshole!
Guildenstern Excellent good friend, my ass!