Please Get This Woman a Burka

Warning: The following commentary, and blatant example of internet bullying, may be offensive to some readers (specifically, Kenneth W. Krause).

In a recent e-mail to news anchor Jennifer Livingston, Kenneth W. Krause stalwartly addressed Jennifer’s outrageous obesity and calling on her to be a better example for impressionable young girls who watch the early morning news – girls, I assume, like Krause’s own pudgeball daughter. What father wouldn’t try to spare his little girl from the nightmare of body fat? Like Olive’s dad in Little Miss Sunshine, Krause just wants girls to keep in mind the ancient adage: a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.

To stand up to the elephant on the TV takes a man of some kind of character. His thoughtful attempt to expose the grotesque error of Jennifer’s lifestyle was the sort of humanitarian gesture that would make Don Imus or Rush Limbaugh harden up with pride. Mister Krause, with his huge, socially-stunted balls, went so far as to call her out for choosing to maintain the disgusting habit of chewing tobacco – I mean the disgusting habit of being an affront to the universal idea of female beauty. And in the public eye too!

Behind her brave facade, Jennifer must certainly have been cut to the quick by Mister Krause’s words: seeking his approval is the only reason she gets out of bed every morning. Why else does any woman go on living if not to forage in the brutal wilderness of our society for even a meager compliment? If just one person you pass on the street finds you unattractive, you might as well stay inside and become a snarky blogger. I shudder to think that the guy behind the counter at Arby’s might look at me and think, “If she lost a few of pounds and combed her hair, I might hit that.”

Fortunately, “there’s no accounting for taste” is also true. Even I might be considered alluring, depending on the lighting and whether the beholder is wearing his glasses. Personally, I don’t see myself as beautiful or sexy. My husband tells me I’m beautiful and I believe him because there are no other women in the room.

I can only imagine the sort of Adonis Mister Krause must certainly be. I mean, people in glass houses… am I right? He was probably born an average-looking kind of guy before he was transformed into the god of all things beautiful. I’ve found an artist’s rendition of what Mister Krause may have looked like before becoming the guiding light of pulchritude:

Kenneth W. Krause

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