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BuzzFeed Unwritten Rules (29 Oct 2013 04:35pm)
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WTF. What a Way to Ruin a Beer! (28 Oct 2013 03:54pm)
If you’re looking for something with a nice blend of weirdness and a package certain to catch the eyes of your guests, try getting your hands on Brewdog’s “The End of History,” a 50 percent ABV beer released in 2010 that sold for the absurd price of $765. But you weren’t just paying for potency at ...
Nathan Phelps, Survivor (25 Oct 2013 11:43am)
Frank commented on one of my last posts and informed me that Shirley Phelps-Roper's brother, Nate, is now an atheist. That makes me feel better. Rational thought and escape are possible. According to the only source on the Internet: Nathan "Nate" Phelps is an American-born Canadian author, LGBT rig...
God Hates You (25 Oct 2013 10:38am)
God wants you to know that He seriously hates your guts. His self-proclaimed "evil angels" at WBC just thought you should know. ...
I Think Your Bible is Broken (25 Oct 2013 07:52am)
Reading comprehension is not encouraged at Westboro Baptist Church... Proverbs 6:16–19 There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him [because the Bible tells me so]: haughty eyes [arrogance], a lying tongue [saying gays are evil, etc.], hands that shed innocent ...
America's Most Hated Family Update (24 Oct 2013 07:29pm)
BBC's Louis Theroux had the stomach, once more, to talk with batshit crazy Shirley Phelps, her unfortunate children, and the seriously fucked up Westboro Baptist Church in his documentary, America's Most Hated Family in Crisis. If only Shirley Phelps could keep her crazy to herself rather than pois...
Shirley Phelps and Her War on Sanity (24 Oct 2013 06:01pm)
As a sentient citizen of the U.S., I am well aware of Westboro Baptist Church and the appalling, vicious hatred of its "ministry." In this country that they scream God hates because of gay people, they are allowed, by law, to publicly propagate their twisted version of Christianity. That's the pric...
Ricky Gervais NEVER Sleeps (24 Oct 2013 03:25pm)
I don't suppose it's a secret (or important for that matter), that Ricky Gervais is one of the five people on the planet that I would pay to be stuck in an elevator with. Recently he tweeted something like "hard work never killed anyone, but why risk it." To which I responded, "What if you're only s...
Louis CK: Jesus Christ! (24 Oct 2013 09:21am)
I'm not a fan of the animation style (sorry! Atheist Comedy), but I enjoy the comedy of truth. ...
Maria Bamford: Workplace Hostility (24 Oct 2013 08:27am)
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Guns Are Not Sexy! Guns Are Sexy! (23 Oct 2013 02:16pm)
Doublethink again. As Frank pointed out in his post Police Oversight and Dead Children, "Our society is all about guns; men are supposed to like them; boys are supposed to play with fake ones. I wish it weren't so. But it is wrong for a society to tell a boy in a million ways that guns are cool and ...
A Number of Very Bad Choices (23 Oct 2013 01:35pm)
In yet another accidental shooting here in the U.S., a child is dead simply because someone who had no business having a gun in the first place, left it lying within easy reach of a child. So today, a 5-year-old boy is dead in a tragedy that was, as a chief deputy astutely observed, "avoidable." Of ...
Redneck Patriotism (23 Oct 2013 12:25pm)
This image and accompanying text are from a multi-forwarded email that I received this morning. This Guy Had The Guts To Put This On The Internet. There are people in my life whom I love in spite of our vast political and religious differences. (I feel a little like Diana Nyad dealing with Oprah ...
Maria Bamford's "Ask My Mom!" (22 Oct 2013 06:13pm)
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French the Rainbow (22 Oct 2013 06:00pm)
Funny or gross? I'll decide. It's gross. Gross and stupid....
Fighting Fire with Fire (22 Oct 2013 05:46pm)
According to a CNN, a survey of the nation's teachers indicates that "nearly three-fourths of the nation's teachers say they personally would not bring a firearm to their school if allowed, but most educators believe armed guards would improve campus safety." If we truly want to keep our children...
From the No Shit Sherlock Files (22 Oct 2013 10:56am)
Marijuanna is safer than alcohol. It's true. There are actual, scientific reasons why you can get a doctor's prescription for marijuana but not bourbon. That so many people are more deeply disturbed by someone smoking marijuana than they are by children accidentally shooting themselves is truly b...
On a Lighter Note (22 Oct 2013 10:23am)
7 Things You Might Not Know About Calvin and Hobbes Watterson to Spielberg and Lucas: Thanks, but no thanks. [Good news!] Calvin and Hobbes...and Robotman? [Robotman was actually very funny.] The Complete Collection isn't quite complete. [Are you serious? I paid a lot of money for the complete co...
Gun News (22 Oct 2013 07:57am)
People throughout this country enjoy their constitutional right to bear arms, armed with an arsenal of reasons why they aren't to be blamed when someone gets shot and killed. I would not deny anyone their right to have a gun if that's what makes them feel safe or manly or free or whatever the hell g...
Don't Boast and Post! (21 Oct 2013 02:56pm)
The Boy Scouts of America are all about faith and respect (except for gays and nature). UPDATE: Boasted, Posted and Busted...
