Have you heard the joke about the football player who is an “influential voice for his religion”? Oh, you have? You just didn’t know it was a joke? Well it is. It is a big joke about the pathetic state of religion in the United State.

The football player? Tim Tebow of course. Over at Yahoo! Sports (That’s a good joke right there!) Jay Busbee reports on Tebow’s important journey as the spiritual leader that God’s gift of good legs and a strong left arm have prepared him for. And the great thing is that he doesn’t even need to read the Bible. This is really important because Matthew 6:5 is like a direct insult:

You may be wondering why there is all this fuss about Tim “Public Prayer” Tebow. Well, he was going to speak to the First Baptist Church of Dallas, Texas. But he had to back out. You see, he learned—What a surprise!—that the pastor of that church, Robert Jeffress, thinks pretty much everyone is going to hell: Muslims, Jews, Mormons, and Catholics. This kind of exclusionary Christianity is apparently not good—at least, not good for Tim Tebow, LLC.

But here’s the thing. All Christians think that Muslims and Jews are going to hell. They may not run around saying it, but it’s true. That’s been my biggest problem with Christian friends: knowing that as much as they may think I’m a good guy, they also know I am going to hell because I do not believe that Jesus is my savior. Certainly, if you could get Tim Tebow alone and off the record he would admit that, yes, Frank Moraes is most certainly going to fry in hell. So what’s the big deal?

On the Mormon and Catholic issue, I think most Protestants go along with Jeffress too. Christians I’ve talked to don’t accept that Mormonism is a kind of Christianity, even though it most certainly is. And Catholics are betraying the First Commandment with all of their saint worship. Protestants generally think that Catholics have gotten away from the true way of the Church. And thus, they are more than likely going to burn in hell.

People! You either believe your religion or you don’t. The Bible is either the word of God or it isn’t. And if it is, that means that slavery is okay. It means you should stone to death anyone who works on the Sabbath. It means that David totally rocks by sleeping with one of his soldier’s wives and then having him killed to avoid detection. (And let’s not forget about the fags!) Don’t give me all those slippery apologetics about how Christ brought in a new church and so the old laws were no longer valid. Jesus explicitly said the old Judaic law should be followed.

And the Bible says that Jesus is the one way to salvation. So if you aren’t a Christian, you are going to burn in hell. And if you are a Christian, then you must believe that. After all, isn’t it easier to believe that all non-Christians are going to burn in hell than to believe that God would send his son to some backwater to live a poorly documented life and expect all of humanity to “believe in” him in order to get to heaven? I urge Tim Tebow to follow his convictions.

Say it loud, and say it well: all you fagots will go to hell! Yaaayyy Jesus!