The Onion Nails Tea Party

The OnionA couple of weeks back, I wrote, Republicans Are a Cult More Than a Party. What I meant was that it operated very much like a new religion: the elites have reasons for their beliefs, but they tell the flock appealing stories that have little if anything to do with what the elites believe. For example, the elites dislike Obamacare because it raises taxes on the rich. But that’s not what they tell people. The base thinks that Obamacare is bad because it destroys “freedom” and other poorly defined words.

Of course, just like in a cult, the Republican Party is hierarchical and authoritarian. For all the Democratic Party’s faults, it is still largely ruled by fact and evidence. The Republican Party really doesn’t work that way. Now whether that is because of the media echo chamber they’ve created, or the other way around, doesn’t really matter. Everyone is expected to yield to authority and they avoid heretical news sources just like all good True Believers. The only thing that Republicans now disagree about is the proper intensity of their faiths.

I am not the only person to notice this aspect of the Republican Party. On Friday, the satirical news source The Onion published, Tea Party Leaders Announce Support for Deal in Exchange for Malia Obama. It takes the cult metaphor to wonderfully absurd heights:

The Tea Party caucus authored and released a short, tersely worded statement this morning in which they agreed to a swift negotiation of an unstipulated spending bill if the president were to deliver “the firstling.”

“The girl. Bring us the girl,” said Congressman Steve King (R-IA) as he stood beside fellow Tea Party leaders during this morning’s press conference on the steps of the Capitol. “The bill may pass, but the firstborn shall be ours.”

“Heed our bidding,” added an unblinking Phil Gingrey (R-GA). “And thy wish shall be granted.”

According to Washington insiders, the deal would reportedly feature a continuing resolution to fund government operations through November 15…

According to Congressional aides, if the White House agrees to deliver Malia, as well as a pint of Michelle Obama’s blood, a ram’s horn, and a shard of obsidian to the basement of the Cannon House Office Building by this evening, a House vote on the bill could take place as early as Saturday.

“Obamacare may be a scourge, but lo, our eyes are cast upon matters of greater import,” explained Tea Party Republican Justin Amash of Michigan’s third district. “Preparations must be made. The hour is nigh.” …

“It must be Malia,” stated Mick Mulvaney (R-SC). “First of birth. First of blood. First of the reckoning.” …

“The Tea Party has spoken,” said Georgetown professor of political science Richard Drape. “The deal has been wrought. All bear witness to the fruits of the Great Compromise, for it is with us.”

At press time, a teary-eyed Michelle Obama was informing Malia that she will always love her.

What I especially like about this is that in exchange for Obama’s first born, the Republicans are offering a one month CR. That’s about right!

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