Do Atheists Care What Oprah Thinks? (21 Oct 2013 02:29pm)
Apparently they do. Did you know that it isn't only religious zealots who live in a chronic state of twisted panties? Even some atheists have hair-trigger offense mechanisms that one would normally associate with Fox news people. It is a mental state in which some ignorant bastard's offhand comments...
Bill Watterson Interview (20 Oct 2013 05:59pm)
I found this excerpt of a Mental Floss interview with Bill Watterson. Check out Mr Watterson's college-era work....
God Doesn't Have a Sense of Humor (19 Oct 2013 08:39am)
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Good Movie (18 Oct 2013 04:37pm)
I just finished watching If I Were You, a charming movie about Madelyn, a middle-aged woman who discovers her husband is having an affair with a young European woman. Then a bunch of stuff happens and soon after her mother passes away. It's much lighter than it sounds. The only reason I'm even men...
On This Day in History: October 18 (18 Oct 2013 01:32pm)
1867 The United States took formal possession of Alaska from Russia. [Two places I will probably never see, and I'm okay with that.] 1892 The first long-distance telephone line between New York and Chicago was officially opened (it could only handle one call at a time). [Kind of like AT&T today.]...
Someone Turns 21 Today! (18 Oct 2013 09:24am)
On this day twenty-one years ago, my one and only son, emerged into the world and posed for his one and only mug shot. Today he is a bona fide man, planning his very first beer run. He will not be drinking and then driving as he has more sense than his mother used to. To clarify, I do not drink an...
The Problem with Religion (17 Oct 2013 05:34pm)
The memory of my own suffering has prevented me from ever shadowing one young soul with the superstition of the Christian religion.—Elizabeth Cady Stanton ...
Welcome, the Patron Saint of Comedy! (17 Oct 2013 04:49pm)
I think Catholicism may be the most OCD religion in the world. I know, with the rosaries and Hail Mary's and huddled masses it isn't shocking, but that they have so many, very specific saints is pathological. For example, Saint Genesius of Rome, the Patron Saint of Comedians.[1] He must have kille...
Saint Sebastian, Patron Saint of Sports (17 Oct 2013 01:32pm)
Catholics seem to have a saint for every occasion. Today we are taking a look at Saint Sebastian, Patron Saint of Sports of sorts.[1] My religious background having been in the protestant camp, I know very little about saints (other than Francis of Assissi), so I knew nothing of Saint Sebastian. To...
I Like to Keep Things in Perspective (17 Oct 2013 08:21am)
I find this oddly comforting. My triumphs (learning to walk, etc.), my colossal failures (let's not get into that right now), all my hopes and dreams — pretty much everything that keeps me awake at night — are insignificant. No need to worry about nothing....
OMG! Create Your Own God (17 Oct 2013 07:53am)
Finally, intelligent design! Mix and match your own gods with our OMG magnetic dress up set and turn your refrigerator into a shrine. Includes the following mix-and-match gods: God (Judeo-Christian-Islamic) Ganesha Neolithic Goddess Cocijo Tlinglit Eagle Jesus Flying Spaghetti Monster Burning Bus...
St Sebastian: A Stitcher's Little Helper (17 Oct 2013 07:18am)
On yet another circuitous route to a point of interest I have yet to find, I found a truly useful martyr. Personally, I'd rather not have him forever suffering and relentlessly judging me as I sew together some little trifle to brighten up a chair, but I'm weird that way. But it gets even better!...
Early For Halloween, But... (16 Oct 2013 03:40pm)
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Maria Bamford's Publicist Responded! (16 Oct 2013 01:39pm)
I wonder if this puts me within six degrees of Kevin Bacon? Hi Andrea, Yes, you may send non-lethal mail to Maria at: Maria Bamford c/o Omnipop Talent Group 4605 Lankershim Blvd. Suite 201 Toluca Lake, CA 91602 Best, Jess Jess Guinivan VP, Publicity Omnipop Talent Group www.omnipop.com...
You Should Listen to Your Cat (16 Oct 2013 12:09pm)
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If You're Bored Then You're Boring (16 Oct 2013 10:16am)
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Maria Bamford (16 Oct 2013 09:31am)
I like Maria Bamford. She seems like a nice person who's trying really hard to keep it together. Her quirky humor gives off a vague aura of discomfort that I can easily relate to. Even her voice sounds a bit strangled and slightly panicked, as if she's standing up at bird fetish meeting for the firs...
You Say Jesus, I Say Jebus (15 Oct 2013 08:47am)
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Think Happy Thoughts (14 Oct 2013 03:37pm)
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A Little Bit About My Journey to Atheism (14 Oct 2013 01:59pm)
Atheism has been on my mind a lot lately. Partly because it keeps popping up in SPAN (stuff-passing-as-news) and in some part because it's an interesting distraction from aspects of life that have me at a standstill. In brief, here's how I came to be an atheist. My mother occasionally raised my br...
