I’ll just come right out and say it: it is hard to talk about penises without a lot of unintentional puns. See what I mean? And frankly, I don’t like the whole subject. I don’t like biology; I find it disgusting. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it all the time.
This morning, I wrote the following poem:
Every time I defecate
I think of Charles Darwin
I wonder how an enzyme
Went on to create Carmen.
Clearly, I am a weakling. Human biology makes me run and hide.
The Incredible Shrinking Penis
Luckily, we have strong men to look out for the health of the species. Jessica Valenti tells the story:
Rush Limbaugh is worried about penises. Specifically, he’s concerned that feminists (I’m sorry, “feminazis”) have contributed to decreasing penis size. Responding to an Italian study that reports penises are 10 percent smaller than they were fifty years ago, last week Limbaugh pointed to feminism, feminazis, and “chickification” as the cause.
Ladies, the cat is out of the bag. Our cover of fighting for equal social, political, and economic opportunities for women has been blown. The phallus has always been the centerpiece — and the target — of all feminist thought. The upside is that we can finally be open about our true agenda: A small dick on every man. (‘Cause who likes a big one, amirite?!)
Apparently, Limbaugh gets his science from ChaCha.com, in a little feature they call Weirdest Scientific Discoveries, but which I’m calling, “Shit they just made up because they were on deadline and most weird scientific discoveries do not involve penises.” They link to no paper, but they do claim, “Male genitalia are roughly 10 percent smaller today than they were 50 years ago.” [Emphasis in original!]
It makes me think. What if there really is such a study? Was it longitudinal? (I kill myself!) Did they really measure penises the same 50 years ago as they do now? Aren’t men more likely to allow their penises to be measured now? And maybe men are just fatter now and it only appears that their penises have shrunk. So many questions! So much conjecture! Ain’t science grand?
Regardless, Jessica Valenti has a theory about the winky shrinky: it’s all the tofu you girls are forcing us to eat. Could be. I’m sure Rush is on the case.
To make up for this article, Julia Migenes as Carmen:
I feel better. But I can’t speak for my penis.
Update (1 October 2012 11:39—Yes, I need to fix my posting dates!)
File this under “Why the world is fucked up!” I just checked Julia Migenes on Twitter and she has only 14 followers. Of course, this may have something to do with the fact that she has never tweeted. But her picture is there, so it must be her. She has a nice website though.