Yesterday, paste eating pundit Thomas Friedman told us that the Middle East is about to explode. In fact, he claims that Obama could be facing all the Middle East conflicts suffered by presidents from Eisenhower on. “Does that mean Egypt is going to nationalize the Suez Canal?” you ask. Don’t take Friedman literally; he just means that some country will try to nationalize some body of water. Or something. Mostly: paste tastes good!

Let me lay Friedman’s theory on you because it is brilliant. Iraq was like a grenade that went off, but America jumped on it—saving the whole region. But that grenade was exploded by… America! And that’s what you’ve got to understand about the Middle Easy. It is a tender box and we need nations to come in and explode them. Or something:

You know: the explosions that these outside powers create.

So what is the solution for Syria? Friedman claims that we should talk to Syria’s lawyer, which is Russia. (I swear I am not making that up.) Once we do that, we can set up a meeting with their CPA (Mongolia), cardiologist (Indonesia), and massage therapist (strangely, also Russia). Then, if necessarily, we can bring in their home decorator (Germany, of course), and change the colors to something more soothing. If none of that works, we’ll just bomb the fuckers.

Afterword

In all seriousness, what is up with Friedman? He was for the Iraq War. For years he promised that the following six months would be critical. Finally, he admitted that Iraq was a mess and the war was a mistake. How easily he forgets! Now he wants to rush into Syria? I used to think for all his nuttiness about globalization and all his war monger tendencies, he was still pretty smart when it comes to foreign policy. I was wrong. He is stupid and dangerous.