This Changes Everything! (14 Oct 2013 10:32am)
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Trust Issues (14 Oct 2013 09:56am)
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What a Friend We Have in Jesus (14 Oct 2013 09:49am)
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Does God Really Have a Plan for You? (14 Oct 2013 09:06am)
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Forget Your Bucket List! (13 Oct 2013 03:18pm)
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The Greeks Were So Gullible (13 Oct 2013 03:08pm)
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From Conception, God Loves Children (13 Oct 2013 02:34pm)
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Baby Goes Gay (12 Oct 2013 01:40pm)
The Onion • ISSUE 49•22 EDMOND, OK—Following weeks of deliberation during which he carefully considered what sort of life he wanted for himself, 4-month-old baby Nathan Reynolds announced Wednesday that he had decided to be homosexual. “I thought about it for a long time,” said Reynolds, who took...
Creationism vs Evolution (11 Oct 2013 01:51pm)
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Atheist Faith Eaters! (11 Oct 2013 08:14am)
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It's a Christian Thing (10 Oct 2013 01:09pm)
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Atheist Among Us (10 Oct 2013 07:57am)
According to CNN's Belief Blog, there are six types of atheists: 1) Intellectual atheist/agnostic: This type of nonbeliever seeks information and intellectual stimulation about atheism [and] like debating and arguing, particularly on popular Internet sites. They're also well-versed in books and ar...
Frank Made Me Do This (10 Oct 2013 06:39am)
According to this highly scientific analysis of my personality, I'm only almost certifiable. DisorderRatingParanoid Personality Disorder:LowSchizoid Personality Disorder:ModerateSchizotypal Personality Disorder:ModerateAntisocial Personality Disorder:LowBorderline Personality Disorder:LowHistrionic...
Hollywood is Such an Attention Whore (08 Oct 2013 03:48pm)
Have you ever gone the theater and then had to sit through so many previews for coming soon movies that you actually forgot which one you had come to watch? Please tell me I'm not the only one… Now there is a more insidious and slightly sadistic trend in movie promotion: get in the middle of real p...
Let Me Sell You a Thing or Two... (07 Oct 2013 10:10am)
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Pay Attention to Me! (07 Oct 2013 07:46am)
What's the point of dumping my random thoughts into the abyss of cyberspace if no one is going to acknowledge me? I mean, can I get a little validation up in this bitch?[1] [1] I hope I've used that expression correctly, otherwise it might draw attention to my overall distance from popular cultur...
Once Young and Beautiful (03 Oct 2013 10:40am)
The Three-Faced Who calls her two-faced? Faces she has three; The first inscrutable, for the outer world; The second shrouded in self-contemplation; The third, her face of love, Once for an endless moment turned on me. --Robert Graves (1895-1985)...
Mutlifaceted as a Piece of Paper (03 Oct 2013 08:11am)
Being as multifaceted as a single sheet of paper sounds pretty pathetic, and it is, but that's typically how I see myself: useful, but blank. If I could be represented as an origami creation, this is what I would like to be: a complex, but beautiful distillation of order. But this is a more acc...
Yet Another Woman's Worst Nightmare (30 Sep 2013 08:56am)
Dove is sending mixed messages. One commercial implies that my face may actually be more attractive than I think it is. Talk about a morale booster! Watching the reaction of those women as they saw how attractive a forensic artist would imagine them as he drew their missing person posters gave me re...
The Greatest Story Ever Sold (27 Sep 2013 03:34pm)
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Rapist Stacey Rambold. Winning! (26 Sep 2013 02:47pm)
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Theresa Vail vs Female Stereotypes (19 Sep 2013 04:08pm)
Despite the heroic efforts of 22-year-old Miss Kansas, Theresa Vail, Miss America's stereotypes are still firmly in place. Not only is Theresa the first woman ever to join the National Guard, she took on the male-dominated world of archery with her femininity intact. How many beauty queens have tho...
American Acceptionalism (19 Sep 2013 10:08am)
Congratulations to Nina Davuluri. Her genetic lotto ticket really paid off! She and loser Theresa Vail are both stunning examples of American Exceptionalism. They both encapsulate our country's obscene attraction to all things superficial and its tacit acceptance of implicit misogyny. As for the...
Crickett: My First Chainsaw! (08 May 2013 05:49pm)
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Crickett: My First BBQ! (06 May 2013 08:41am)
Crickett, makers of toys that celebrate American traditions, introduces My First BBQ. It's never too young to start your children on the path of patriotic family values! Don't let the government take away your right to choose how to amuse your kids. Let your gut be your guide. ...
Happy Birthday Son! Don't Shoot Your Sister. (02 May 2013 12:04pm)
It seems that Kentucky is a place where children are given guns before they can read. An action that is common or traditional does not make it acceptable or wise. Listening to the victim's grandmother, the little girl's death shouldn't be seen as an indictment of children having access to guns, but ...
The Leash is in Your Head (24 Apr 2013 04:31pm)
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If God Exists, He's a Sadist (24 Apr 2013 04:12pm)
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Somebody's About to Get C**t-punted to the Curb (24 Apr 2013 05:55am)
Michael Shannon Reads the Insane Delta Gamma Sorority Letter from Michael Shannon ...
Men Are Just Naturally Attractive (24 Apr 2013 05:46am)
Dove Real Beauty Sketches - Men - watch more funny videos ...
Perceived Beauty vs Mirrors and Bad Lighting (18 Apr 2013 03:22pm)
It's difficult being a first world woman. I don't worry about where my next meal will come from, but I am concerned about it's probable effect on my waistline. I don't worry about dying at 60, but I dread what I may look like when I get there. We pick ourselves apart from the inside out, with an ins...
