Sex Tonight


There are two bits of sex in the news that I think I had better address. Because, you know, I’m normally the person people seek out when they have questions about sex.

Is That a Gun in Your Pocket, Jonah?

The first is the man with the world’s largest penis. Jonah Falcon, the man with said penis, was stopped at the San Francisco International Airport by TSA agents for the bulge in his pants. Apparently, there was no foreign object in his pants; it was all him.

According to Falcon, he was not erect. What’s more, his flaccid penis is so large that he has to strap it to his left leg. Frankly, I feel sorry for the guy, but he seems to be very happy with all the attention he is receiving.

The folks at The Young Turks had a very funny discussion of it. (Sorry, the link is gone.) I thought that Ana Kasparian made some excellent points, but probably just because she said more or less what I thought and more or less what I want to think women ought to think about all this.

I have a few questions:

  • At 13 inches, is the penis ever truly erect? Isn’t the torque on it so large that it droops down? Would this not be something of a turn off to a sexual partner who wants to feel that they are exciting Mr Falcon?
  • I assume that the extra length goes along with a larger girth; does that mean that fellatio is out?
  • Is any woman’s vagina 13 inches deep? Doesn’t this mean that coitus could be dangerous—like jamming a pole into the vagina? And doesn’t this mean that there would be little bodily contact—especially clitoral contact?

I don’t mean to be excessively graphic or analytical, but these are the questions that come to my mind.

I would think that the guy might well be able to attract a large number of lovers who would be into sex with him for the thrill of it — just like they might want to do a bungee jump once. But I would think this guy would have to possess other characteristics to make a lover stick around.

With all due respect to everyone involved, Mr Falcon would seem to be very similar to a hermaphrodite: a person who wants to be in a long-term relationship with one of them would either love them despite their physical characteristics or because the person had a fetish.

I would prefer the former. At this point in my life, I would hope that anyone would love me despite my body, not because of it. And would have to be the case!

Is That a Gun in Your Pocket, Fred?

Fred Willard was arrested at a porn theater in Hollywood. Frankly, who cares? I have a hell of a lot more respect for that than I do for drunk drivers.

But according to The Sacramento Bee, Larry Flynt has offered Willard a free online subscription for Hustler. He said, “We think Fred should join millions of others and enjoy porn in the privacy of his own home, and, what better way to do that than with a free subscription to our popular Website?”

I think that’s a fine offer. I hope Willard takes him up on that. Fred Willard could be a serial killer and I would still always love him for Fernwood 2Night:

Image cropped from Image of a Clear Dildo by Nzdilf under CC BY-SA 4.0.

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About Frank Moraes

Frank Moraes is a freelance writer and editor online and in print. He is educated as a scientist with a PhD in Atmospheric Physics. He has worked in climate science, remote sensing, throughout the computer industry, and as a college physics instructor. Find out more at About Frank Moraes.

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