Opinion Articles
God Hates You (25 Oct 2013 10:38am)
God wants you to know that He seriously hates your guts. His self-proclaimed "evil angels" at WBC just thought you should know. ...
I Think Your Bible is Broken (25 Oct 2013 07:52am)
Reading comprehension is not encouraged at Westboro Baptist Church... Proverbs 6:16–19 There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him [because the Bible tells me so]: haughty eyes [arrogance], a lying tongue [saying gays are evil, etc.], hands that shed innocent ...
America's Most Hated Family Update (24 Oct 2013 07:29pm)
BBC's Louis Theroux had the stomach, once more, to talk with batshit crazy Shirley Phelps, her unfortunate children, and the seriously fucked up Westboro Baptist Church in his documentary, America's Most Hated Family in Crisis. If only Shirley Phelps could keep her crazy to herself rather than pois...
Shirley Phelps and Her War on Sanity (24 Oct 2013 06:01pm)
As a sentient citizen of the U.S., I am well aware of Westboro Baptist Church and the appalling, vicious hatred of its "ministry." In this country that they scream God hates because of gay people, they are allowed, by law, to publicly propagate their twisted version of Christianity. That's the pric...
Guns Are Not Sexy! Guns Are Sexy! (23 Oct 2013 02:16pm)
Doublethink again. As Frank pointed out in his post Police Oversight and Dead Children, "Our society is all about guns; men are supposed to like them; boys are supposed to play with fake ones. I wish it weren't so. But it is wrong for a society to tell a boy in a million ways that guns are cool and ...
A Number of Very Bad Choices (23 Oct 2013 01:35pm)
In yet another accidental shooting here in the U.S., a child is dead simply because someone who had no business having a gun in the first place, left it lying within easy reach of a child. So today, a 5-year-old boy is dead in a tragedy that was, as a chief deputy astutely observed, "avoidable." Of ...
Redneck Patriotism (23 Oct 2013 12:25pm)
This image and accompanying text are from a multi-forwarded email that I received this morning. This Guy Had The Guts To Put This On The Internet. There are people in my life whom I love in spite of our vast political and religious differences. (I feel a little like Diana Nyad dealing with Oprah ...
Fighting Fire with Fire (22 Oct 2013 05:46pm)
According to a CNN, a survey of the nation's teachers indicates that "nearly three-fourths of the nation's teachers say they personally would not bring a firearm to their school if allowed, but most educators believe armed guards would improve campus safety." If we truly want to keep our children...
From the No Shit Sherlock Files (22 Oct 2013 10:56am)
Marijuanna is safer than alcohol. It's true. There are actual, scientific reasons why you can get a doctor's prescription for marijuana but not bourbon. That so many people are more deeply disturbed by someone smoking marijuana than they are by children accidentally shooting themselves is truly b...
Gun News (22 Oct 2013 07:57am)
People throughout this country enjoy their constitutional right to bear arms, armed with an arsenal of reasons why they aren't to be blamed when someone gets shot and killed. I would not deny anyone their right to have a gun if that's what makes them feel safe or manly or free or whatever the hell g...
Hollywood is Such an Attention Whore (08 Oct 2013 03:48pm)
Have you ever gone the theater and then had to sit through so many previews for coming soon movies that you actually forgot which one you had come to watch? Please tell me I'm not the only one… Now there is a more insidious and slightly sadistic trend in movie promotion: get in the middle of real p...
Mutlifaceted as a Piece of Paper (03 Oct 2013 08:11am)
Being as multifaceted as a single sheet of paper sounds pretty pathetic, and it is, but that's typically how I see myself: useful, but blank. If I could be represented as an origami creation, this is what I would like to be: a complex, but beautiful distillation of order. But this is a more acc...
Theresa Vail vs Female Stereotypes (19 Sep 2013 04:08pm)
Despite the heroic efforts of 22-year-old Miss Kansas, Theresa Vail, Miss America's stereotypes are still firmly in place. Not only is Theresa the first woman ever to join the National Guard, she took on the male-dominated world of archery with her femininity intact. How many beauty queens have tho...
American Acceptionalism (19 Sep 2013 10:08am)
Congratulations to Nina Davuluri. Her genetic lotto ticket really paid off! She and loser Theresa Vail are both stunning examples of American Exceptionalism. They both encapsulate our country's obscene attraction to all things superficial and its tacit acceptance of implicit misogyny. As for the...
Happy Birthday Son! Don't Shoot Your Sister. (02 May 2013 12:04pm)
It seems that Kentucky is a place where children are given guns before they can read. An action that is common or traditional does not make it acceptable or wise. Listening to the victim's grandmother, the little girl's death shouldn't be seen as an indictment of children having access to guns, but ...
Perceived Beauty vs Mirrors and Bad Lighting (18 Apr 2013 03:22pm)
It's difficult being a first world woman. I don't worry about where my next meal will come from, but I am concerned about it's probable effect on my waistline. I don't worry about dying at 60, but I dread what I may look like when I get there. We pick ourselves apart from the inside out, with an ins...