Glocks for Tots (15 Apr 2013 10:43am)
Steve Stockman is a funny guy, but I am still compelled to go all pedant on his ass. A "fetus" with a gun could shoot it's way out. After which it would be taken to a lab where it would be studied, very carefully. However, Stockman's droll theory is inaccurate. A baby with a gun can't abort an abor...
If Only a Womb Could Also Holster a Gun (15 Apr 2013 06:36am)
Found this on the Doonesbury site: "Our campaign bumper sticker: If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted." —Rep. Steve Stockman Of course not. An armed fetus is a murder-suicide waiting to happen....
Spiders Are Hiding Behind Your Food (27 Mar 2013 01:00pm)
While trolling the internet the other day, looking for things to amuse and distract me from my current state of life-shortening stress, I came across this distressing bit of news: hideous, vicious, jumping Indian wolf spiders have invaded Scotland by hiding in a bunch of grapes. The MailOnline artic...
Marriage Isn't For Everyone (27 Mar 2013 11:52am)
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Oh Really O'Reilly? (27 Mar 2013 11:14am)
Bill O'Reilly, mouthpiece of the Great White Male, recently came out, not from the closet silly, but almost pretty much in favor of gay marriage. Apparently he's okay with civil unions and really doesn't care either way. I don't know how old his kids are, so he might end up pulling a Portman someday...
Taylor Swift Swiftly Slammed (07 Mar 2013 12:38pm)
As many people (Frank) will tell you, within the realms of poetry, film, and music, I am a philistine. Even so, I think I can tell the difference between true talent and aggressive marketing. Speaking of Taylor Swift, I find her to be a common, typically insipid, overindulged, and overly praised you...
Stay on Target! (29 Jan 2013 09:11am)
Exactly which demographic is Target attempting to target with this ad? The provocative soundtrack alone is confusing: does the singer want to see what the girl or the piñata "has got"? I could only watch in wonder as the pretty young woman, blindfolded and wielding a wand, brings out her best sex...
Curiosity Kills One's Will To Live (28 Jan 2013 08:00am)
I would earnestly warn you against trying to find out the reason and explanation for everything... To try to find out the reason for everything is very dangerous and leads to nothing but disappointment and dissatisfaction, unsettling your mind and in the end making you miserable. [1] We ourselves h...
Armstrong, The Deceiver (24 Jan 2013 10:02am)
This was the Calvin and Hobbes comic posted today. This is the headline of a "Featured" CNN story that caught my eye this morning: Readers sue, say Armstrong book is a lie. I'd give you the link, but the article is short and stupid so you might as well stay here. Rob Stutzman doesn't buy too man...
The Letter G (21 Jan 2013 12:58pm)
is for God. G is also for other fictional characters like Goldilocks, Godzirra!, and Gollum. God. Say it backwards, and unlike Zed Zeppelin's hidden Satanic agenda, it says dog. I like dogs. Dogs have done more good for people than everyone's gods and goddesses put together. A dog has never killed...
An Amusing Anecdote (18 Jan 2013 08:01pm)
On a Saturday back in 2008, I needed to go to the post office. As I got out of the car, I could see a table set up out front, surrounded by a gaggle of women and kids. I cringed, hoping I could get inside without being noticed, but a little girl of nine or ten was too quick for me. "Excuse me!" she ...
Funny Conversation (18 Jan 2013 07:30pm)
Francis: What's your zip code? Andrea: I don't know. I have to look it up. Francis: Just give me a zip code near you! Andrea: Of course know my own zip code! Francis: [Pause to think] Fuck you....
Forget the Kids. Are Your Guns Safe? (18 Jan 2013 12:42pm)
Hammers. Knives. Cars. Rope. Poison. All of those things, in the hands of a crazy person, can certainly kill people. Twenty small children in a matter of seconds? No. But an automatic weapon in the hands of a crazy person, most definitely. Basically you just need to calm the fuck down. Rush Limbau...
CNN Can't Be Bothered (17 Jan 2013 10:27am)
Why? CNN is taking notes from The Huffington Post: CNN doesn't need to pay its iReporters because it seems that just being noticed is an honor. I guess it is. I'd brag about it, even though it's only a step or two above tabloid journalism anymore....
The Great and Powerful O (17 Jan 2013 09:57am)
From a current CNN [1] article about Our OWN Queen Confessor. "One of Oprah's major products is redemption," Kathryn Lofton, a professor of religious and American studies at Yale University, told The Globe and Mail. "She sold the experience of confession -- of hearing somebody's darkest story, and...
The Cult of Personality (16 Jan 2013 03:15pm)
My mother-in-law despised Martha Stewart, although I never really knew why. Probably something to do with a disagreement over the proper use of little forks. I, on the other hand, don't care for Oprah Winfrey. I can get past the creative collective that is the Martha Stewart brand, because I can alw...
The Letter F (16 Jan 2013 11:43am)
is for Future. The future is any time that hasn't happened yet. Unless time is some weird Möbius band, then maybe the future may be time that has already happened but that we, at this point in time, are unaware of. Sounds nuts to me, but then I'm no economist. Basically the future is a big blank s...
