All Good Ducks Go To Heaven

The Good DuckThe Lester & Charlie Review send us to the Huffington Post and a story about the results of home schooling, New Zealand Teen Proclaims ‘Ducks Could Take Over The World’ If Gay Marriage Is Approved. But before I get to the letter, I want to tell you why it makes me so happy.

New Zealand! It’s not just us: there are ignorant and evil people in New Zealand too! In fact, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if such people exist in Canada. Now all those idiot conservatives can stop chanting, “We’re number one!” and start chanting, “We’re not the only one!”

Originally, Gawker grabbed the article from New Zealand’s Northern Outlook (but good luck trying to find the original article there). I have taken the time to transcribe this letter because I think it is important to demonstrate the way that conservative Christians think:

Ancient Behaviour

Homosexuality, including same-sex marriage, is not an enlightened idea. The Romans practiced homosexuality. Surely, after 2000 years, our level of intelligence should have evolved somewhat, so that we can pride ourselves on being cleverer than our forebears.

If homosexuality spreads, it can cause human evolution to come to a standstill. It could threaten the human position on the evolutionary ladder, as say, ducks, could take over the world. Ducks always nest in pairs, and if we allow same-sex marriage, then the ducks will have evolved further than we have. We will be in danger of all being equal with ducks more equal us. [sic.]

We should learn from history and not be suck with copying ancient behavior. The government has no right to bring up back to the stone age. I don’t want my children to have to compete with ducks. I want them to evolve further than I have. Any self-respecting human would aim for that too.

None of this really bears any weight for me, because I do not believe in evolution. However, the powers that be believe in evolution, and have made many decisions based on it. They should be consistent: If you believe in evolution, you can’t be in favour of homosexuality, or the ducks will get you in the end.

Jasmin Harrison
Homeschooled, Scargill

My first thought was (and almost always is) that this must be a hoax. But no. There is an article on 17 October Northern Outlook about all the attention the letter is getting. (Sorry, there is no direct link.) The reporter spoke to Mrs. Harrison, Jasmin’s mother, who “said her daughter was well spoken, but not outspoken, and was a committed Christian.”

PZ Myers over at Science Blog gives this letter all it deserves in terms of science. And history. And theology. It is this last part that I find most interesting. What I find troubling about conservatism generally, is how simplistic its world view is. By its thoughts, life is some kind of race to the top. There is a pinnacle that we reach. For economic conservatives, an unregulated capitalism is perfect. They can’t admit that things like inheritance and property rights are necessarily unnatural and unfair. (Note that what these people really pine for is a feudal system.)

For theological conservatives, the issue is even worse. For Christians, this means that the peak of thinking in this area occurred 2000 years ago. And this is what we get from young Jasmin in the form of an evolutionary “ladder.” By this thinking, the whole point of evolution was to create us. And going forward, evolution will improve us. If we don’t watch out and stop having butt sex, God will get mad and make the ducks the chosen species. Then, the whole purpose of the universe will be to improve the duck design. God won’t love us any more, and only good ducks will go to heaven.

Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet duck:
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!

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About Frank Moraes

Frank Moraes is a freelance writer and editor online and in print. He is educated as a scientist with a PhD in Atmospheric Physics. He has worked in climate science, remote sensing, throughout the computer industry, and as a college physics instructor. Find out more at About Frank Moraes.

0 thoughts on “All Good Ducks Go To Heaven

  1. I feel like I have to say something about this, but, well, I’ve been rendered speechless.

    Are you sure this isn’t a joke? If it’s not I fear for our species (even more so than usual).

  2. @Mack – The people at the NZ newspaper talked to the girl’s mother. It seems correct. Too often what I’ve thought was a joke, was real. I’m afraid that Billy Bob Neck is the exception.

  3. There was a major discovery made by the curator of the museum of natural history in Rotterdam proving there to be homosexual necrophilia in mallard ducks. It undermines her entire premise.

  4. @Jonathan – Thanks for the information! We can’t get enough information about homosexual necrophiliac ducks around here. For those interested, here is a [i]Guardian[/i] article:

    [url=]Necrophilia Among Ducks Ruffles Research Feathers[/url]

    I do, however, wish that newspapers would stop with the puns.

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