Glocks for Tots (15 Apr 2013 10:43am)
Steve Stockman is a funny guy, but I am still compelled to go all pedant on his ass. A "fetus" with a gun could shoot it's way out. After which it would be taken to a lab where it would be studied, very carefully. However, Stockman's droll theory is inaccurate. A baby with a gun can't abort an abor...
If Only a Womb Could Also Holster a Gun (15 Apr 2013 06:36am)
Found this on the Doonesbury site: "Our campaign bumper sticker: If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted." —Rep. Steve Stockman Of course not. An armed fetus is a murder-suicide waiting to happen....
Oh Really O'Reilly? (27 Mar 2013 11:14am)
Bill O'Reilly, mouthpiece of the Great White Male, recently came out, not from the closet silly, but almost pretty much in favor of gay marriage. Apparently he's okay with civil unions and really doesn't care either way. I don't know how old his kids are, so he might end up pulling a Portman someday...
Taylor Swift Swiftly Slammed (07 Mar 2013 12:38pm)
As many people (Frank) will tell you, within the realms of poetry, film, and music, I am a philistine. Even so, I think I can tell the difference between true talent and aggressive marketing. Speaking of Taylor Swift, I find her to be a common, typically insipid, overindulged, and overly praised you...
Stay on Target! (29 Jan 2013 09:11am)
Exactly which demographic is Target attempting to target with this ad? The provocative soundtrack alone is confusing: does the singer want to see what the girl or the piñata "has got"? I could only watch in wonder as the pretty young woman, blindfolded and wielding a wand, brings out her best sex...
Armstrong, The Deceiver (24 Jan 2013 10:02am)
This was the Calvin and Hobbes comic posted today. This is the headline of a "Featured" CNN story that caught my eye this morning: Readers sue, say Armstrong book is a lie. I'd give you the link, but the article is short and stupid so you might as well stay here. Rob Stutzman doesn't buy too man...
Forget the Kids. Are Your Guns Safe? (18 Jan 2013 12:42pm)
Hammers. Knives. Cars. Rope. Poison. All of those things, in the hands of a crazy person, can certainly kill people. Twenty small children in a matter of seconds? No. But an automatic weapon in the hands of a crazy person, most definitely. Basically you just need to calm the fuck down. Rush Limbau...
CNN Can't Be Bothered (17 Jan 2013 10:27am)
Why? CNN is taking notes from The Huffington Post: CNN doesn't need to pay its iReporters because it seems that just being noticed is an honor. I guess it is. I'd brag about it, even though it's only a step or two above tabloid journalism anymore....
The Great and Powerful O (17 Jan 2013 09:57am)
From a current CNN [1] article about Our OWN Queen Confessor. "One of Oprah's major products is redemption," Kathryn Lofton, a professor of religious and American studies at Yale University, told The Globe and Mail. "She sold the experience of confession -- of hearing somebody's darkest story, and...
The Cult of Personality (16 Jan 2013 03:15pm)
My mother-in-law despised Martha Stewart, although I never really knew why. Probably something to do with a disagreement over the proper use of little forks. I, on the other hand, don't care for Oprah Winfrey. I can get past the creative collective that is the Martha Stewart brand, because I can alw...
If Wishes Were Changes There'd Be No Goodbyes* (20 Dec 2012 06:53pm)
10 Vaguely Comforting Things About Little American Children Dying Had they lived, we all know the happy bits of life they would have enjoyed, but here are a few things they've been spared in this random, heartless existence: Never learning that Santa is a lie. Never having to experience the circl...
Angus T. What's the Beef? (28 Nov 2012 11:09am)
Stop the goddamn presses! Angus T. Jones of Two and a Half Men: My show is "filth" Please people! Cut the kid a break. Remember the stupid shit you believed and shared out loud when you were 19? Youthful exuberance aside, Angus is new to self-righteous Christian zealotry. Hopefully he'll grow out o...
Taylor Swift, Super Genius (28 Nov 2012 10:29am)
Taylor Swift is amazing. She's a tall, slender blonde with a face that can sell beauty products. She is also — if aggressive marketing is to be believed — a gifted singer, a profound songwriter, and an intermediate guitar player. At the tender age of twenty-one, she is more than just fai...
LiLo Loves RomRy (12 Oct 2012 12:26pm)
Mitt Romney has LiLo's support! Next step, winning over sentient people. E! News reported the awesome news that "as of now" Lindsay Lohan is putting her hefty celebrity status behind RomRy[1]. On the red carpet for recent promotional event for Mr. Pink's Ginseng Drink, Lindsay came clean (perhaps...
Satan's Weapon of Choice? Facebook. (12 Oct 2012 09:43am)
There is no God, there is no Devil. Angels don't watch over us nor do demons thwart us. The only true evil in this world is the human race. If you don't want to be sad for the rest of the day, you probably shouldn't read this article, Bullied Canadian teen leaves behind chilling YouTube video. Ama...