The Letter E (15 Jan 2013 02:43pm)
is for Ennui. French. A beautiful language rempli à la capacité [1] with subtle delights. It possesses a two-syllable word for the feeling of utter weariness and discontent caused by a complete lack of interest: ennui. Not stupid American boredom, but a sophisticated listless oppression that would ...
The Letter D (14 Jan 2013 02:17pm)
is for Douchebag. A word that once meant "a small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections, used chiefly for vaginal lavage and forenemas" has gone on to describe "contemptible or despicable person". As mentioned on Frankly Curious, douchebag was even chosen as Word of the Year. We l...
The Letter C (14 Jan 2013 01:59pm)
is for Celebrity. According to an online dictionary, the word celebrity has been around since the 14th century, originating in Middle Earth probably to describe Gandalf. Or maybe it's Middle English. Who knows. A celebrity is any person who, for whatever reason, is stalked by paparazzi. Being wort...
The Letter B (14 Jan 2013 01:29pm)
is for Bother. Another terse, yet nimble word than can be used as a noun or a verb. As a noun it can mean annoy, irritate, worry: "Such a bother!" Or it can describe effort or work: "Why bother?" While as a verb, bother is something that causes annoyance, irritation, or worry as in, "You bother me...
The Letter A (14 Jan 2013 10:32am)
is for Angst. We can thank the Germans for angst [1]. Who but they could so concisely express the feeling of dread, anxiety, or anguish? A useful world for a distressing world. “My angst is killing me.” [1] The word. Germans don’t have a corner on its production. ...
Math IS Pun! (11 Jan 2013 10:29am)
Copyright Andrea English...
If Wishes Were Changes There'd Be No Goodbyes* (20 Dec 2012 06:53pm)
10 Vaguely Comforting Things About Little American Children Dying Had they lived, we all know the happy bits of life they would have enjoyed, but here are a few things they've been spared in this random, heartless existence: Never learning that Santa is a lie. Never having to experience the circl...
Superman is Her Hero (20 Dec 2012 01:26pm)
My apologies for not crediting the artist of the original art, as I was unable to make out the name. I found the image at this site...
Someone, Please, Take Away Charlotte Allen's Pen (20 Dec 2012 01:08pm)
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Take THIS Despair! (20 Dec 2012 10:27am)
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Don't Look to Camus for Encouragement (20 Dec 2012 10:11am)
quotations page and found this from Albert Camus: "He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hope for the human condition is a fool." I'm not sure, but I think he's saying that I'm a foolish coward. Wow. What a jerk. ...
It's a Terrified New World (19 Dec 2012 04:28pm)
The Onion Reports: 'Right To Live Life In Complete, Stunned Horror,' Added To Constitution NEWS IN BRIEF • News • Dec 15, 2012 WASHINGTON—In the wake of yesterday’s gruesome mass shooting that claimed the lives of 27 people, including 20 schoolchildren, the United States ratified a new constitution...
Fuck Everything (19 Dec 2012 04:19pm)
The Onion Reports: Fuck Everything, Nation Reports Just Fuck It All To Hell WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, an...
Puns Aren't For Everyone (19 Dec 2012 10:20am)
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Religion is evil (18 Dec 2012 05:08pm)
If religion cannot restrain evil, it cannot claim effective power for good. —Morris Raphael Cohen I found this on Brainy Quote...
Our Society is Reprehensible (17 Dec 2012 03:49pm)
Viewed from the summit of reason, all life looks like a malignant disease and the world like a madhouse. —Johann von Goethe...
Abstract Thought (14 Dec 2012 01:33pm)
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Angus T. What's the Beef? (28 Nov 2012 11:09am)
Stop the goddamn presses! Angus T. Jones of Two and a Half Men: My show is "filth" Please people! Cut the kid a break. Remember the stupid shit you believed and shared out loud when you were 19? Youthful exuberance aside, Angus is new to self-righteous Christian zealotry. Hopefully he'll grow out o...
Taylor Swift, Super Genius (28 Nov 2012 10:29am)
Taylor Swift is amazing. She's a tall, slender blonde with a face that can sell beauty products. She is also — if aggressive marketing is to be believed — a gifted singer, a profound songwriter, and an intermediate guitar player. At the tender age of twenty-one, she is more than just fai...
No Sea Monster?! (15 Oct 2012 12:54pm)
Giant Florida Eyeball Identified Gino Covacci, the intrepid beachcomber who found the eye on a Florida beach, thought it had belonged to a squid. But experts who examined the eyeball made their call of swordfish based on the its size (softball), color (blue) and structure (presumably swordfishy), a...
Accidental Eavesdropping (15 Oct 2012 11:57am)
Aging, thankfully, is an effortless transformation; having to work at it would be a pain in the ass. Instead, every morning — after putting on my glasses of course — I eagerly gaze into the mirror. What new magic did the Fairy of Death work upon my face as I slept? Puffy eyes that last a...
Oh So Many Things (15 Oct 2012 09:13am)
How many things are there which I do not want. —Socrates...
Anyone Missing an Eye? (13 Oct 2012 10:42am)
While walking along Pompano Beach this week, Gino Covacci saw something "protruding from the sand." He picked it up, cleaned it off, turned it around and realized he was staring into a giant eyeball. Excited about his find, Covacci flagged down a police officer and eventually got in touch with r...
