Last night, I came upon the word “schizotypal.” I have come upon the word in the past, but I didn’t know exactly what it meant, so I entered it into Google and was offered up “schizotypal test.” I love tests! So I made my way to Personality Disorder Test at 4degreez.com. Given my mood, I can think lots of terrible things about myself, including that I am a psychopath, or as the test would say, that I suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder. For the record, the way this would work is that I am such a psychopath that I have convinced myself that I have empathy for others when I really don’t. We psychopaths are so clever!
So I took the test and I am please to inform you that I am not suffering from Antisocial Personality Disorder. (Or am I?!) Because my results indicate that I am much more normal than I ever thought, I will present them:
I suspect that my results here would be a good deal worse if were in a worse place in my life. Strangely, despite the fact that I’m broke and nobody loves me, I’ve been in a really good mood this year. In fact, I dare say this is on target to be the best year of my life. And yes, I know that’s really pathetic. The strange thing is that when I got a lot of my best work done, I was miserable. And even when life was going well, I didn’t feel a general sense that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Mostly, I’ve always felt that I was in the process of getting somewhere else. Now that’s not true. Except, I hope I am in the process of making slightly more money so that next year I can buy season tickets to the San Francisco Opera.
But enough about my function; my dysfunction is ever so much more interesting. I was surprised to see that I scored moderate on the Histrionic and Avoidant scales. This is because they are more or less opposites. (Maybe I have a split personality!) Someone suffering from Histrionic Personality Disorder needs to be at the center of attention. Someone suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder is basically afraid of being the center of attention. That’s me! Well, not exactly. Let me explain.
I have no problem standing up in front of a thousand people and doing my thing. Actually, I relish it. But that isn’t the real world. I think the hardest thing for me is to not have someone’s attention. A common experience of mine is to be at a social function and being in the middle of a sentence and have someone turn away so I’m left talking to no one. These people who just turn away are not critics. They aren’t giving me a bad review. I simply don’t register as important enough to notice. An audience will not do that to you. Being booed is nothing compared to being a non-person.
Regardless, I believe what the test is really noticing is that I am socially awkward but also need social validation. I suspect there are a lot of people who would score like that. But I’m kind of proud to score high on histrionics. It’s a character flaw I can get behind. As for avoidant, what can I say, I’m well aware of that. Hey! Where’d you go?!
Andrea took the test too. Man, is she messed up!