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Sep 22

Some Serious Advice About G-Spots and Scrotum

G-Spot

Men, have you been embarrassed that you couldn’t find your woman’s G-spot? Women, have you been embarrassed about having such a clueless man? Fear not! Yet another study has come out that shows that the G-Spot is a myth. You see, ever since German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg “discovered” the human equivalent of El Dorado, scientists have had as hard a time finding it as conscientious husbands have.

It isn’t that there is nothing to the old G-spot. Anna Pulley provides all the details in a very funny article at Salon, The Truth About the “G-spot”: Why it’s Time to Put This Sex Myth to Bed. But the news is not all good. For those of you who still have a hard time pronouncing the word “clitoris,” we have an even worse phrase: “clitourethrovaginal complex.”

I know what you’re thinking, “Holy lady parts, Batman!” Indeed. I share the awe that is the complexity of the female sexy sex thingity thing. And it isn’t just sex. Women are generally complex. Boys realize this at a very young age, although I must admit that it probably doesn’t speak so much to the complexity of girls as the simplicity of boys. Regardless, it is not at all surprising that women would have a “complex” down there and men would just have a penis.

KuatoSpeaking of that, let’s talk about the scrotum for a moment. Much of the human body is ugly, but nothing is as ugly as the scrotum. Now you would have thought after all this time, evolution would have produced a more attractive scrotum. Women would have seen a man naked, noticed his hideous scrotum and run away. This would have put evolutionary pressure on the scrotum, allowing men with slightly less disgusting scrotum to have produced sons with slightly less disgusting scrotum until it looks at least slightly more attractive than Kuato.

But this hasn’t happened for a very good reason. Most women, despite their complexity, are not interested in getting anywhere near the scrotum. But for those women who are, I have some news for you: men are not interested in you getting anywhere near their scrotum. The scrotum is not an erogenous zone. It is just this very awkward evolutionary solution to keeping sperm cool enough that they don’t die. And the price we pay for this is having a couple of fragile testicles hanging off our bodies. Don’t touch them or lick them or whatever. For God’s sake don’t suck on them! But if we are trying to rape or otherwise harm you, kick them or squeeze them very hard. If we are being nice, however, just stay the hell away and don’t mention how hideous they are!

Anyway, because no one is interested in learning to say “clitourethrovaginal complex,” there is a handy acronym: CUV. In consists of the “vagina, clitoris, and urethra.” This new word comes to us from Emmanuele Jannini, an endocrinologist from Italy. But isn’t that just like a man to reduce sex to nerve endings and body parts? The truth is that sex isn’t really about that. At least in my experience. It’s primarily a brain thing — like vomiting. (Ever wonder why you continue to vomit even when there is nothing to vomit?) In fact, it is well established that many men can bring a woman to orgasm just by leaving the house and never coming back.

The sad thing about this G-spot myth is that apparently, a lot of women have gone into therapy because they couldn’t have one of those crushing G-spot orgasms that they were reading about in the “Pictures Not Making You Feel Inadequate Enough?” column in Cosmopolitan. But it turns out most women just don’t have enough sensation in that part of the body to get much out of it. Anna Pulley humorously refers to the act as “attempting sign language in our partner’s vaginas.” The same thing has to do with the vaginal orgasm. The 25% of woman who can have them have “thicker tissue between the vagina and urethra.” People are built differently.

Thus, once again, I would like to give a plug for masturbation. Don’t get me wrong: sex is great. Interacting with another human being in a very intimate way is wonderful and necessary. But it is not the best way to generate orgasms. I’m for uncoupling sex from orgasms. No woman can ever come close to pleasing me in that way as much as I can myself. And I think that’s true of everyone. When we worry about other people’s orgasms, we get lost in this nonsense about how the orgasm is produced. And we already know the best way to produce an orgasm for ourselves. And we will never know the best way to do it for someone else — regardless of how much we study the CUV.

4 comments

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  1. John H.

    I’ve been reading your site for a few years now and it always satisfies. Anyway, this is the funniest thing of yours that I’ve read! Keep up the good work, Frank. You may have more Canadian fans than you realize…

    1. Frank Moraes

      Thank you! Actually, I do know I get a fair amount of traffic from Canada and they tend to hang around more than other countries. Canada is also one of my 100% spamming-bastards-free countries: Spam Geography at Frankly Curious. But that’s just because you all are so interested in g-spots!

  2. Ali

    I disagree with the last paragraph: I can never please myself as well as my husband can please me. He is an expert in generating my orgasms.

    1. Frank Moraes

      Well, my article is cheeky. But on the issue of masturbation, I’m fairly serious. Certainly there are cases where people experience better orgasms with another person. And I have known women who find masturbation kind of disgusting. The main thing is: whatever works for you. But when people put themselves into therapy because they aren’t built the same as others, we need to change our thinking. I’ve known women who can have orgasms with breast petting alone. That’s great for them! But women who can’t have orgasms with their breasts or their vaginas shouldn’t not fell bad, any more than I should feel bad that I’m a terrible basketball player.

      I just want everyone to understand that they are perfectly fine the way they were built.

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