A Much Needed Respite From Reality (12 Oct 2012 02:43pm)
While searching for a really disgusting French animated short that I saw about 15 years ago, I found instead, probably my favorite Pixar animated short. It's only about 3 minutes long; less if you skip the end credits. FOR THE BIRDS ...
Random Self-help Quote (12 Oct 2012 02:41pm)
If you always do what interest you, at least one person is pleased. —Katherine Hepburn...
LiLo Loves RomRy (12 Oct 2012 12:26pm)
Mitt Romney has LiLo's support! Next step, winning over sentient people. E! News reported the awesome news that "as of now" Lindsay Lohan is putting her hefty celebrity status behind RomRy[1]. On the red carpet for recent promotional event for Mr. Pink's Ginseng Drink, Lindsay came clean (perhaps...
Satan's Weapon of Choice? Facebook. (12 Oct 2012 09:43am)
There is no God, there is no Devil. Angels don't watch over us nor do demons thwart us. The only true evil in this world is the human race. If you don't want to be sad for the rest of the day, you probably shouldn't read this article, Bullied Canadian teen leaves behind chilling YouTube video. Ama...
Vaginas in the News (11 Oct 2012 04:23pm)
From Kardashian breeding and birthing to live colonoscopies on the news, our narcissistic society has become a too crass. TMI has become WTMI[1]. I have been told intimate stories that will be in my mind forever. I'll be senile, lying in my hospital bed thinking, not of my children whose names I may...
I Should Have Chosen to Be a Unicorn (11 Oct 2012 11:49am)
It always surprises me – although I don't know why – whenever I read another example of how judgmental, ignorant, intolerant, hypocritical, and self-righteous some people are. I am aware of those same character flaws in myself but I'm not nearly as horrible as those people. As a person of reasonable...
Jennifer is So Damn Sensitive (08 Oct 2012 02:03pm)
Mister Kenneth W. Krause, ambushed while heading to his car after a solid 3 hours at the gym, gallantly apologized to Jennifer Livingston for indelicately addressing her weight condition; he had no idea she was so damn sensitive. Mister Krause: If Jennifer's offended, then I truly apologize to Jen...
Stop Krausing Yourself! You Look Great. (04 Oct 2012 05:16pm)
Sensitive Scientists Report 5 In 5 Women Don't Know How Beautiful They Are The Onion | October 4, 2012 | Issue 48•40 CAMBRIDGE, MA—A team of considerate, emotionally available researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Monday the results of a study indicating that in a random...
Livingston vs Krause Update (04 Oct 2012 01:00pm)
Ron Livingston 'extremely proud' of sister Jennifer "Office Space" actor Ron Livingston is cheering on his sister, TV news anchor Jennifer Livingston, as she takes on a viewer who emailed her a critique of her weight. ...
Please Get This Woman a Burka (04 Oct 2012 12:39pm)
Warning: The following commentary, and blatant example of internet bullying, may be offensive to some readers (specifically, Kenneth W. Krause). In a recent e-mail to news anchor Jennifer Livingston, Kenneth W. Krause stalwartly addressed Jennifer's outrageous obesity and calling on her to be a bet...
Do You Not Own a Mirror? (03 Oct 2012 02:59pm)
Recently, News8000 anchor, Jennifer Livingston, received criticism of her weight by occasional viewer, Kenneth W. Krause: Hi Jennifer, It's unusual that I see your morning show, but I did so for a very short time today. I was surprised indeed [indeed!] to witness that your physical condition hasn'...
For the Love of God! (02 Oct 2012 03:36pm)
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Spreading God's Love (27 Sep 2012 05:17pm)
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The Commercial Crapper (12 Sep 2012 11:55am)
One need not be a follower of Nostradamus or Pat "Crazy Bastard" Robertson to know that we are heading toward, not a mere 1,000 years of darkness, but the very end of civilization itself. Some will argue that Western society began it's decline in the psychodelic 1960s, while others mark the hedonism...
Bumper sticker you will probably never see. (10 Aug 2012 05:21pm)
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Comcast Update (02 Aug 2012 10:07am)
Talked to a very nice man named Rick who works at the Comcast corporate headquarters. He is part of the "Escalation Team" which means he gets to talk to irritated people (like me) ALL day. I would hate to have his job (which he's had for 9 years!). Better that though than being stuck at one of those...
Think Before You Speak (22 Jul 2012 05:11pm)
"Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?" --Sai Baba...
Comcast Update (14 Jul 2012 09:10am)
Yesterday afternoon I sent my letter of complaint (see below) to Brian Roberts, Comcast's CEO. I was actually a bit surprised to receive the following response that evening: Good afternoon Ms. English, Thanks for your email to Brian Roberts regarding your unpleasant experience with us. We sincerel...
Comcast is My Only Option (13 Jul 2012 01:21pm)
I hope that this is the correct email for Comcast CEO, Brian Roberts—if you are simply a person who happens to have the same name, I apologize for the intrusion. Mr Roberts: If this is the correct address, and if Mr Roberts actually reads it, I want to let him know that, if I had any other o...
