I’ve decided to vote for Rick Santorum. The thing is, I just can’t manage my life. I don’t know who to fuck, where to fuck them, and how. So Santorum is my man. He’ll tell me how to live my life. And isn’t that what we all want: a government that looks out for the rights of corporations but greatly limits the rights of individuals? After all: corporations create jobs and we’ll need a lot of them to support all of our children.

We all know that the the road to tyranny runs directly through tax dollars spent on libraries and schools. No country ever had its liberties taken away by a government investing huge amounts of money on a military. We have nothing to fear from the militarization of our police forces. We have everything to fear from public intellectuals and women who want to have sex without getting pregnant.

So please Rick Santorum: save me from myself! Save us all! But don’t do it in a way that makes our lives easier. Get rid of any government programs that provide a safety net. That way, we can all grow to be strong and self-reliant as we work 80 hours per week to support constantly growing family.

But if Rich Santorum isn’t available, any other Republican will do as well.