I have an immigration plan that should gain wide bipartisan support in Congress. This is because it will appeal to Republicans. Also: Democrats will go along with anything. There are three pillars of my plan: border security, guest workers, and path to citizenship.
First, border security. The Canadian border is fine the way it is, because they’re white like us. But we really need to make the border with Mexico secure. May I suggest: the Berlin Wall. Let’s set up two walls with armed guards every 20 feet on top of the north wall. Anyone who gets over the south wall will be shot. This would require a total of a bit more than 1.5 million guards at a total cost of $30 billion per year, if we pay them minimum wage and give them no benefits. But that is a small price to pay for securing our borders.
Second, guest worker program. American workers are famously demanding. What we need is a program that will allow any employers to hire guest workers if they can’t find American workers at a price they like. But I know what you’re thinking, “With the ridiculously high $7.25 federal minimum wage, won’t the guest workers still break the backs of the American businessman?” No, because we will not only eliminate the federal minimum wage, we will make it illegal for states to set a minimum wage. With these pro-growth policies, the US economy will be as strong as Bangladesh.
Third, path to citizenship. This is a contentious issue, but I think I have a workaround. As I discussed last week, we could set the path to citizenship to a reasonable length like 125 years. Given that humans seem unable to live longer than 124 years, we would be safe from any poor or brown-skinned person becoming a citizen. But I know what you’re thinking, “With advances in science, isn’t it possible that in the future people might live longer thus allowing a few people to become citizens?” That’s an excellent point. That’s why I’m putting a clause in the bill that would link the path to citizenship to one year longer than the maximum age that any person can live.
This is a plan that Republicans can embrace. And who cares what the Democrats think, although I suspect many of them would support it as well. So what do you say guys? I can see the headline in the New York Times now, “Bipartisan Immigration Reform Passed!”