I Should Have Chosen to Be a Unicorn (11 Oct 2012 11:49am)
It always surprises me – although I don't know why – whenever I read another example of how judgmental, ignorant, intolerant, hypocritical, and self-righteous some people are. I am aware of those same character flaws in myself but I'm not nearly as horrible as those people. As a person of reasonable...
Jennifer is So Damn Sensitive (08 Oct 2012 02:03pm)
Mister Kenneth W. Krause, ambushed while heading to his car after a solid 3 hours at the gym, gallantly apologized to Jennifer Livingston for indelicately addressing her weight condition; he had no idea she was so damn sensitive. Mister Krause: If Jennifer's offended, then I truly apologize to Jen...
Stop Krausing Yourself! You Look Great. (04 Oct 2012 05:16pm)
Sensitive Scientists Report 5 In 5 Women Don't Know How Beautiful They Are The Onion | October 4, 2012 | Issue 48•40 CAMBRIDGE, MA—A team of considerate, emotionally available researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Monday the results of a study indicating that in a random...
Livingston vs Krause Update (04 Oct 2012 01:00pm)
Ron Livingston 'extremely proud' of sister Jennifer "Office Space" actor Ron Livingston is cheering on his sister, TV news anchor Jennifer Livingston, as she takes on a viewer who emailed her a critique of her weight. ...
Please Get This Woman a Burka (04 Oct 2012 12:39pm)
Warning: The following commentary, and blatant example of internet bullying, may be offensive to some readers (specifically, Kenneth W. Krause). In a recent e-mail to news anchor Jennifer Livingston, Kenneth W. Krause stalwartly addressed Jennifer's outrageous obesity and calling on her to be a bet...
Do You Not Own a Mirror? (03 Oct 2012 02:59pm)
Recently, News8000 anchor, Jennifer Livingston, received criticism of her weight by occasional viewer, Kenneth W. Krause: Hi Jennifer, It's unusual that I see your morning show, but I did so for a very short time today. I was surprised indeed [indeed!] to witness that your physical condition hasn'...
Comcast Update (02 Aug 2012 10:07am)
Talked to a very nice man named Rick who works at the Comcast corporate headquarters. He is part of the "Escalation Team" which means he gets to talk to irritated people (like me) ALL day. I would hate to have his job (which he's had for 9 years!). Better that though than being stuck at one of those...
Comcast Update (14 Jul 2012 09:10am)
Yesterday afternoon I sent my letter of complaint (see below) to Brian Roberts, Comcast's CEO. I was actually a bit surprised to receive the following response that evening: Good afternoon Ms. English, Thanks for your email to Brian Roberts regarding your unpleasant experience with us. We sincerel...
Comcast is My Only Option (13 Jul 2012 01:21pm)
I hope that this is the correct email for Comcast CEO, Brian Roberts—if you are simply a person who happens to have the same name, I apologize for the intrusion. Mr Roberts: If this is the correct address, and if Mr Roberts actually reads it, I want to let him know that, if I had any other o...
Keep on Truckin' (03 Feb 2012 12:13pm)
I was on a highway today and saw the only giant, fuel-guzzling, fume-spewing truck that makes me smile. I've seen Kane trucks before, but I've been unable to get a photo for fear of driving into the guardrail. After a brief search I found one[1] that's close. The one's I've seen have been slightl...
Society is Imploding (29 Jan 2012 12:22pm)
Cute baby contests have been around for decades. They probably began at fairs where contests of all kinds were a staple entertainment. It was good, clean American fun. But then, like most things that start out wholesome, our society twisted and tweaked the idea until they became sordid and disgusti...
Boys Will Be Boys (16 Jan 2012 10:30am)
I don't enjoy following the douche-baggery we call our political system as it tends to upset me. And generally there's no reason for me to comment on anything our government tools say or do, as my one and only reader most often agrees with me anyway. However, this morning, as I was scanning the MSN...
Apple and Firefox are Conspiratorial Cyberbullies (08 Aug 2011 01:12pm)
I am currently in an Apple-induced catch-22. I can't update Firefox because my OS is too old. (Apparently OS X 10.4.11 just can't handle the awesome power that is Firefox 4.) But I can't upgrade from 10.4.11 to 10.whatever-the-fuck-it-is-now without first upgrading to 10.5, which I haven't been able...
Books to Frighten and Delight (03 Aug 2011 09:59am)
The other night, I was lying in bed unable to sleep because my odd little mind was running amok. "Will you be able to pay your son's tuition? Jeez, I hope so. He'd never forgive you if he had to quit and go to community college. Say goodbye to grandchildren. Speaking of grandkids, it's too bad you a...
One for the That's Just Wrong files... (29 Jul 2011 11:48am)
Breast Milk Baby -- a doll for children with breast-feeding-zealot mothers or, possibly, adults with fetishes that really shouldn't be indulged. This isn't the first baby doll to cause offense. Back in the 1970s the Archie Bunker's Grandson Joey doll protruded his way outside of the box, being a cu...

Total Articles: 46