Jesus Loves Me (16 Mar 2012 03:40pm)
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How The Game Is Played (16 Mar 2012 02:12pm)
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Happy Thought of the Day (04 Feb 2012 11:17am)
"Old age, calm, expanded, broad with the haughty breadth of the universe, old age flowing free with the delicious nearby freedom of death." Edith Wharton (1862 - 1937) If you've never read her work, happy endings were not her style. House of Mirth, ...
Keep on Truckin' (03 Feb 2012 12:13pm)
I was on a highway today and saw the only giant, fuel-guzzling, fume-spewing truck that makes me smile. I've seen Kane trucks before, but I've been unable to get a photo for fear of driving into the guardrail. After a brief search I found one[1] that's close. The one's I've seen have been slightl...
Attack of the Marketing Mutants! (01 Feb 2012 01:26pm)
Attack of the Puppet People: Terror Comes in Small Packages! Oh really. This is the plot summary on IMDb, in a teeny, tiny, little shell: "Lonely, deranged puppet-master designs a machine that shrinks people." Yes, that's all there is. There's no attacking, by puppet people (who are actually dol...
Newt is a Toad (30 Jan 2012 10:01am)
Breaking news from The Onion's NEWS IN BRIEF, 26 January 2012 issue: Time Traveler From The Year 1998 Warns Nation Not To Elect Newt Gingrich Time Traveler quoted as saying, "Won't anyone listen to me?!?" ...
Society is Imploding (29 Jan 2012 12:22pm)
Cute baby contests have been around for decades. They probably began at fairs where contests of all kinds were a staple entertainment. It was good, clean American fun. But then, like most things that start out wholesome, our society twisted and tweaked the idea until they became sordid and disgusti...
Mark Twain: Author, Thinker, Tinker, Spy (26 Jan 2012 10:52am)
I don't know much about Mark Twain. Here are a few things I do know: what he looked like in his later years; he gave life to Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn; he was very intelligent and witty and liked cats; and he is considered one of the greatest American authors. I probably even read Tom Sawyer a...
I Love The Onion (25 Jan 2012 02:01pm)
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Oh, My Puns (25 Jan 2012 10:43am)
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If I Have to Explain, It Isn't Funny (25 Jan 2012 10:21am)
It's a moot point, as Perry has fallen from the STUPID[1] bus, but this needs to be addressed because it bothers me. No one understands the subtle humor of this carefully constructed visual jest, so I will deconstruct it for my obtuse friends. Normally one says "I can see my house from here" when ...
She So Crazy (23 Jan 2012 10:12am)
I know it's hard to tell because of my well-rounded interests, but I'm so far from being in the Hip Hop Loop, I'm not even sure exactly what qualifies as hip hop. The only reason Nicki Minaj blipped on my radar was because of her appearance on Ellen D's show. And the only reason I saw that was beca...
Journalism for the Masses (22 Jan 2012 10:13am)
I do not care for puppets. Even as a child I found them to be at best moderately amusing, but mostly just weird. Mr Rogers' puppets in particular, so as to seem normal in his neighborhood, were curiously creepy. Even the subtle condescension in his own voice and manner gave the impression that Mr R...
Rick Perry's Epiphany (19 Jan 2012 09:50am)
Rick Perry Experiences Overwhelming Feeling Of Clarity And Contentment In Final Moments Before Death Of Campaign According to TON, Perry said, without irony, "I finally know what it means to be a good candidate. Goodbye."...
Boys Will Be Boys (16 Jan 2012 10:30am)
I don't enjoy following the douche-baggery we call our political system as it tends to upset me. And generally there's no reason for me to comment on anything our government tools say or do, as my one and only reader most often agrees with me anyway. However, this morning, as I was scanning the MSN...
Nothing Compares to Narcissistic Mental Instability (14 Jan 2012 11:55am)
Back in the '80's I saw Sinéad O'Connor's music video "Nothing Compares 2U" on MTV. Her unique and beautiful voice, accompanied by the loveliest eyes I've ever seen, were mesmerizing. Listening to her sing words that she filled with such vulnerability and sweetness, seeing those two sad little tear...
Speaking of Jesus... (06 Jan 2012 05:04pm)
As a one-time missionary (Believe It or Not!), I have legitimate reasons for my mild contempt toward evangelical religions in particular. It's a simple and uninspiring tale of a young woman with low self-esteem trying to fill a void with a belief. (Spoiler alert! It didn't fit.) After years of caref...
Jesus is Getting Pissed (05 Jan 2012 08:18am)
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Trust vs Stupidity (15 Nov 2011 03:17pm)
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The RIGHT Way to Express Yourself (11 Nov 2011 12:03pm)
I've come up with bumper stickers that I believe accurately reflect the values that many in this county hold near and dear. As everyone knows, there are few ways that so effectively and concisely sum up one's raison d'etre than ribbon magnets and bumper stickers. I hope these help... Most conserva...
Adam Sandler Should Stop Now (11 Nov 2011 08:54am)
I'll bet Rolling Stone's movie reviewer, Peter Travers, really hates his job sometimes. Anyone who had seen the preview for Adam Sandler's latest attempt would have known how terrible it was likely to be. (Actually, if you've seen the majority of his movies you would know the very high probability o...
The Right Wing's Hyperbole (07 Nov 2011 03:14pm)
It's a play off of "hyperbaric" chamber. Get it? It's pretty damn funny if you ask me. Even if I did design the poster myself. ...
