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Apr 01

New Patriotic Sports Salute To “All Our Heroes”

Target Field Salutes Other HeroesWith every professional sporting event becoming a tribute to the heroes that keep the American Empire running, the Minnesota Twins have announced that they will be hosting “Salute Our Additional Heroes Nights” this season.

Previously, the team and many others in American sports have honored military veterans with in-game ceremonies, camo-themed caps, and napalm sticks for the kids.

Twins GM Terry Ryan said, “We want to acknowledge how keeping America safe from constant threat to corporate profits isn’t merely the work of men and women and men in uniform. It’s time for millions of unrecognized heroes to get their due.”

Accordingly, the promotional theme will involve tributes to several different aspects of protecting Our Homeland.

A special feature will be “Building, Then Destroying, Then Building, Then Destroying Tomorrow.” It will involve Twins players wearing uniforms fitted with military-contractor logos.

As a shout-out our men and women and men in intelligence agencies, the “Kiss Cam” will eschew live video for recorded intel of couples copulating when they thought the camera eye on phone, tablet, or laptop was turned off. As General Keith Alexander described the hilarious concept, “Your devices are never really turned off, and your love for a great partner can always be turned on!” When questioned about the legality of the practice, he responded, “Freedom!”

A special feature will be “Building, Then Destroying, Then Building, Then Destroying Tomorrow.” It will involve Twins players wearing uniforms fitted with military-contractor logos. Lockheed-Martin, Raytheon, Boeing, and six other prominent patriotic corporations will each have one Twin guiding a remote-controlled drone aircraft hovering around fans in the stands to contribute whatever they can afford. The contributions and mini-drones will converge on the pitcher’s mound, be doused with lighter fluid, and burned, during a rousing sing-along to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless The USA.”

Finally, there will be a tribute to popular military-themed video games, where enthusiastic gamers can roam Target Field’s outfield wearing virtual-reality headsets and experience, for the first time, the thrill of being shot in the face by actual guns. Twins president Dave St Peter would not confirm or deny a rumor that a dozen members of Gamergate will attend via video to cheer on the spectacle, safe from any women who might hurt their feelings.

Fans who paid money to watch skilled entertainers perform feats of incredible precision are predicted to sit through this promotion and mutter, “That’s just how we are now.”

The Twins plan to “Salute Our Additional Heroes” on every day not already allotted to customary military tributes such as Memorial Day, 4th Of July, Veterans Day, April Fools, Labor Day, Arbor Day, National Dentists-Want-You-To-Floss Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and days of the week ending in the letter “y.”

Answering criticisms about how professional sports teams were inadequately celebrating America and Goodness and Stuff, Ryan said “We’re working on it. We can always do more to honor those who protect us from dirty, filthy, inhuman… you know who I mean.”

See Also

Seagullible
Ayman al-Zawahiri at TED
Miracle Reagan Toast Discovered
Zombie Reagan 2016

8 comments

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  1. Elizabeth

    I don’t have a very good sense of humor since most of this wasn’t funny to me.

    :-(

    1. Frank Moraes

      It’s not supposed to be funny ha-ha. It’s social satire. It’s also James’ cry for help, “Can’t we just watch the frigging game?!”

      Also, do you know the poem, Napalm Sticks to Kids? You can read about it on Wikipedia. It’s touching and horrible.

      1. Elizabeth

        Oy, I am going back to math class.

        1. Frank Moraes

          Was that a literal statement. I like that the military was not able to destroy all the humanity in these young men.

    2. James Fillmore

      No worries! It wouldn’t be funny to most people. Although I thought you might enjoy the line FM added about Gamergate. (I don’t even know what that is, but I can well imagine!)

      Baseball fans will also get the other FM line about “sticks.” In 2002 the Anaheim Angels gave their fans inflatable lightsabers they could bang together to make noise and called them “Thundersticks.” It’s been a promotional gimmick at ballparks ever since.

      The unfunny lines are mine. Your response reminds me of my brother (who still doesn’t know I wrote it) complaining about the CIA website post I sent him. “It’s not accurate!” You gotta know your audience.

      1. Frank Moraes

        Oh, just stop it, James! The piece is yours. It is a trivial matter to add little bits to a solid piece.

        My reference, however, was not to the thundersticks, but that’s great. When I was a boy, we went to see the Giants quite a lot. It was quite cheap back then. Anyway, they had “bat days” where they gave out little souvenir bats to all the kids. So that was what I was thinking of. My memory of going to Giants games was that they were only about 25% filled. Of course, that was in the huge Candlestick Park that they are now demolishing to put up condos.

        1. James Fillmore

          That’s sad about Candlestick. One thing about the old stadiums; the seats might have been crappy, but the fans had a good time. I remember being in the Metrodome with, at best, 10000 people when an opposing pitcher made a fake move to home plate and all 10000 screamed “BALK!” at once. To get 25000 in the fancy shmancy new Twins stadium to yell anything all together, the LED screens and sound system would have to flash “HIT” and still half the hipsters there wouldn’t know what the word meant.

          1. Frank Moraes

            I have to admit, I prefer AT&T Park. It’s more cozy. But I can only afford pre-season ($1 and $5) games. The regular season games are ridiculously expensive. But I’ve heard there is a minor league team around and I’d like to check that out. It’s the game I like. I don’t need to see the very best. Everyone in A-Advanced is better at baseball than I’ve ever been at anything at all.

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