I admit it: I get great pleasure taking swipes at Rob Portman about his own very self-serving position on same sex marriage. But I have been very clear: being for gay rights at least makes you a human being. And that brings us to Representative Matt Salmon.
Just like Portman, Salmon learned that his son was gay two years ago. And what a gay son he was! Matt Jr used to be the leader of the Arizona Log Cabin Republicans. This group, as you may know, is basically the “gay Republicans.” In fact, they were banned from CPAC for a couple of years. But let me say for the record that I find the Log Cabin Republicans a very creepy group. I know what they say: the Republican Party is in favor a individual rights, blah, blah, blah. But the fact is that the modern Republican Party is a hate-filled group depending upon the fear and rage of their base to hang onto power. The Log Cabin Republicans should see that their cause (free markets and free beds) fits far better in the Democratic Party than in the Republican Party. And that makes them a bunch of Uncle Toms looking to their betters for acceptance.
But being a leader of the state’s biggest “we hate our gay selves too” group wasn’t good enough for the old man. Or the old lady. As staunch Morans, they weren’t moving anywhere on the gay rights issues. After all, it might get in the way of running their own universes in the after life. Insert your own underwear joke [here].
So I am not here to defend Rob Portman. I still think the man only barely qualifies as human. In fact, I even imagine a conversation between Rob and his gay son Will. Will said, “You’d better jump on the gay bandwagon! Soon, this is going to be a real political winner for Republicans.” And Rob said, “You know, son: for a gay, you’re pretty smart!” Okay, I don’t really know. But I’m pretty certain that Portman’s announcement was politically calculated.
Salmon, on the other hand, is not only just a cruel bigot—he’s an idiot. Because it is only too clear that that “the gay” will be part of the Republican coalition moving forward. But I guess that the dream of managing your own universe is just too much for the Salmons to give up.
I think it is interesting that in the mainstream media, it is perfectly acceptable to lampoon the 72 virgins of Islam. But it is somehow wrong to lampoon the even more ridiculous notion of giving a whole new universe to the very best Mormons. I say this because the idea of life as a kind of game is ridiculous, not the idea of multiple universes. That actually seems about the most reasonable thing in the world.
Update (30 August 2013 1:19 pm)
I originally misstated Liz Cheney as an example of “Uncle Toms looking to their betters for acceptance.” In fact, it is Mary Cheney who is a gay Republican. I have a hard time telling the difference between all the blond female conservatives.