The Commercial Crapper

One need not be a follower of Nostradamus or Pat “Crazy Bastard” Robertson to know that we are heading toward, not a mere 1,000 years of darkness, but the very end of civilization itself. Some will argue that Western society began it’s decline in the psychodelic 1960s, while others mark the hedonism of the 1920s Jazz Age as the point where the scales tipped away from decency to descent into hell. I suspect Madonna’s 1984 MTV Awards performance was the death knell for tasteful entertainment.

Today, thanks to television, radio, and social media, the world can giggle its ass off while society swirls down the toilet. I could go into further detail by pointing at our brilliant 24-hour spew cycle, or cable television diversions such as Call of the Wildman and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child, or even Extreme Narcissism: It’s ALL About Me! Not today. Today I want to point my disapproving glare at television commercials. I hate them all – with the exception of the 1 out of 500 that make me laugh. Those I can tolerate. Here are a couple of examples of commercials that I find insulting, crass, and even worse, typical.

Let’s start with Liquid-Plumr Double Impact.

I shudder to think of the commercial concepts that were rejected in favor of this retarded attempt at tongue-in-cheek humor. First of all, let’s address the issue of the unkempt, harried, and apparently delusional housewife. Have I ever used Liquid-Plumr? Yes. I have, on rare occasions, used this vile, environmentally toxic goo rather than cope with removing slimy, nasty filth from a pea trap. Have I ever gone to the grocery store looking like someone who needed to shop one last time before killing myself? You bet. Have I ever read the words “Double Impact” and then fantasized about two brawny gay men showing up at my door offering to “snake my drain” and “flush my pipe”? Never.

The logical conclusion is that the commercial was written by a gay man with the subtle humor of a 13-year-old boy. Does he really think that there are a sad gaggle of neglected, undersexed housewives trolling the aisles of shopping stores and whose every thought is a double entrendre? How many women, outside of Kentucky, find drain snaking and pipe cleaning are sexually titillating?

In conclusion, I found this piece of portfolio-filling crap to be stupid and insulting at the same time. Even if Liquid-Plumr makes a product that is as useful as a plunger and as gentle as baby tears, I won’t buy it.

My second commercial complaint is with an Axe dropping entitled, “Office Love”. While I have yet to see any commercial for ANY Axe product in which the tagline, Made by and for douche bags, would be inappropriate, this one is particularly puerile.

The soundtrack doesn’t help. No offense to Daniel Johnston, but his song “Love Will Find You In The End”, while charming in a grating way, sounds like something Droopy Dog would have on his iPod.

What brilliant advertising genius said, “You know what would be awesome? To have Cousin It’s dwarf cousin pining for a pair of boobs with feet! It might be a little oblique until the romantic ending and we’ll ad the tagline, ‘HAIR. IT’S WHAT GIRLS SEE FIRST’ so the dumb asses will get it.” From that we can draw the already well-established conclusion that “Boobs. They’re what guys notice first”. Unless they’re ass men, but that would make for a really gross ad.

The soundtrack doesn’t help. No offense to Daniel Johnston, but his song “Love Will Find You In The End”, while sweet in a grating way, sounds like something Droopy Dog would have on his iPod. Had the characters been complete human beings throughout the commercial, it could have been a rather charming ad.

So forget sense of humor, intelligence, thoughtfulness, and a nice smile. For guys who were gypped in the genetic lottery, no worries! Slather yourself in lounge lizard slime and the girls won’t even notice.

These are just a couple of examples of the low-brow humor, profligate commercialism, and unabashed assaults on self-esteem that cause me to despair for the remnants of our pathetic civilization.

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About Frank Moraes

Frank Moraes is a freelance writer and editor online and in print. He is educated as a scientist with a PhD in Atmospheric Physics. He has worked in climate science, remote sensing, throughout the computer industry, and as a college physics instructor. Find out more at About Frank Moraes.

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