My friend Toni told me about a recent dream. She was driving in her car with John Waters, the iconoclastic creator of such films as Pink Flamingos and Serial Mom. This was very exciting for Toni, because she really likes him. Maybe because of this or maybe just because it is what anyone would do while chauffeuring John Waters, she crashed the car in through the front window of a neighbor’s house. Then she jumped out of the car pointing at Waters. “Look!” she said, “John Waters!”

This contrasts with my dreams. The most common motif says a great deal about me. I am walking down the street. But the street gets steeper and steeper until I am grabbing onto the street to keep from sliding off. This probably goes along with constant fear that I’m going to fall up. To this day, I can’t lie on my back and look up to the sky. It makes me anxious.

Dreams say a lot about you. Toni’s shows that she is a well adjusted person. And mine shows that I am FUBAR. Apparently people know this too. Celebrities never appear in my dreams.