On the Subject of Torture (07 Nov 2011 11:58am)
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Little Bits (11 Sep 2011 12:09pm)
This afternoon I was flipping through the plethora of quotations I have collected over the years--searching for inspiration, killing time, same difference. I found one file name that piqued my curiosity: Escher Silliness. I've never thought of Escher as having a sense of humor per se. As it turns ou...
Stephen Colbert: Dream Stalker (06 Sep 2011 10:48am)
My dreams are usually very boring, even to me. Some are so mundane, I can't remember if I had a conversation with my husband or just dreamt it. That's not to say that I am incapable of having dreams that would raise Freud's eyebrows; there are some dark, twisted, one might even say fucked up, bits o...
My Subconscious is Abusive (04 Sep 2011 09:56am)
Why am I at odds with my subconscious? First it[1] ruffled the feathers of my comfortably sleeping Chicken of Depression by causing (yet another) dream in which my husband and daughter are angry with me and have formed a coalition to end my benevolent dictatorship. Apparently I'm becoming desensitiz...
Once in a While Dilbert Amuses Me (03 Sep 2011 08:35am)
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The Existence Filled Life (02 Sep 2011 10:15am)
You're stronger than you seem; Braver than you believe; And smarter than you think you are. When shall we live if not now? ~ M.F.K. Fisher...
8 Great Ways to Beat Stress (17 Aug 2011 10:21am)
Beat something or someone until you no longer feel stressed. All that pent up tension, anger, and resentment will waft away on a wave of endorphins. This exercise may have the added benefit of sending you to prison for a little Me-time. I've heard that the facilities are often quite nice, with guest...
Apple and Firefox are Conspiratorial Cyberbullies (08 Aug 2011 01:12pm)
I am currently in an Apple-induced catch-22. I can't update Firefox because my OS is too old. (Apparently OS X 10.4.11 just can't handle the awesome power that is Firefox 4.) But I can't upgrade from 10.4.11 to 10.whatever-the-fuck-it-is-now without first upgrading to 10.5, which I haven't been able...
Poor Ned... (05 Aug 2011 09:07am)
Image copyright of Gary Larson, Genius. Cartoon used without permission and is the sole property of Gary Larson. There is no way I will every make any money from posting this, so please don't sue me....
Books to Frighten and Delight (03 Aug 2011 09:59am)
The other night, I was lying in bed unable to sleep because my odd little mind was running amok. "Will you be able to pay your son's tuition? Jeez, I hope so. He'd never forgive you if he had to quit and go to community college. Say goodbye to grandchildren. Speaking of grandkids, it's too bad you a...
One for the That's Just Wrong files... (29 Jul 2011 11:48am)
Breast Milk Baby -- a doll for children with breast-feeding-zealot mothers or, possibly, adults with fetishes that really shouldn't be indulged. This isn't the first baby doll to cause offense. Back in the 1970s the Archie Bunker's Grandson Joey doll protruded his way outside of the box, being a cu...
I Wonder... (15 Jul 2011 08:55am)
Who coined the phrase, "coined the phrase"? Seriously. I'd like to know....
Exactly... (20 Jun 2011 03:16pm)
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Release the Magic! (02 Mar 2011 09:17am)
One can't deny that we live in an era of wonder, and yet, with their new motion-activated scent dispenser, Glade has taken the temporary freshening of air to inspirational heights. Just walk past the Sense & Spray and you'll be enveloped in an invisible cloud of aromatic bliss. It's like having a co...
Spreading Celebrity News (19 Jan 2011 10:37am)
It's really pretty simple. The process is based on the ancient art of information dissemination, commonly known as gossip. Here's how it works. In the endless quest to satisfy the voracious appetites of vicarious attention-whores (A.K.A. National Enquirer subscribers, etc.), Site A posts a fascinati...
Speaking of CNN... (18 Jan 2011 09:49am)
Some of the most entertaining bits posted on CNN.com are the headlines. Here are a few gems that I've noted: 03/26/10 Man drunk, opossum dead, CPR futile; Man arrested after trying to revive roadkill (PETA would be proud.) 9/07 Human remains found at bridge collapse (No kidding. Dead bodies can r...
Curious News (17 Jan 2011 12:45pm)
CNN is often almost as amusing as The Onion, and nearly as informative. Take Alan Duke's recent article about Peter Fonda's grisly discovery. Los Angeles (CNN) -- "Easy Rider" actor Peter Fonda found a body while driving down Sunset Boulevard in the Pacific Palisades community of west Los Angeles o...
Terrible Pun (16 Jan 2011 02:05pm)
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Succulent Succulents (12 Jan 2011 10:05am)
Years ago, when I lived in Coronado, I used to take long walks around the neighborhoods and steal bits of plants from front yards I would pass. I didn't dig up flowering shrubs in the middle of the night, if that's what you're thinking. I didn't even pick flowers to put in a vase when I got home bec...
Photo Op (29 Jul 2010 04:07pm)
My work within the yearbook industry has required a lot of photo-editing. I can't tell you how many obscene gestures kids will try to sneak into class photos that then need to be "corrected" by adding or removing fingers and other appendages. Then there are those unfortunate shots that require the a...

Total Articles: 172