Sex Scandal Highlights War

The OnionWASHINGTON—As they scoured the Internet for more juicy details about former CIA director David Petraeus’ affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, Americans were reportedly horrified today upon learning that a protracted, bloody war involving U.S. forces is currently raging in the nation of Afghanistan. “Oh my God, this is terrible,” Allie Lipscomb, 29, said after accidentally stumbling on an article about the war while she tried to ascertain details about what specific sexual acts Petraeus and Broadwell might have engaged in. “According to this, 2,000 American troops have died, 18,000 have been wounded, and more than 20,000 civilians have been killed. Jesus Christ. And it’s been happening for, like, 11 years.” Sources confirmed that after reading a few paragraphs about the brutal war, the nation quickly became distracted by a headline about Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash’s alleged sexual abuse of a 16-year-old boy.

The Onion, 13 Nov 2012

For the record, Kevin Clash’s accuser has recanted. We don’t cotton to loose gossip about puppeteers around here!

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About Frank Moraes

Frank Moraes is a freelance writer and editor online and in print. He is educated as a scientist with a PhD in Atmospheric Physics. He has worked in climate science, remote sensing, throughout the computer industry, and as a college physics instructor. Find out more at About Frank Moraes.

0 thoughts on “Sex Scandal Highlights War

  1. I didn’t know about what happened to Kevin Clash. That’s terrible, because those things can follow you, even when you’re proven innocent. I’m glad the dude recanted, because in today’s culture, he would’ve been convicted by the public long before a trial, were one ever to take place. Accusation equals guilt to many people in America.

    It’s a shame because Kevin Clash has done a lot of good, and I wonder if this will prevent him from working with Sesame Street in the future.

  2. @Mack – Who knows? It is a shame. For some people he is already convicted because he’s gay which is pretty much the definition of child molester.

  3. [quote]For some people he is already convicted because he’s gay which is pretty much the definition of child molester.[/quote]

    That’s what I was thinking, because now his sexual orientation is out in the open. Do you know if he was previously openly gay, or did this situation "out" him? It’s stupid that he and his career should suffer because he is a homosexual, but being that he works in children’s television, and knowing the prevalence of vitriolic hatred and fear of homosexuality in the US, it may very well irreparably damage his career. After all, the stupid, hateful and ignorant always seem to speak the loudest.

    I have deep sympathy for him, because I can imagine being in a situation where you can see in the eyes of your friends and families distrust and suspicion. You could see in their eyes that they’re wondering, "Is he really a child rapist?" (or whatever you might be accused of).

    One of my biggest fears is being wrongly accused or convicted. I read these stories of people being exonerated many years, sometimes decades after being convicted and sentenced for crimes that they did not commit. It always makes me wonder how many people have spent their entire lives in prison, are still in prison, or who have been executed for another’s crime(s) and never had the opportunity to clear their names.

  4. @Mack – I know that he was once married. I don’t know what he called himself either openly or not. I tend to think it won’t hurt his career, but it might change it. Most people probably think puppeteers are gay anyway.

    Regarding crime: eyewitness testimony is really bad and sends people to jail (and death) all the time. When the eyewitness is a child: watch out. That’s why I avoid leaving the house.

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