In Which I Stare at a Woman’s Breasts

Sonoma County Democratic PartySo I decided to finally get off my duff and go check out the local Democratic Party that meets just around the corner from me. And they were a nice group—lively and friendly. Afterwards, I was talking to a guy and he explained how it all worked. I told him that I wasn’t very interested in voting inside the party apparatus and all that stuff; I just wanted to help out. I mentioned that I was a copy editor and that I thought my skills might be helpful to people in the group. He directed me to a woman who was something like the head of communications.

I went up to her and told her my sad tale: I was not really the representative kind of person but that I was a copy editor and maybe I could help out. Now, this was a pretty young woman who was clearly smart and also friendly. You know: exactly the kind of woman who drives me crazy. It isn’t sexual. I’m old. But old habits die hard and I immediately lapsed into my best impression of myself at 17. So I wanted to get out of there. I was a nervous wreck anyway. If I can avoid it, I don’t leave the house. I don’t like wide open spaces with people I don’t know. And I sure don’t like big meetings with people in close contact. Thus, almost from the first sentence, I was fighting my very strong and rational desire to run away.

As usual when I’m insecure, I look at a persons eyes for a while and then I look at the ground. Wash, rinse, repeat. But in this case, every time I looked down, I was looking directly at her breasts. And they were fine breasts. And that did not make things better! “Oh my God,” I thought. “I’m staring at her breasts!” So I looked at her eyes. And they too were very fine. But it was too intense, so I looked down. Again at her breasts!

This repeated itself four times at least. Finally, I excused myself and headed for the car. My heart was pounding. I was sweating. I felt like I’d just made it through my first day of kindergarten. The only difference was, I held it together better in kindergarten. I think I will limit my communications with the Democratic Party to email. It’s so much less embarrassing!

Democratic Party: 1; Frank: 0.

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