The Election of 1800 Transformed to 2012

Michael AustinI’m going to make some predictions about the election between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. And the first thing I’m going to predict is that the election is going to get nastier. I’m going to predict that they’re going to call each other names — lots of names. Both of these gentlemen have supporters who honestly believe that if the other guy wins, America as we know it will cease to exist. And I am going to predict that they say this with increasing drama and increasing frequency and increasing histrionics — that Mitt Romney should definitely not be president but neither should Barack Obama. Barack Obama, in fact, has ruined this country. And if he’s elected again, this country will not survive. So who should you vote for: Joe Biden. And he’s going to publicly convince people to write in “Joe Biden” and millions of people are going to do it — to the point where nobody’s going to be sure if Joe Biden or Barack Obama is running for president. Which, of course, means that the Romney-Ryan ticket is going to sail to victory. Bear with me — it could happen.

After the election, I predict that Paul Ryan is going to decide that really he should be president. He’s going to get it in his head that vice-presidents can quickly become president. And he’s going to stage in the the electoral college a coup and get them to elect him instead of Mitt Romney. Now all the Republicans are going to know that Mitt Romney is their candidate, so they’re going to vote for Mitt Romney. But all the Democrats are going to see it as a chance to stick it to Mitt Romney. They’re going to support Ryan. Well who are they going to call in? Bill Clinton, of course! Bear with me. I know I’m out on a limb here. But this could happen.

Bill Clinton is going to say, “Well, Romney is a disaster, but he’s an honest disaster. This guy Ryan is a dishonest disaster, so you should vote for Romney.” And Bill Clinton is going to make Romney the next President of the United States! And Paul Ryan is going to get so mad that he’s going to shoot him and kill him. And as soon as he kills him, he’s going to come back on the very next day and preside at the impeachment of Sonia Sotomayor, who of course is going to be impeached because she lambasted Mitt Romney from the bench. How many of you think that’s going to happen?

Because that’s what happened in 1800…

—Michael Austin
Newman University lecture about his book That’s Not What They Meant!

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