While trolling the internet the other day, looking for things to amuse and distract me from my current state of life-shortening stress, I came across this distressing bit of news: hideous, vicious, jumping Indian wolf spiders have invaded Scotland by hiding in a bunch of grapes. The MailOnline article only mentioned one, but I’m sure those hairy, eight-legged monstrosities stow away in large groups.

Is my life not difficult enough? Now I have to worry about the hellish creatures that might be lurking in my groceries! Grapes are so expensive I think I’m fairly safe, but what if some of the little bastards skitter over to the cookie aisle?!

Arachnophobia is my one true fear. There are plenty of things that make me uncomfortable; heights, crowded elevators, things swimming in murky water, but spiders actually terrify me. I once turned the page in a magazine only to be startled by the picture of a tarantula that was made to appear as though it was walking across the ad. I almost couldn’t touch the paper to turn the page. My son once asked me why I didn’t get therapy to help me get over the fear. I told him there was no need since it didn’t negatively impact my life, only the spider’s. That’s the only reason I read about the damned wolf spider: I needed to know where it came from and how to destroy one.

Mrs. Cooper screamed when she found the two-inch devil in her refrigerator. The good news was that, due to the chilly temperature, “it wasn’t moving very quickly and was relatively easy to catch”. CATCH?! Are you kidding me? Her husband said, “It was like no spider I’d seen before as it was hairy and had big beady eyes, like a tarantula. But I didn’t want to squash it. I don’t like to kill anything but it would also have made a horrible mess of my fridge.” Apparently they haven’t taken a really good look at the inside of their fridge. Given the crowded conditions, spider guts would have gone completely unnoticed. (Remember ladies, a clean fridge means fewer places to hide.)

Rather than kill it or catch-and-release it, the couple called the SPCA. And an officer actually came to their house. The lucky arachnid now has a new home at the Edinburgh Butterfly and Insect World. The butterflies are thrilled. Even more exciting, the spider may be pregnant! The general manager of the Insect House of Horrors said, “We think we will have this spider for maybe 12 to 18 months, but hopefully we will keep the offspring and have another generation.” Why? They aren’t endangered; stomp on it now!

I wish it was just a matter of avoiding India and Scotland for the rest of forever, but I’ve learned that the hairy buggers are crawling all over the entire planet – even New Jersey. Looks like I’m going to have to learn how to use the shotgun.

Allie over at Hyperbole and a Half knows what I’m talking about. I borrowed/stole her wonderful spider rendition. Her drawings are a lot of fun. (Please don’t sue me!)